Need a little help tonight

Thanks Hon. Have been getting up super early so will use that time tomorrow to get started then probably sleep for a bit longer and do some more in the afternoon.

I hope it goes better for you tomorrow but we are here for you if you need to de-brief as well @Razzle Reach out for that support if you need it. Only too happy to listen

Thanks @Zoe7, I really do appreciate the support. It’s been really good to be able to talk, particularly this past week.

Not a problem at all @Razzle It has actually been nice chatting with Hon and glad I could give you that ear this week too

Sending love for that solo session tomorrow @Razzle Glad to read today was better, and that idea of making small talk with mum so her mind isn't so focused on the meal is a great move, sounds like it's helping

@Zoe7 @Ali11

I got mum up showered, dressed and ready for the district nurse this morning. I made her breakfast which she grumbled about but she did eat it and then I went to see my councillor.

It was a kind of an all over the place type of session. He didn’t want to talk too much about what started the vision in the first place seeing as I was so triggered by it last week, and he didn’t want me to have to go through it all again this week.

We bounced around a couple of topics. I left feeling a little unsettled but sometimes the sessions go like that.

I was going to head straight home but decided to duck into a shopping centre quickly on my way out of town. I pulled into the car park, got out of the car and started walking toward the plaza and almost walked into someone. Neither of us was looking where we were

going, we only noticed each other when we nearly collided.

I still cannot believe what happened - this person I almost crashed into was the person that sexually assaulted me when I was 10. He looked horrified and took off. I just stood there frozen watching him run away. He turned a couple of times and looked back at

me before he disappeared inside the plaza. God I feel sick just thinking about it now, my heart is almost pounding out of my chest even now.

I got back in the car and drove back to mums feeling sick to my stomach. I walked in and my husband was there, he had bought himself and mum something for lunch. Of course she didn’t want it but I just snapped at her that she was eating it, she didn’t argue.

I looked around for something to eat, hubby hadn’t gotten me anything, he said he didn’t realise I’d be home by lunch time, even though I’d told him I would be a couple times yesterday.

He left soon after and isn’t staying here tonight, thank god because I don’t want him, or anyone for that matter being near me.

Ive been walking in a fog all afternoon. I’ve just got tea on and I guess I’ll do battle with mum again trying to get her to eat. I feel like everything is piling on top of me all over again.

Sending you love @Razzle, it sounds like you had a day. It sounds like you were incredibly strong to stand there and not run away like the other person did. We can see you were scared but please know that you are so strong. Please be kind to yourself as you recover from this unplanned meeting.

That is incredibly hard to have to deal with @Razzle I can imagine how sick and fragile you feel after that. There really are no words that can help with those feelings or the intensity of them. When we are confronted with such highly triggering incidents as this it often feels impossible to bring ourselves back to the present. You have still done a great job in getting through the day but I absolutely hear how hard that has been for you.

I can see why your psych did not want to go through what triggered you last week but reading between the lines it seems that you had stealed yourself to do that and may have been a little disappointed that you didn't discuss it. Maybe with a little distance you can do that next time and he can work with you on some strategies to help you afterwards

It was nice of your hubby to brinf lunch for your Mum but to make an excuse to exclude you was not good. Even if he thought you were not going to be there it could have been there for you to eat when you came home. Sometimes people just do not think things through. ...but that is the least of your concerns right now - the most pressing issue is what happened today and looking after yourself. Here for a little while tonight to sit with you

@Ali11 I wanted nothing more than to run but I couldn’t get my legs to move.

@Zoe7 I just want to hide away and cry. I’ve only seen this person twice in 38 years, the last time was around 20 years ago. It was such a shock today, my whole body is still tense, I feel terrible.

I had thought the councillor may have talked about last weeks session. After I told him about how I was the following few days when the vision was at its worst, I was hoping he would offer some strategies. He said he didn’t want me to get triggered again and go through the same thing as last week, but he said we did need to revisit this in the future. I wasn’t disappointed, I was a little relieved because I really didn’t want to talk about it again in depth - I can’t keep control of my emotions when we talk about the events that leave me like this.

I feel like my heads all over the place tonight, I can’t concentrate on anything,

I do know those feelings @Razzle I'll tell you a little story here so you know I get it ...

A couple of years ago I had a friend request on Facebook from one of my childhood abusers. As you can imagine it came out of the blue and completely threw me. I felt completely stuck - I could not move from the seat for hours. It was not just my legs that would not move but I found it hard to breath. This came only after a couple of weeks before when I found out he was married to one of the school bus drivers - someone who I had seen every day for many years (I used to do bus duty every night at school). I never for once even put her last name together with his - and to make it worse I knew the name of her husband but never put two and two together there either.

So I totally get how things like this can not only throw us out but make us feel so incredibly sick and broken again. Everything you are going through at the moment is totally understandable - and is also your own body's defence against the inexcusable. We fight, flight or freeze in these situations and whichever one we go through is so individual - and totally okay. Freezing is a common reaction - the complete shutdown of any reactions to begin with to protect ourselves. So I am very much sitting right here with you tonight - I get it Hon

@Zoe7 I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that too, and yes you clearly do get it.

I hate how I freeze, I hate that I don’t fight back - that I didn’t fight back. I hate how these people still have such a hold over me now. I live in a small town and some of the abusers from the group assault still live here. I avoid some places where I know they may be, but I have come across them in the supermarket a few times. My first reaction is always fear, and I hate that they still make me feel like that.