Weird Moral Dilemma....

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@Sahara wrote:

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you have all touched on the fact that is is best and most productive to only make friends among people who are very similar to you. I agree. I would love to do this. Believe me, I have tried to find people who are like me. They must be very few and far between.

I am planning to set up my own business teaching art soon. I hope this will lead me to some like-minded people.

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Hi @Sahara. 🙂

I think that there is perhaps a balance to be struck. I believe that if we surround ourselves with "yes" people who always agree with us (or appear to agree with us because they wish to avoid conflict), then we are doing ourselves (and them) a great disservice. The occasional bit of honest criticism or uncomfortable truth can be a wonderful thing.

I don't like people who are uncertain in their own sense of self or self worth, and seek to pull others down all the time. I've had a few friends like that over the years, and I kept them around because I hoped to gently enlighten them to a different way of interacting with people. But it didn't work out that way, and people like that are often very exhausting to be around, so I let the friendships fade into obscurity...

I like the distinction you make between being intelligent, and being a deep thinker, @Sahara. This is a very important point, I feel. All of my friends that I spoke about are intelligent people. They just so happen to be very superficial thinkers. They are like the flat stones that skim across the water at great speed, and I am the rounded rock that goes plop! into the water and sinks down deep. Alas, the ripples from my plopping cause the skimming stones to hit turbulent waters instead of the flat waters they like, and so the skimming stops...

I too have struggled immensely in my life, trying to find just one other person that shares the same interests in deep thinking, in philosophising, in writing, and so forth. In the world of the Really Real, I can count using just one finger on one hand the number of people that I have actually found who I can connect with on that level. One person, out of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people I have known...

I dreamed of belonging to a group of fellow writers, and we would get together for drinks and stimulating discourse, then all go off and write as if possessed. That is my ideal state. I could have been William Seward Burroughs to someone else's Ginsberg or Kerouac...

But I have yet to find such a happy challenging fulfilling circle of friends in the Really Real...

I find it to be a very awesome thing that I have connected more deeply with so many of you wonderful people, first on BlueBoard and now here on Sane, than I have with nearly anyone else in the world of the Really Real. It's not because I am socially awkward or have anxiety issues about meeting people. Admittedly I am an introvert, and prefer to keep to myself, but that's also not the reason that I struggle to find likeminded souls in the Real.

The reason is probably more likely along the lines that peeps with mental health issues have mental health issues because they naturally delve into and dwell on things, they over think, they are troubled souls, they are deep thinkers. It's a two-edged sword being all of that, and it cuts quite deeply into a lot of us.

But that which makes us "unwell" is pretty well the same thing that makes us rather special, if you ask me...

Here's to my online peeps. Cheers to you all. Without you, I fear that I would have lost my biscuit by now

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@theaveragejoe wrote:

IN the end you are a very samrt person Sahara just try to make the right decision for if this friend finds out that you have bought a beautiful house, have no mortgage and are happy in it all hell may break loose 🙂

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Lol, well.... not exactly all hell breaking loose.... but I will tell her about the house in time. I think she will put two and two together and wonder why I did not tell her sooner about the house. "Why the delay in telling me?" She will think. "Why was this purchase so secretive?"

She might guess that I have some reservations about her, but she won't know for sure. Like I said previously, I will use the excuse of the building inspection and then I will say that we told hardly anyone but my Dad and my husband's parents. She will think it's unusual, sure, but I don't think she can hold it against me.

Also, I'll tell her over the phone, so as if the conversation turns critical, I can just get off the phone quickly!

Hi @Kurra,

thanks for your support. yes, my friend has many good qualities as well, and at least I am not alone in my dislike of her dark side.

I believe you are so right. We all have our bad points, me included. I want others to appreciate me, in spite of my flaws... so I should do the same and accept others.

It's really just a matter of my anxiety getting the better of me. If I weren't anxious, I would challenge my friend's criticism without any qualms. I would really bloody give it to her, too, as I am a good debater!

