Self-love and Self-Hatred

Aw yes - I do understand the dishes @Maggie

I seem to have a lot before my support workers turn up and I can do these myself so I would rather have them out of the way - the trouble is with dishes - as soon as we finish we make more -

Yes - please tag the moderators to merge the two threads - they will do it but that might not happen until Monday or Tuesday but that will be okay -

About your questions - why is it safer to self-hate and self-blame? I don't know for sure but perhaps it's because people are less likely to contradict that attitude - if a person already hates and blames themselves then no one can make it any worse by agreeing.

Perhaps - we might think - if we develop a good opinion of ourselves people might try and disabuse us of this - and so - we might try and beat them to it by feeling badly of ourselves. Actually - I am sure this is harder than it might seem - if we feel okay - as in I'm okay you're okay - it is really hard for someone else to change

Aw yes - I do understand the dishes @Maggie

I seem to have a lot before my support workers turn up and I can do these myself so I would rather have them out of the way - the trouble is with dishes - as soon as we finish we make more -

Yes - please tag the moderators to merge the two threads - they will do it but that might not happen until Monday or Tuesday but that will be okay -

About your questions - why is it safer to self-hate and self-blame? I don't know for sure but perhaps it's because people are less likely to contradict that attitude - if a person already hates and blames themselves then no one can make it any worse by agreeing.

Perhaps - we might think - if we develop a good opinion of ourselves people might try and disabuse us of this - and so - we might try and beat them to it by feeling badly of ourselves. Actually - I am sure this is harder than it might seem - if we feel okay - as in I'm okay you're okay - it is really hard for someone else to change our thoughts on the subject. I know this from life itself -

All the best - I hope you had a good time with your visitor

Dec

@Owlunar The threads are already merged. Thanks to our very efficient @Jupiter.

I think some of my thinking is deeply ingrained in 1. A trauma childhood. and 2. Thinking good or oneself, in the circles I was involved in, was thought of as very wrong. Piety was clothed in abuse. It’s like turning my thinking upside down, inserting right, where wrong was approved of.

What I do realise now, is that I want to change this, and knowing others have, proves it can be done. Breaking yet another link, in the chains of bondage.

Thankyou @Owlunar for being you. 💜💜💜

@NatureLover The threads are merged now. I just wanted to thank you again, as I too am a very private person, so your sharing is extra special, Thankyou dear lady and big 💜💜💜💜

@Owlunar @NatureLover @TheVorticon @Historylover and anyone reading.

I don’t know if this will be of any help, but I personally found it is.

https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/why-saying-youre-not-bad-really-doesnt-work-and-what-to-do-instead/

Thank you for your kind words, @Owlunar , I appreciate them.

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@Owlunar wrote:

...rather I burned out with the troubled child I chose to stick with in spite of himself. My family was a total loss over this child - and they only took him for dinner or a weekend now and again when it suited them - I was heart-broken with their attitude - they couldn't deal with him so they ostracized us both - really?

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I am sorry that this happened...and that your parents estranged you at your very hardest time of you and your son's life. 😞

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@Owlunar wrote:

And good luck can change - I am in Government Housing and that can change too

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I didn't actually know this 😞

I will reply later on points from your thread from last year (now merged)...

Thankyou @Maggie for thinking of me but to be honest - that isn't where I am coming from. I don't know the meaning of self-hate. I know my worth and that is why I have dug my heels in with everyone in my life who has tried to convince me otherwise. They will never succeed.

From the beginning my psychiatrist told me not to read these sorts of things and to this date, I never have and never will. I learnt my worth by finding out who I am, developing my untapped potential - including intellectual - I hadn't thought myself intelligent previously, learnt what my values are when I wasn't trying to 'fit in' with people who weren't 'of my tribe' - and realizing that my self-worth comes from within - not without.

I used to have no self-confidence, no self-respect, no self-esteem, no sense of self-worth but I had a psychiatrist who did his job and who never missed a beat. I know my original post showed him in a dreadful light and to be honest I am still working through it and healing, but I am beginning to get a greater perspective on why he did that. It is still a work in progress. However I can never take away from his extraordinary skill and total dedication. There have been so few in his profession like him - and I have done broad comparisons - listening and reading media articles eg. through the years. I wondered if they really believed their own words.

I am mostly feeling quite well currently and can attribute it to the people on this forum who have reconnected me with interacting with a broad range of people based just on genuine caring. I have benefited enormously - personally and in understanding so much more about what is unseen in people's lives.

I just want everyone to recover from all which ails them too.

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@Maggie wrote:

What I do realise now, is that I want to change this, and knowing others have, proves it can be done. Breaking yet another link, in the chains of bondage.

@NatureLover The threads are merged now. I just wanted to thank you again, as I too am a very private person, so your sharing is extra special, Thankyou dear lady and big 💜💜💜💜

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Thank you - and your sharing is equally as special, @Maggie . I like hearing the hope in what you wrote above.

I've thought of something else that helped me - that was I started volunteering about 12 years ago. I learn new skills, I've made friends, and most importantly, I feel useful. It helps me feel good about myself. My father maintains that I'm a failure because I didn't have a high powered career, I will never buy a house, I've never married and don't have children. However, I feel I'm a success despite him, as I'm alive despite everything, I have a volunteer job (thankfully with a supportive boss), I make it to my appointments, and am managing to function most days with 6 mental illnesses and some physical ones too.

I really feel strongly that people who live with complex mental illness are a success, as they have to battle so much just to get by. There are a lot of amazing people on these forums - I'm in awe of them. You're one of them, @Maggie - you find it hard to love yourself, and yet you have so much love for others here on the forums. You prove that saying wrong, that you have to love yourself in order to love others. (I hope it is OK with you that I wrote that.)

@NatureLover @Maggie @Owlunar I have just been trying to get an early night and my mind just won't let this rest.

I have heard of women who defend the men who abuse them but never did I think I could ever become one of them. I defend my ex-psychiatrist all the time because I know what he did for me - but here I sit with my life in ruins, holding on to the hope that my family will sort itself out - and wondering if it is me who should be wondering if I believe the words I'm speaking. They will never sort themselves out. None of them. I just have to find some way to make something of the rest of my life and I don't know how I'm going to do that. I just know that I am going to do my best. Sorry to burden you with this but in case you wonder if I am totally gullible - perhaps I'm just having trouble letting go of believing in the people who played such a major part in my life. See you all tomorrow.

@NatureLover It’s perfectly ok to say that. The L word isn’t really in my understanding not experience, so I tend to go with respect and acceptance. I can relate to their meaning.

You are one I admire here also @NatureLover . I know you don’t say much about yourself, you don’t have to, I think we feel it somehow. 💚💚

@Historylover You are not a burden. I think trying to deal with, and let go of important people, is huge, and has layers. We figure things out at our own pace, and in our own time.

Sending you some 💕💕💕

@Owlunar @TheVorticon 💚💚