Please help me with my BPD son

I have been referring to the SANE forum for some time now for information, guidance and solace, desperately seeking something to assist me with my adult son who is 28 years old and lives with me. Apologies that this post is long but i don't know how else to explain things.

It’s been a very difficult few years to say the least.

My son recently was admitted to the local mental health unit as an involuntary patient. That was as a result of me calling the police, as I was concerned he was going to bring harm to himself, myself or someone else. It started off with paranoia and then an outburst of obscenities at me, made threats and started breaking and throwing things around. In his rage he did say, “call the police”.

He is back home, staying only one night at the mental health unit. The mental teams impression was that he has Cluster B Personality structure with strong Borderline personality traits (of which I already suspected). As he smokes cannabis, regularly, they suggested it might account for his paranoia, however not evident. He has been recommended to seek ongoing counselling sessions with a psychologist, recommending 12-18 months to see change and no antipsychotic drugs were prescribed.

He has been struggling with mental illness or this disorder, for some years now and has never been able to see through any counselling or recommendation for treatment let alone a diagnosis on his state of mind. In one moment he acknowledges he has a problem in the next he denies it. In his words “it is everybody else that has the problem”.

He has always had trouble containing is anger. He acts impulsively and those impulses are not always safe. He has been charged with assault, has difficulty maintaining relationships, as he trusts no one so currently he has no friends.

He is highly paranoid and non trusting of people. He has no qualms in being confrontational with people accusing them of matters untrue. Although a University graduate, he has never pursued his studies, has had a countless number of odd jobs of which he has never been able to maintain because he is terminated or dislikes the people. He is always short of money even when he is working.

His relationship with me is a volatile one. He is often disrespectful, patronising and insulting. As a result I am always choosing my words carefully, choosing the right moment to converse with him, avoiding having friends or family over at times depending on his mood. Stepping on eggshells to say the least. I have also read that book by the way.

He has never had a good relationship with his dad (I have been divorced for 24 years now), as his father never got actively involved in his life. His relationship with his two younger siblings is also a strained one.

I am at breaking point now. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have no stamina. I feel lifeless, I feel scared. I have a wonderful partner of 16 years and some wonderful friends. Although supportive (if I let them in) I feel like isolating myself from everyone. They too have been on the receiving end of my son’s fabricated accusations and intimidations and I fear that I will lose those close to me, as his behaviour can be intolerable for someone who doesn’t really understand his disorder/illness.

There are however moments of calmness with my son, he shows compassion and love, but these moments are transitory. When he is calm he questions my every move and every action. It feels like I am being interrogated which causes me to go into a panic, as I fear an outburst is in the works. Perhaps I am overreacting but this is how I find myself. He can be regretful about his behaviour and can recognise he has a problem but in time those thoughts are forgotten and he becomes his paranoid, volatile self.

Sadly I am not convinced my son will see through any treatment, I live in hope that he will but I am doubtful. Instead I live in fear of him, fear of what he will do to himself, to me or to someone else. I fear his aggression, I fear the way he often talks to me. Although more than often scared of him and sometimes resenting him, he is my son and I do love him and it breaks my heart to see him as he is. I do however feel like I falling and when I do hit that ground I may never get up.

I am embarrassed to say that I often wish he wasn’t living with me that he would just move out. Everyday now that thought is there and I feel guilty as his mother that I feel that way. It’s not because I don’t love him but because I am not coping. Him moving out is not an option however given he has never held down a job and never has any money. Where will he go and how will he live. Homeless? Unfortunately I cannot afford to house him anywhere.

I have tried to set boundaries, only to be challenged with aggression and threats. He doesn’t care about boundaries. I have attended counselling to help manage the situation, previously and again now, however I don’t even think that really helps me anymore.

I am reaching out to the world now in the hope that someone may propose something that maybe I have missed. I feel guilty, I feel anxious and I feel sick. I feel like I am failing my son and those close to me. I am desperate, I am in despair and I am lost. I am done.