@Sahara wrote:
Thanks @Former-Member and @Silenus,
OTE, yes it might seem a bit confusing. I doubt I have overcome the issue in the long run. I still get a lot anxiety around friendships and also with this one woman in particular because her relationship style is so confrontational.
There was one incident where I mentioned that I wanted to do my doctorate in art at uni, perhaps even starting this year. I felt my friend was initially excited for me, but then picked apart my reasons for wanting to do it,
I did start to get anxious and started to put walls up and try to change the subject and everything.
I suppose, again, the real problem is my anxiety. I mean, everyone has a "dark side" and the closer we get to that person, the more we are going to end up seeing it. Also, if you go out into the world, you will have to deal with the 'dark sides' of other people you meet who are not even your friends, but people you have no choice but to deal with.... for example, at work.
thanks so much, guys!
Hi Sahara,
I just wrote a long thoughtful reply and lost it - grrr. Will try again.
I think I understand what you are saying - that your anxiety is the problem in this friendship (your fear of confrontation) and that you need challenging people in your life to learn to deal with it. To be stronger and learn to flick it off to enjoy their company more fully and not be effected by their personality flaws. You are saying that will make you less anxious.
In part yes anxiety is the problem, (the other part is her bad behaviour) - this is true because anxiety/fear can sometimes weaken our natural defences to stand up for ourselves protecting our minds/self esteem when nessecary. If we allow it anxiety can lower our confidence to not assert our true value in relationships by being passive when we should act - asking politely for respect. The more we allow people to upset us regardless how small, big, frequent or infrequent the attacks are (constant criticism in your case) because of anxiety (fear of confrontation) - the worse it will get. No doubt that is a weakness we need to work on for our own good.
Anxiety will try and tell as that there "is no problem with the person or their behaviour or "that they are getting better/improving while still putting us down; trying in our minds to minimise the damage or harm incurred" so we don't have to challenge our own fears or the relationship. That's how fear works - avoidance. Some hide from life because of their anxieties. And nothing gets resolved so the anxiety keeps increasing. That's when anxiety can become a mental prison. Much more beneficial in the long run to face it and the problem at hand.
In my life experience no-one will come out of being putting down on a "continual basis" every time they see certain individuals unscathed or uneffected if they don't speak up or stand up for themselves Sahara. Your other friends who do so know this and are dealing effectively with your friend. If she chooses to continue to act this like this towards them then they will move away for their own well being. Yes, working on the problem of anxiety by speaking up when something is wrong is good - that is not happening when we minimise the ill effect your friend or others have on you and side stepping it (that's avoidance). Your feelings are important as is your mental health - and relationships are a two way street (respect goes both ways).
Even though it's not on a regular basis that you see this person as yes ofcourse that would be more damaging - it still leaves it's mental mark and frustrations that can boil over as you have expressed here. That increases anxiety and not good for those who are vulnerable to such. If there wasn't a problem with your relationship with this lady - if it was only your anxiety as the problem - you wouldn't be posting here. I hear you. Always stick up for yourself.
In my experience engaging with challenging or difficult people either in friendships/workmates/partners and just side stepping their attacks/put downs won't strengthen the mind or ease anxiety to deal with the outside world - on the contrary, it will weaken the mind by increasing anxiety as our self esteem/confidence lowers making us less able to deal with outside challenges and difficult people. Choosing to be around positive people enhances worth thus mental health which helps to ease anxiety. I choose to surround myself as much as possible with them to promote sound mental growth and inner healing.
But when there is no choice such as in the workforce or difficult family members etc, I stand up for myself if continually criticised, put down and disrespected. That's what you do with bullies. And being continually criticised is a form of bullying - accepting that as human flaws does not make it okay in my book.
Ofcourse there are situations where we make make allowances for "harmless human flaws or for a bad day" as no one is perfect, but that's not to say we don't politely comment "that was cutting"; - but if put downs/rudeness/disrespect/criticisms are happening "continually" then that is crossing the line and if accepted will only get worse. If we continue to allow this it empowers the other persons bad behaviour, harms us and does no one any favours. (I.e. DV situations start off with putting up with disrespect and put downs as it is condoning the behaviour). There has to be a line drawn in the sand that others can't cross. Vital in friendships/relationships or they become toxic in my humble opinion.
