Feeling destructive

I'm writing down what i want to do with my destructiveness -

it's bad; a part of me so wants to do it and a part of me is a scared little child

damn these thoughts; damn it all. damn people who don't understand.

feeling like s/h to get rid of this anger. damn i think i need a walk, a very very long walk on my own to clear my head. can't even do that. hubby wouldn't let me go alone. so i am stuck.

well i may jsut be destructive then

I really don't know what my psych will say tomorrow when I tell him. Maybe I should email my regular therapist and see what he says.

This destructiveness is coming from somewhere and i can't work out where.

Feeling anxious

@BlueBay - I sure know how that pent up aggression, anger, pain feels. I sometimes feel like a pressure cooker. You know the old type of cooker Nanna's used to use...



The lid is on tight because there is TOO much building pressure inside. The pressure cooker is a sealed box basically and heat applied causes energy to rise.

I look at it this way - our thoughts are the heat and the pressure build up is our emotions. Eventually we HAVE to let off steam or we will explode.

I tend to do this fairly organically - when I am irritable fit to burst - I swear and slam cupboard doors and frighten people around me, so i try not to most of the time. Sometimes it just 'happens'. Like on Friday at my Mum's new nursing home (oh dear).

I am wondering if frustration with your Psych is adding even more pressure?

What might be useful is to try to find the points inside you that cause this rage and anger, all terribly and absolutely VALID given your life's experience, though the 'helping' professions do tend to take a dim view of explosive anger and label us difficult and there is probably a pathological "name" they would give us.

Just an idea but you could try a visualisation (visualisation is SUCH a powerful tool).

One visualisation I used to do a lot to cope is to put everyone who ever hurt me, hated me, caused me harm in some way, put them in a leaky boat and send them out to sea with out something to bail out the water with pushing them further and further out till I could barely see them, then watch the boat sink and they all go down with it.
(That is kind of non-violent violence).

The other visualisation I sued to do is imagine I was 20 foot tall and I pick up anyone who ever hurt me, or didn't understand me and hurl them out to sea. I do not imagine them suffering or anything, the whole point of the exercise is to have them GONE from inside my head,

This pressure, compounded by frustration can be directed and the energy used (to cook up something good!). If we are thwarted all our lives, if we feel that no one really understands us or that nothing we say or do REALLY conveys the deep deep wounds inside, the deep deep anger we hold - then it is up to us to FIND a way to tell that story, we can be ANGRY (but not direct that anger at the person we are talking to.)

It is very hard, particularly for women to be allowed to BE angry. We have a lot to be ANGRY about - and expressing that anger with clarity is sometimes enough.

I am really angry that I was abused by xx person/people.
I am REALLY angry that xx person did not protect me.
I am super angry that I live with mental illness when my abuser seems to have an okay life.
I am angry at the way the world treats girls and women.
I am angry that my life was hijacked by thoughtless (or intentioned) harm.

Sometimes I imagined myself as an angry elephant rampaging and trumpeting and keeping the terrible people away from my 'baby' (the kid inside).

I have recently sent my inner-kid away to an island looked after by Xena and a handful of Amazon warriors, (and some fun people to play with) she is SAFE as I deal daily with the person who abused me. Maybe a visualization to help keep HER safe while you work out the anger and figure out how to let off all that life-long pressure - in a way that does not HURT yourself or anyone else.

Just admitting the anger, the reasons for it can be a huge pressure valve release.

I wish you well with it - internal anger un-managed leads to more hurt and harm, be a friend to yourself through this. Maybe tell your psyche that you have a sh*t load of anger you want to deal with and ask what he recommends to do so. If he says "Anger is unacceptable" you are with the wrong person.

Love you. Stay with us.

