Need a little help tonight

Hey Hon - just checking in to see how you are travelling @Razzle Been thinking of you

Hi @Zoe7 Still plodding along. Mum is still being a bit of a pill about food, yesterday was a bit of a struggle, but she was marginally better today.

I woke around 4.30 this morning, was still awake around 6 when my husband woke up. He was all up for a chat, well, to make me feel guilty more like. He said he is struggling with our lack of intimacy- in particular our lack of kissing - this is the one part of intimacy I can’t do - thanks to my last abuser when I was 11yo. We have covered this particular problem over the last few sessions and he had said that he got it, that he understood, but seems not.

Kissing is what gives me the vision that

gets stuck in my mind, it takes me right back to that time and place.

He said he was also struggling with the travel to and from town to our farm each day (a whole 20 minutes). It was never a problem when I worked full time off farm and I had to do it every day - I told him to stay on the farm then and not bother travelling in here every night. He kind of back peddled for a bit then because he also doesn’t want to be home in an empty house.

Then he said my brother needs to step up and take on some of my mothers care because we don’t get any alone time any more - no shit, but he knew what we had signed up for when we moved in here. My brother and his wife both work full time and I’m the one that volunteered - besides, my husband has had plenty of years to have “alone time” but chose to sit on the computer, watch tv all night or do his own thing while I was left sitting alone practically being ignored.

I’m starting to feel like he’s not overly supportive (that was sarcasm) but that’s nothing new. He’s big enough to look after himself and do what he wants - and he does. Right now mum needs help and she wont live forever so I want to make the most of the time I have.

I’m a bit over it all at the moment, I’m sick of him trying to call the shots when it suits him. He has no idea what it is to make sacrifices, and I’m really not enjoying his selfishness at the moment.

After seeing the guy last week that abused me, I got up some courage and ended up FB stalking him. I was happy to see that his marriage has fallen apart and life isn’t so great for him after all. Silver linings.

Mum has gone to bed, and even though I didn’t get much sleep last night I’m really not very tired, just watching a bit of tv for a while.

How was work for you today ?

It sounds very much like your husband is feeling some of the loneliness that you have been feeling even in his company @Razzle That is not a bad thing - it is so hard to feel alone even with others around and I hear that is what you have been feeling in your marriage for some time. Maybe now he won't take you for granted and step up taking your needs into account - we can only hope hey!

He can also choose to help you out with your Mum or walk away - either way you will continue to look after her as you have made that commitment to do so ...and as you say others in your family work fulltime so that leaves little time to step in also. You do need some support though @Razzle - you cannot continue to do this longer term without support ...and if your husband cannot be that support then reach out to get it elsewhere. That may be professional support or the occsional night/day from your brother ...and hopefully before you get to a stage where you cannot handle it yourself anymore. It is a huge thing you are doing for your mum but please look after yourself also - because you matter too

I understand how triggering that encounter was and it doesn't surprise me you checked him out and where his life is at present. In a small way that gives you some power in knowing what is going on for him - and yes a little happiness that his life is not ideal either.

The intimacy issues certainly have their basis in your history and that is incredibly hard to overcome. It certainly seems that hubby has no idea how excruciating it is for you and is only thinking of his own needs - but then if you have not been through it it is hard to understand too. Definitely more sessions needed and persistence to try to get through to him how hard it is for you.

Work is keeping me really busy but despite being so full on it is also good. The kids are beginning to settle into routines and we are slowly getting used to each other - certainly has been hard work but slowly falling into place. Going to have to use my day off this week to do a lot but once it is all sorted it will make it easier going forward for the rest of the term. I am enjoying being in the class again though and enjoying seeing the kids learn

@Zoe7 I’m glad you are really enjoying your job. As the old saying goes, find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life Is it a very full class, as in, are there a lot of students ?

I think you have my husband worked out pretty well, I think he is feeling exactly what I’ve been feeling for years. Wether he stays or goes doesn’t really worry me any more, too much has happened in our marriage for me to care either way. For us to stay together something had to change, and you couldn’t get a bigger change than this. Now I guess we’ll see wether he will step up to the plate or not.

Mums health has been improving daily, she doesn’t exactly need a baby sitter every hour of the day, so I have been getting out of the house for an hour or 2 each afternoon for the last couple of days. Meals have still been iffy, but tonight she watched over my shoulder as I cooked pasta, she was hungry, and then she sat up at the table waiting for tea and ate the whole lot - I’ll take that as a huge win !!

That is a huge win @Razzle and a real positive that you have been able to get out and have some time to yourself as well

You have been dealing with problems in your marriage and the issues with your son and his family for a long time Hon so I very much hear you about things needing to change with your husband. This really is a time when his true character will come out and if he is determined for the marriage to last then he certainly does need to step up to the plate - and some of that is giving you the space you need to work through the intimacy issues.

@Zoe7 Yes exactly. My councillor asked me at my last session how I felt about being in town when my husband stays the night at the farm. I said, honestly, I feel like I have a comfortable space between us. He asked if I was lonely, I said no more than how lonely I felt when my husband was there

in the same room as me when I was on the farm, at least mum talks to me.

This is definitely a good break for you both @Razzle and that distance you have can bring with it perspective also ...on both your parts hopefully

I feel pretty good where I am at the moment being here in town @Zoe7.

I feel like my husband is having to do all the “chasing” so to speak. It’s a complete about turn, he now has to do some work toward the marriage. The thing is, I’ve moved out and it’s going to take a LOT to get me back. I think he’s starting to realise what he let go and what he’s now missing out on.

Hey @Razzle I went to sleep last night so just getting your message.

Maybe you being there with your Mum is finally opening your husband's eyes as to everything you do and what he is missing. I absolutely hear you about being comfortable where you are and hubby having to do all the 'chasing' - it gives you time to think things through for yourself also without the constant negativity around you. Sometimes we need that distance with things to work through them - so you being with your Mum and having some of that space may not be a bad thing at all.

@Zoe7 Yes the space is good, exactly what I needed. We have a couples counceiling session tomorrow, might be interesting.

Mum was a bit of a pill today. She got up during the night and got lost, she was trying to find her sheet and blankets to get into bed, except she was in the lounge room sitting on a recliner. I got her back to bed. Breaky was ok, but the rest of the day was tough.

At tea tonight I became her mother after she threw a tantrum at tea time. I ended up outside crying into the recycle bin, pulled myself together, came back inside - she’s forgotten all about the argument and I’ve had the good cry I needed so I’m ok at the moment too.

My brother is having lunch with her tomorrow because I’ll be at my appointment, so that’s one battle I’ll avoid tomorrow.

Tomorrow is your day off, hope you can at least get a sleep in. Good luck with all your job prep