Self Harm

@MDT @Owlunar @outlander @Shaz51 @Snowie @Molliex

And anyone else reading. Yesterday was tough. I have this overwhelming feeling of incompetency in the workplace, it's at the root of my anxiety. Now and last night I have had urges to self harm, but I think I'll be okay. I am going off for a swim right now so that's a good distraction.

One other thing, I have had a sore shoulder since October, I saw my gp and got the results from my mri this morning saying I have bursitis. So I will need to see a sports physiologist. I am really hoping it can be fixed.

I hope you're all doing well today

I think I will organise to do some painting this afternoon on an artwork that I have prepared .

Love to you all Angels333

Hi @Angels333

When it comes to competency in the workplace - do you have anything that is specifically not working? - are there areas that you are unsure about?

If there is nothing sure about this then maybe it's a feeling and while feelings are valid they are not necessarily true - so then it's the anxiety that bites - and that is hard to deal with

If you do know where you feel you fall short in info or ability then I am sure you know that you can fix this - I was a persistent asker-of-questions when I was new at a job - I sometimes wonder if I was a nuisance but no one ever said so - asking questions is a good way to learn - but it can be tough too - working out exactly what you are supposed to be doing there -

When it comes to managing settings on computers -- I have been doing this for years and years but smart phones are tricky - I am not so well versed - I hope you can work that out - I like my stuff to work - otherwise I want to badly wave a magic wand - I really hate dealing with my provider on the phone - sometimes it's necessary

I hope you can get help with that shoulder - seeing a sports pysiologist is a good idea - sometimes you can have an injection into the bursa that will help in a dramatic way - it depends on your medical advise - try and not swim overarm or backstroke for a while - that sort of exercise can overwork the muscles in the rotator cuff in your shoulder so ask the sports physiologist about that - I would

I hope things are looking up for you this week - so much anxiety can be exhausting

All the best

Dec

Hey @Owlunar , thanks for your reply.

As far as the incompetency comes from, it's a feeling. I've been teaching swimming for 20 years and was once nominated as teacher of the year in NSW. I have just lost my confidence coinciding with my mental breakdown 4 years ago. I'm doing a big charity swim atm I have to swim a minimum distance every day for 30 days. I am raising money for the starlight foundation. It started on Australia day. I agree freestyle should be avoided, but I feel I need to push through the pain and just complete the fundraiser then I can rest.

I do feel much better having gone for a swim, shoulder is still sore . I don't work again until Saturday, the anxiety is always there, it starts Friday... It's overwhelming.

Wow @Angels333

You are swimming to raise money for the Starlight Foundation - that is fantastic - I would certainly encourage you to continue that - it would be a tremendous boost to your confidence and self-image - and you have already done 10 days. Well done

Having a breakdown would damage your self-confidence and being a swimming teacher is a responsible position - I imagine you are teaching children which is a added stress - are you doing that now?

I'm not really sure of some terminology - I'm not sure of the parameters of mental breakdown or burnout etc - I had a burnout in 1977 - it was a major turning point in my life - it was a time when everyone - that is EVERYONE - had advice for me to recover and get on with my life - I had to really examine everything I was looking at - it took years to move on to other people etc - and all these years later I wonder that I made it through with so many people in society having a nay-say in my life

It would destroy self-confidence - it has to be a shaky start to whatever we choose to do again - or afresh -

I wish you the best with your swimming - and overcoming your anxiety - I still get anxious at times - after all these years - and I know it's only a feeling too -

Thinking of you

Dec

Yeh, @MDT I don't know what it's about either. I get praise all the time but it doesn't sink in.

hello @Angels333 . I am so sorry I haven't been around.

How are you doing? I have been thinking about you x

Hey @MDT @Owlunar @outlander @Shaz51

I was going so well.

I have been swimming almost everyday, including a long swim this morning. I'm thinking about training for an ocean swim. My self confidence has been improving and my anxiety and sence of incompetency have lessened.

It's all been good.

Until today. I got so upset over the most immature thing, no one knew I was down I didn't say anything. It was all a negative internal dialogue saying "I'm not good enough".

There was some signs last night with some odd thought associationsbordering on OCD. But I didn't dwell on it.

Anyway, I self harmed around lunchtime, there's nothing I can do about it now. On the scale it's quite bad but I don't need a dr. I felt like calling my psychologist or my DBT therapists but I've never done that before and I don't know the status quo regarding that.

Anyway, thanks @Molliex for tagging me. It really means so much to me that you care to think of me. If it matters I think of you frequently also.

So I'm a bit dissapointed in myself and I know that It should just be put down to being a bad day. But I have some dark thoughts going though my head that need addressing.

Love Angels333

Hey @Angels333,

It sounds like there have been a lot of positive things happening for you, and you have been really kind to yourself acknowledging you've had a bad day, and not being too hard on yourself.

When you mention you've got some dark thoughts today that need addressing, I realise you could be talking about a lot of things, I'm going to send you an email just to check in.

Take care of yourself,

Tortoiseshell