Hi @MoonGal @Kurra@Snuchu@Crazy_Bug_Lady@Faith-and-Hope @Mazarita@Silenus @Decadian

I'm sorry if I have forgotten someone

Today I had a session with my psych. I handed him the paper where I wrote about my destructive thoughts. He questioned me and said who am I angry with. I told him i am frustrated angry with a few people and he said 'am i one of the few'; to which i replied yeah sometimes. I started to cry and told him i hate my mum so much and also my dad for not even attempting to see me. He said to me "you have been saying for a while that you want to go back to hospital" and i said yeah i do. he asked why do you want to go to hospital, i said for a break from everything. told him work is stressful, home is chaotic, one son has split from his girlfriend and other son 20yr old is going overseas in 2 weeks time for 3 weeks. i told him i am so stressed and anxious about him going overseas, i am so scared that something will happen.

He then explained that he knows my home life is stressed, and my parents are not helping but he doesn't me to go into hospital for those reasons - thinking that if i go in my parents will come and visit; because if i go in thinking this i will be very disappointed and he doesn't want me to do that.

we then talked about medication and he is going to change my meds and will probably put me in hospital. he asked me what i thought and i said okay but can we wait until my youngest son comes back from holidays. otherwise i will be an anxious wreck.

on the way out he made me laugh (after all the crying) - he said "pls don't wreck my shelf"

i just laughed

i don't know how to get through the next month while son is away. my psych says oh he will be okay; yeah easy for him to say that!!!! his kids are really little, wait until his kids grow up.

what if something happens to him, what if someone spikes his drink or even worse. gosh my anxiety is getting high again ....

Hi @Kurra

My youngest is a sensible guy. He is very switched on and knows right from wrong. I have spoken to him and I will get him to organise viber so we can chat.

I also know that he is going for only 3 1/2 weeks but because it's so far away I will worry. I guess we as parents never stop worrying.

It is hard to 'let go' but it is time; all 3 of my children are at the age where they can 'fly the coup' anytime now. That's life.

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady

Yes I am glad I did too, i just hope he now realises how my 'mind' thinks sometimes. I guess it's this damn BPD behaviour and thoughts that get me in trouble at times; or gets me to the point where i just blurt it all out and tell him honestly what my thoughts are.

It is hard to be honest and open with your support people but I feel that by being honest it gives them an open view of how our mind thinks or how we are actually feeling. I have hid a lot of my emotions but i sort of think now - damn he needs to know, so i will tell him, And if i can't, i write it down and then show him the piece of paper. It works every time for me.

Maybe if you can write points down of what you want to say would help.

take care

Hi @sadgirl
First of all, can you write a poem about this ? It might help to drain away some of the anxiety you are feeling into words on the page ......
Next, what I do when I am worried about things that can go wrong around my kids is something called "re-scripting" ........
If you can imagine for a moment that you are an actress, and someone has handed you a script to read from, and the background information they have given you with the script is that you are playing the role of a mother whose son is going overseas for a few weeks, and you are really worried about everything that could go wrong for him during his trip away .......
The script you are pretending to read from would sound something like all the fears and worries you have just expressed, and you would have a worried face P,a don be using a worried sounding voice, etc.
Now, try on another version of the role of the mother with her son going overseas. This mother is a little bit worried, and says so, listing a few things that might be of concern, but not the worst possible ones ....... but this mother also does some wishful thinking about what sort of good things her son is likely to experience as well - if he is going somewhere warm and sunny, with interesting things to see and do, taking lots of photos to send back to her along the way ....... meeting interesting people, some from Australia, who have had lots of travel experiences of their own, who laugh about little mishaps they encountered along the way ......
Imagine playing the role of the mother, waiting at the airport arrival gates for her son to come home, happy and excited, and in that "can't wait to tell you all about it" happy place from all his travels.
@sadgirl - you can choose to spend the time focussed on all the things to worry about, or you can choose to make up and read from another sort of "script" about your son's trip away. That doesn't mean it will be easy to do, and you might have to work hard at it, but every time the worry script is coming up in front of you, try to push it to one side, and reach for the anticipate-a-good-trip-for-my-son script.
See how you go with that ....... I will be sending my happiest vibes your way ....... ❤️💗💜