Sleeping too much

I know you have been quiet this afternoon @Former-Member ..... and I am not at all surprised after the emotional weekend you've just had ..... I hope you're okay ..... 💜🌷💕

Here is the birthday cake I would make for you if we could pull up a chair for afternoon tea.

☕️🎂🎈 ........ 🌻🌻🌻

Really appreciate your posts to me this last week, especially remembering my mum .... I might take a flower to the river for her here sometimes.

Saw tonnes of sunflowers in someone's garden yesterday ..... ❣

That's lovely @Faith-and-Hop made me tear up (good tears). So colourful, your owls too Shaz, and Flowers Teej, and all the emoji pics from everyone and kind words. Makes me feel loved. THANK YOU so much my treasured forum friends 💙💜

Thanks to everyone for happy Birthday Wishes, @Shaz51, Bella2, Fadin, TAB, Teej, F&H, everyone... Really appreciate it more than words can say. 👍👏🔔🎉🎵🎶🐣🍻🌈🌃... ...
Thank You guys xox

I have been falling asleep on and off since i got home from Brisbane a day ago, weird, but dog is all over me, and good company. The only two phone calls I got were at times I refuse to take calls (mum at 5am and VC at 11pm), nothing in between - not even a tx. Somewhat over it - the silent lack of support. I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to shut down. This might sound weird I know but I turn my phone off because my family get 'over the top' with things like Cyclone Debbie (relatives up there). The cyclone, birthday alone again, my unhappy son, the Walk to Remember, travelling. Turning my phone off is, i think, a kind of protective strategy that puts ME 'in control' of all the gestures of love I won't receive. Haha! Those people who still matter to me like my sister and mother (who didn't bother my last 2 birthdays - I was mortified like a schoolgirl). I hate that I'm so sensitive, so emotionally vulnerable and that things all get a little haywire. Anyway, with the phone - anyone who counts (like my son) will leave a message and I'll get back to them later. I just cant risk the other hurtful lot who might ring, as well as thw deafening silence of others. Turning it off, Its the only way I know how to cope by myself here. Yep, this is my warped way of feeling in control in the face of cuel, hurtful shallow people who don't know the 'joy of giving' or ignore me when it matters most (yes i know I'm weird shutting everything out.

Glad I turned the phone off because I just found a missed calls from VC friend (who cancelled our planned birthday lunch a couple of days back), this was the message she sent at 11pm:

"Hi, Sorry it's so late. Tried to ring but it said you were not available. How was weekend? Hope it all went well. Just wondering if you would like to meet up with hubby and I for a late lunch at the Coffee Club tomorrow [42km away]. We have 2 appointments and probably won't be finished until 2 pm. I realise it's late notice but won't have another time free for a week now. If your still up it would be better if we could talk. Just need to know before 8.30am"

Hmm! Gosh, Honestly, is it me or her? @Owlunar help! What do you guys think? How rude! I feel stuffed around but don't know what to say and just want to hide my car and pretend I'm not home in case she does a shallow 'flyby' (more crumbs). I'm not coping well. I know I should 'appreciate the crumbs under the table but its starting to feel like an insult to my soul that i just can't pretend I appreciate anymore (if that makes sense). See, this is why i shut down and turn my ph OFF. I know I'm suppose to be "mental" and have impaired judgement, perceptions and mental processes (according to some), but its increasingly difficult for me to hide how I feel. I don't want half hearted efforts that I'm expected to be visually joyous about. It messes with my head. I dont want the crumbs under the table anymore, i'd rather be alone with my self compassion without their stuff. What would you you guys do? As for text messages for my birthday - a pathetic effort there!, poohoo! Physical time together, a phone call or card in the mail are all far superior and enough for me. Sorry, I probably sound unreasonable - can't help how I feel here onnmy own. ALONE pretty much sums it up when plans are not made. Actually, just thought to tx VC and tell her I've 'made other plans since she did cancel" Actually don't want to see her half backed face today (hmm, just realised I'm angry), maybe I can drive to a mt top somewhere, watch the sunrise and 🍃 no, just kidding. Maybe stay out all day spend my last dollar doing something nice, all day, for me, but what? Dont want to b myself, dont really have the money anyhow, plan to do what i did the year my girl died, hide the car, lock down the house, and wade it out, sleep all day or watch movies with my headphonws. Home is safer when phasing like this. Cant even listen to the radio for long with all the cyclone hype - I use to live near Rockhampton (with hubby, S1, baby girl, dog and horses) and my bro4 use to live Mackay for years with his beautiful family & brick home (before psychosis ruined things there). I have visuals in my head of the areas they're mentioning on the radio (don't have tv). Praying for my two nephews up there and estranged sister in law with all her family there, authorities and everyone. Hope nobody dies. It all stresses me all this, gonna have to sink into my cave. Hope you don't mind me saying all this. I know it probably sounds 'nuts' but I've been here before and survived. Never had forum support though (or any support) before really, unless I rang a crisis line (which I don't usually think to do during like rgis). I'll be ok, safer at home. Might pop back later xox

Hearing you @Former-Member .... and I'm with you .... do something special for yourself .... maybe drive 42km the other way to have a coffee somewhere .... then accept the birthday wishes that come your way from the people you work with in the shop and elsewhere where they feel more genuine.

Hoping something lovely comes your way this week. I prefer birthday week to birthday day .... It's a bigger catchment area for nice things to happen.

I agree with @Faith-and-Hope, do something special for yourself ..-- @Former-Member