You speak of others dark side - as something we need to learn to accept and deal with because everyone has one including ourselves (except warts and all). No way. Not healthy to accept that in ourselves or others as okay in my opinion (learnt the hard way). Unfortunately I have had exposure of people's dark sides too often in the past (DV, childhood/adult abuse, manipulation, sexual abuse, bodily harm, and deliberate attacks on my mind (continual put downs). Not something I like to speak of or will again. It's dark/negative. I do so to point out that there is a "big differentiation" between "human flaws/imperfections and a dark side".
A dark side is defined by sociopathic/narcissistic/psychopathic traits whose intentions purposefully seek their self empowerment and indulgence over the welfare of individuals who cross their paths; and whom remain unremorseful of their actions, remain indifferent to the damage/harm incurred by others by the deliberate "choices" they make; even after being enlightened they are hurting another (full knowledge of what they are doing). On what scale that dark side is on depends on how far the individual is prepared to go to get their way or how much they release their vices/negative emotions on others to bring them down in order to self empower - and they thrive on it because they are weak individuals; and the scale of their dark side is dependant on how much of their humanity they have lost. The more they act on their negative traits the more of a monster they become.
Human flaws/imperfections are different - they are defects of personality that can annoy, offend or have a detrimental/negative effect on others that the individual is "not fully aware they are doing". Or not fully aware to the extent of harm it is producing. "They don't intend harm". Usually when enlightened to the harm their human imperfections are creating - people feel remorseful they are hurting others and damaging their quality of relationships and will be genuinely sorry reflected "by working on their flaws for better change" - as this exhibits the value they place on the other.
If change of their flaws isn't happening even if they say they are sorry but getting worse - they are not genuinely remorseful - they aren't valuing/respecting the people or themselves enough to do so (that is what's toxic). That is the big difference - and how we can discern what human imperfections are versus a dark side (judges/lawyer have this moral dilemma a lot when sentencing).
And so no, not everyone has a dark side - all can have some degree of human imperfection on different scales depending on their awareness of it and how hard they work on them. These flaws don't always grow to the extension of a full blown dark side. As once a person is there it is difficult to come back as they continue to justify their actions with no remorse seeing no wrong - they make up their own laws of morality as they go along that suits their agenda or twisted thinking; blind to what they are becoming and that is where true psychopathic madness can entrench; that is the reality of endless darkness. Most of us are not like that thank goodness.
If remorse is truely present (only the case if they are proactively improving - working on their behaviour creating change) or not (having no remorse by continuing to "choose" to behaviour in a matter that hurts others continually once they are made aware). That's how we discern a dark side - the latter. It's wise to move away from such individuals as harm will inevitably occur.
If they aren't sorry and don't change - their behaviour can worsen and develop into "a personality disorder". Mental illness can result from such - not always the other way around. And those of us who have been mentally ill with perception distorted still know they are doing wrong if told repeatedly or by learning from our mistakes ; mental illness does not take that ability to make choices (this forum is evident of that) - not making others responsible does (making excuses continually for them).
The onus is therefore not on those in relationships with them (such as yourself in this instance), - the onus is on the indivual who is offending to help themselves and the only way they can do this is by taking full responsibility of their actions by addressing that "they have a problem". Or nothing changes. Your part is to not allow your anxiety to stop you from sticking up for yourself.
I have had more life experience in this area (starting with myself) than I would care to acknowledge.
When I was at my lowest anxiety/depression wise I surrounded myself with positive people for healing. Then did I become strong enough to take on the more challenging tasks, life events and people if necessary (in my work). And by standing up for myself if continually attacked and disrespected - whether in the home, occasionally or at work was absolutely nessecary to not decline back into becoming once again anxious and depressed.
I can see my younger self in you Sahara and like me I think you are growing more within and are looking for something better - more genuine, fulfilling relationships with kind, positive loving others whom "you can be yourself with warts and all" and not fear being put down. It goes both ways. Whom will be genuinely happy and supportive of you. Even though these type of relationships can take time to nurture as trust needs to be earned, and the fact people are busier in their lives more - they are out there and you will find them. Don't give up or settle for less because of loneliness as this will pass. That's my insight on this Sahara and will leave it there for you to take what is helpful in your situation. It's up to you. Sending all my love to you
She is not in university administration and has not done her post graduate studies. There was no need for her to tell me I was going to have a hard time getting into uni! 
) and she ended up swearing, being verbally confrontational and making a spectacle of herself. Interesting that she mentioned her behaviour to me, considering that it wasn't exactly socially acceptable behaviour! Again, I wonder if there is some new self-awareness there in my friend? 