I just don't want to argue. The few times that we have argued, it has not even been all that bad, to be honest. I probably should stick up for myself more.

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@Silenus wrote:

I dreamed of belonging to a group of fellow writers, and we would get together for drinks and stimulating discourse, then all go off and write as if possessed. That is my ideal state. I could have been William Seward Burroughs to someone else's Ginsberg or Kerouac...

But I have yet to find such a happy challenging fulfilling circle of friends in the Really Real...

Thanks Si,

for this. I am like you! I always wished for a group of friends who were creative thinkers and who would challenge me in a good way. The closest I ever got to having this was in art school. That was a long time ago.

I like to read biographies of influential women who were artists or writers. A lot of them met fellow artistic types and formed strong bonds that lasted a life-time. This hasn't happened to me. I suppose it could be my own doing.

I had one really great, artistic friend, but she got married, had 3 kids and is now medicated to the max and is an alcoholic, to boot. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it kind of precludes having really meaningful discussions.....

I had another good friend who was creative and a deep thinker, but we fell out and never became friends again. She is lost to me now.

But overall, perhaps finding the right tribe of motivated, artistic types is actually a rare thing? That is why when these groups do happen, they are so celebrated by history? Because these type of groups form so infrequently? I am thinking of the artists who met up at Heidi homestead in Melbourne in the early 1900's and groups like that.

@Silenus,

I see you are a William Burroughs fan. Have you seen the movie "Naked Lunch" of the book he wrote? What a trippy movie! So bizarre. I must see that agian one day.

@Sahara I rather think you missed my point entirely...

I wasn't writing about 'rich' and 'poor', not really, I was trying to explain why your friend might lash out at you in the first place - not everyone is the same. Just because you are able to 'hang out' with 'rich people' without feeling jealous doesn't mean everyone else is like you.

Your friend is lashing out at you because you are causing her pain. Telling her that you just bought a new house and expecting her to be happy about it when she's deeply entrenched in a mortgage due to a messy divorce is kind of unsympathetic on your part. It would cause her a lot of pain. Rationally, she isn't allowed to tell you this; society says that we have to be happy for others successes. So her only recourse is to make snarky remarks at you in the hopes that you will stop boasting about your success in front of her.

Anyways I can see you can't see past your own point of view so I'll just leave it there.

Si walks through, juggling a fluffy kitten, a white dove and a block of chocolate...

Gently does it. Hi peeps...

I heard a joke a while back... what was it now?

A speech therapist walks into a bar and starts putting words in people's mouths...

Boom tish!

Actually, that's woeful. This is why the class clown role never really worked for me...

Leaving a warm fluffy pile of hugs... 🙂

Hi @Silenus, and all,

thanks for your support. The weekend actually went quite well in the end. I was experiencing some anxiety in general about a few things, but I found my friend's company to be mainly soothing. It was really good to see her.

I didn't end up mentioning the new house, although I doubt if would have mattered all that much if I had of.

I suppose my main problem is that I do get anxious over friendships and because I this I have constant worries about saying the right thing and making things go smoothly. I hate conflict! I can't relax if I feel there is conflict in the air. It really bothers me.

Overall, I'm glad I saw my friend and I will definitely keep in contact with her.

Thanks everyone for writing as it's great to get so much diverse input.

Hi @Sahara

Good to read that you enjoyed the weekend Sahara 🙂 I think you already knew it would be good if you didn't share your good news with her - to protect yourself from her criticism and consequential anxiety. So an inevitable outcome but a good one.

It is a shame you can't be open with her still but regardless the positive is that at least you had a good time and now know you are happy to pursue the friendship on this level; with a free conscience about not sharing your news of the house purchase (which was your initial moral dilemma); and now believe it would not of mattered if you did anyway because your friend was soothing company and the weekend a desirable outcome. So her being critical when you share good news, as she has done repeatedly in the past (her dark side as you put it), is now no longer an issue for you. Quite a sudden turn-a-round! A little confusing this end, but it must be a huge relief for you which is what matters. Good news x