Need a little help tonight

I had that exact fear for so long myself @Razzle It pervades your whole life and everything you do (or don't do) revolves around your fears. I no longer have the fear that my ex will come back or that those people in my childhood would enter back into my life either. ...but that has taken a lot to get to this point. I still have nightmares and there are many triggers that stop me in my tracks at times but I am also dealing them much better. That is not to say that I don't have times that I am completely frozen by my thoughts or feel the pain and memories both emotionally and physically - because I do. It is so hard to deal with all that and what you have experienced today would have sent me down that dark hole too.

If there is any positive to come out of today then it is that 'he' ran away - maybe that was guilt - I certainly hope so. I hope he carries that around with him and has been doing that for all these years - maybe that is just a glimpse of justice

It takes a lot just to function everyday with the pain of the past but you have also married and are a mum - things I have never wanted nor ever done - so my past certainly had a massive impact upon my life. Those things are great acomplishments in themselves Hon- you have moved forward in so many ways - and as hard it is to find any good in the past you should be proud of the immense strength within yourself - because that is exactly what I see within you Hon ...immense strength

@Zoe7 I thought I’d moved forward from what happened in my childhood, I thought I’d left it all behind. It’s only in the last year or so I have realised just how much it has impacted on myself, my marriage - on my whole life. I used to think I was a strong person, but the truth is I can barely keep myself together anymore.

You have to recognise that you have had sooo much happening for you this year too @Razzle All the issues in your marriage and your problems with your son and his partner and family have had a massive impact on you - do not underestimate just how much strain that would put on anyone let alone someone with an existing MI. All that just exacerbates your feelings and functioning Hon. ...and the triggering session last week has also had a massive impact on you. You are doing it day by day but it is incredibly hard right now. So many of us here get that and really do feel for you. It is so hard to find any pleasure in life - especially when you feel everything you ever had or wanted is falling apart. ...but you also recognise how tough it is and how low you are feeling and that is self-awareness

There are no easy answers or quick fixes here though Hon - it takes time, support and finding (when you can) a little self-belief. I know that last one feels impossible ...I still really struggle with that too. It will be good for you to work with your psych on some strategies (when you are ready) but for day it really is putting one foot in front of the other and simply getting through each day.

I have to head to bed @Razzle I do hope you can get some sleep tonight. Will check in with you tomorrow. Hugs and hugs

@Zoe7 Thanks for saying those words, and it is day by day at the moment. I’m heading to bed too, I’m exhausted tonight.

Thanks for the chat ❤️❤️

I am not surprised you were exhausted last night @Razzle It was a massive day for you - especially emotionally. Just home from work but wanted to check in to see how you are today. Have a bit to do tonight for work and then a lot to get planned over the weekend - so I will be around but on and off for the next couple of days. Will check in with you when I can though

Hi @Zoe7 I’ve been a bit blah today. Mum has been a bit of a pain at meal times again today.

Finally got to sleep around 1ish and then I woke around 6 this morning with a screaming headache and took some pain killers, but got back to sleep again and dragged myself out of bed around 8.30. We went to the farm today so I could grab a few more things and bring into town.

Did some vacuuming and a couple loads of washing this afternoon and spent the rest of the day vegging our in front of the tv.

Feeling pretty tired again tonight.

Your work sounds like it is keeping you very busy, but I’m sure you love your job so wouldn’t find it too much of a chore. I hope you enjoy your weekend, I have no plans yet, day by day as you know.

Yeah day by day Hon - that is al you can do at the moment @Razzle

It sounds like you have had a bit to do today but also found some down time so that is good.

Yes I have a bit to get done but you are also right - I like my job and that feeling is coming back now that I have my own class again. The kids are lovely (a bit noisey but we will work on that). Mostly they are happy and working well so that is a bonus.

Just getting dinner organised here so may take a while to reply.

@Zoe7 My husband suggested Chinese takeaway tonight, thank goodness because I’m a bit over preparing and cooking food at this stage of the week. He also picked up his mum and she joined us for tea.

He is staying here tonight, I kind of wish he wasn’t, I kind of feel a little prickly tonight, uncomfortable in my own skin and would rather be alone, but I’ve had 2 nights alone which means he has too, and I think he misses me more than I miss him.

I can can barely keep my eyes open tonight, so I might sign off and get an early night.

I hope you get all your school prep done over the weekend, and get some time for yourself to do something for you too ❤️❤️

Get some much needed rest tonight Hon and I hope you have a better sleep. Take care of yourself @Razzle Will check in with you tomorrow