Can I please share what's going on with my husband - (possible BPD)

@Grace01, how true to your name that you say you have forgiven your husband. As I mentioned in the initial discussion about this in the Carer's Forum, I did a similarly awful and selfish thing to my ex-husband a couple of decades ago when in the grip of mania. It ended our marriage and it took thirteen years for my ex to want to speak to me again. After the mania had subsided I lived with terrible guilt over that time about what had happened, found it very hard to forgive myself. It still remains one of the greatest regrets of my life that I treated him so badly. I'm so grateful that he has forgiven me. Just keep remembering that your wellbeing is the number one priority at this time. I think that's the message so many of us posting here are trying to emphasise in different ways.

Hi @Grace01

Sometimes when we really want something and go after our dreams/desires we can throw caution to the wind and not care about the consequences (as your husband did). This is not always indicative of a mental disorder. I have known many to "take uncalculated risks" to obtain their hearts desires whom were not mentally ill and clocked up much debt or unwanted consequences. I think most of us have been burned this way at some stage of our lives accumulating debt.

Even if acted out of character we can all act recklessly at times if we want something bad enough. Then we usually learn by the consequences being made responsible for them - otherwise we can continue being reckless if we get away with it or if the desire is still not fully met. That can be a weakness of human nature - not to think before we leap being overcome by desire.

Some can act this out all their lives as they are always chasing that elusive desire that never totally fulfills and the emptiness within becomes larger and larger as they continue to chase the wind as they perceive that as happiness, not caring who they hurt along the way.

I think the diagnosis of BP or any other mental health issues in your husbands situation needs to be professionally assessed in order to know how to proceed here otherwise assumptions can be made that can be unhelpful or misguided in addressing his hurtful bad behaviour and its adverse effects on you. Similar to a DV situation, if disrespect is forgiven and accepted when the offender has not changed its saying it's okay; this feeds the behaviour and further hurt and harm can result which doesn't help anyone in the situation.

Be concerned for you dear Grace and look after your welfare loving yourself as well. Assert your worth. I wish you all the best xx

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@Mazarita wrote:

I did a similarly awful and selfish thing to my ex-husband a couple of decades ago when in the grip of mania. It ended our marriage and it took thirteen years for my ex to want to speak to me again. After the mania had subsided I lived with terrible guilt over that time about what had happened, found it very hard to forgive myself. It still remains one of the greatest regrets of my life that I treated him so badly.

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I feel like that too at times @Mazarita. I have also deeply hurt partners/loved ones in my past when younger and also have deep regrets. Not due to mania though. I came from an abusive childhood, drank a lot, was reckless/selfish and learnt the hard way!! I never had a proper role model so really didn't know much else on how to behave. I had to work it out myself along the way and am happy with who I am now.

I suppose we all have hurt others along the way to some degree and live and learn when remorse sets in. I sometimes wish I could go back and change things but looking back is fruitless. I now look forward.

Don't beat yourself up about it - it's who we are now that matters. And your loving support here is indicative of a person to be proud of. Warm hugs 🌹💛

@Former-Member, thanks so much for your kind words.

Thank you everyone for the kind, supportive replies.

I know I can't blame everything on a mental illness. It was my dr that mentioned he may have Bipolar and some friends of mine who are sufferers. It could be anything, personality disorder or just "personality"

When I first met my husband, he had shared with me his own traumatic life. He was addicted to herion and smoked pot from a young age.He was also a compulsive gambler(he worked with race horses ) He lead a life of crime and served some (short time in jail). It was a shock when he shared it with me. He used to share with me the stories of running from the cops and the thrill he got from it (while high on drugs). He was also homeless for a short while. He did experience some depression but that was after his friend was killed crossing the road.

He became a christian and started attending my church. I fell in love with him never-the-less. I suppose i took a huge risk. Maybe that says something about me.

Despite our sorrow and griefs and traumas in our life from tragedies, we were very good close friends and had a good marriage.

He has struggled on an off with gambling in our marriage. Don't think he has turned back to drugs though.

I am doing suprisingly ok tonight. I think, because it's out in the open now.

Thanks again for the support.

Hi @Grace01, I wonder if you have many friends at this time in your life who are able to support you through this. People at your church? What do you get up to during your days at the moment? It's good to be getting to know you better.

I think I am entering depression...not wanting to get up in the mornings. I have a few friends. Most people I know from church can't relate. They have loving husbands and children. They tell me to "get on with my life and let him make his own choices" Easy to say. Hard to do.

I have Hashimotos so I am tired most days anyway. Now I am extra tired. I will just rest when I can. My mind is fuzzy, my body is exhausted.

I need someone to come in and help take care of me but don't know who.

I just have to wait on God to provide more help. Thanks for caring.

Hi @Grace01,

thanks for sharing so much of your life story with us. You are an amazing and resilient person.

That is truly amazing that you could forgive your husband - I doubt I could do the same if I were in your situation. I aspire to be a very forgiving person and yet I find I always fall back on being extremely self-protective. I would not want to forgive someone if it meant that I would then be open to getting hurt again by that person.

It seems to me that it comes down to deciding whether or not your husband is responsible for his actions or whether mental illness is to blame. I think it is very hard to tell one way or another.

Just going on what you have written, you are very justified in being concerned for your husband's mental health. You wrote that his mother has serious mental health issues herself and that your husband was addicted to drugs at a very young age? Mental illness often has a hereditary component and turning to drugs at a young age could be a sign that something was not right psychologically very early on, for your husband.

I am wondering if he has ever had counselling or sought help for any distressing symptoms?

From what I have learnt over the past 10 years or so, people with MI are usually aware of what they are doing, even to the point of knowing if it is right or wrong.... but their ability to reason and curb their impulses is impaired.

For instance, your husband would have known it was wrong to go on a dating site while he was married to you. He took care to hide it from you. But he may have been plagued by impulses to seek out other women - impulses that were just beyond his control at that time. MI can change the way the brain operates. A person with MI can come up with very strong reasons to justify their actions, even if these reasons would seem very unusual or bizarre to someone who is completely sane.

I am not a professional. I don't know if your husband has a MI or not. But it is very interesting to read that your doctor suspects that he does. If you trust your doctor, which I believe you do, then perhaps there is something to go on there. A good doctor will not throw around a diagnosis like that without thought.

I hope your husband can get some help to work through his problems. But ultimately, you are not responsible for him and your first loyalty must be always be towards yourself. Do everything in your power to look after you.

Big hugs to you.

I've read the thread, and as a BP1 (bipolar disorder type one with psychosis) sufferer, I think it's POSSIBLE that your special person has been suffering from it, but the best thing is to ask a psych doc.

As for you, I'm more concerned for yourself than him. The very upmost important thing is to be safe and well. I really hope you don't sink too much into depression, it can get bad. Have you considered having a day off and have a spa or do whatever you absolutely want and love.

Sending big hugs and warm vibes.

Hi @Grace01

Our free will gives us the choice of helping the situation along by reaching out to others, which is what you are doing a great job of here with us. So pleased you are finding support here. It will give you strength to go on, and that is important, for you and all the people who love and want to support you.

@Mazarita Is right. Can you let people at church know you need some help, even if it is just in small or subtle ways, if that is all you can manage for now ?

Sometimes people hold back, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and making things worse for you. Even if they do or say something in the moment that treads on your toes, it can cause you to process a little bit more in your own life, and they in theirs, and everybody find the courage to try again. It's trial and error all the way through life, but if we persevere, we find successes along the way. And we can find successes together. These outweigh the "whoops" moments by far.

You are not alone. 🌷