Self-love and Self-Hatred

Hi @Maggie @TheVorticon @NatureLover @Historylover

As I promised - I have tagged you all to this thread to read - but I think leave comments on the thread Maggie just opened if you so choose

bte Maggie - I see I opened quoted you in the above post - having to wait for an appointment in pain - if we get annoyed we get labeled - so true -

I hear you

Dec

@Owlunar I had forgotten about this thread. If it’s ok with you, and is a possibility, could we merge the two threads.

I have a friend coming over, so will check back later and respond properly.

Thanks @Owlunar 👍💜

Hi @Maggie

It's okay with me if we merged the two threads - I am not sure how to do that - I hope you do and if you do - can you please do the honours?

Certainly - enjoy your time with your friend - and check back later

And thanks for the support and post

Dec

I am so very sorry that you experienced abuse from both parents 😞 @Maggie

I had to learn that anger was not necessarily bad, also.

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@Maggie wrote:

I think I’m afraid of “ good”. Good gets taken away, feels unsafe and is unfamiliar.

Ah. Yes. Another huge battle. I was terrified of "good" and especially "happy", as they were not allowed as a child, and would be taken away from me. This was harder to deal with, but I think that having the last 12 years of stable housing, and being happy during this time without it being taken away from me, really helped to change this. I still have a fear of this lurking deep inside, but it hardly ever troubles me now. I really hope that this can change for you, too, @Maggie .

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@Maggie wrote:

You are in inspiration, I hope you can receive that in the spirit it is given. I can’t even think of loving myself.......yet.........but people like you, here and elsewhere, prove it is a possibility.

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Yes, I can receive it...thank you for saying that, as I am a private person and it took a bit for me to write all that. I am glad you can see hope in what I've written, that makes it worth it. Sending many healing wishes to you, @Maggie

@Owlunar 's comment, to be kind to ourselves because if we don't, who will? really resonates with me too, and is something I've come to live by. Thanks, @Owlunar 🙂 I will go and read your thread now.

Thanks so much for your thoughts on this subject @NatureLover and @Maggie

It is really hard to express ourselves on this subject especially if we are private people - and if we have had the thoughts of anything - including ourselves - being good or happy - then we would feel unsure of the possibility of having good or happy events - good or happy lives - good or happy selves

This is so sad and I really do understand - and some parents really lay it on their children - I was lucky that my father was loving and kind most of the time but very strict - like his father - my mother was an unhappy person and made sure we were too

I want to share a comment of hers - when I first burned-out with my difficult and troubled adopted son I was in a private psychiatric clinic when my mother said "Don't let them try and tell you that you had an unhappy childhood - you were a very happy little girl most of the time" - this was not the case - I often didn't know what I had done wrong when I was punished and usually hid my feelings. This is over 40 years ago and I still feel angry with her for trying to change my thoughts on myself. I was a lot stronger than her though - luckily.

Your post is inspirational NatureLover - and so are you and I am glad you can see this. It is so hard to overcome the negative side of childhood but it is still there. Those who tout childhood as the happiest time of our lives can be so wrong - we are little and helpless - we have no choices - we have to put up and shut up, be seen and not heard, we couldn't have opinions

It was a battle to overcome this - and I think on the whole my childhood was okay - I was well fed and housed - I might have hated to wear cast off clothing but my grandmother was a tailoress and altered many of the dresses that were handed down - and in my childhood the rationing of the war was still there so I really think my parents did the best with what they had.

But my mother was so wrong about the way children might or did feel. When my little daughter owned her "bad-feelings" - I honoured them but my mother told me to discount them - I did not - I allowed my daughter to express herself and she is a fine, well-balanced woman now

Thank God we are in better times when we can ask RUOK because there are still so many people in the darkness of self-doubt and poor self-esteem and so many of them have found their way here

I found my way out and I would really love to help other people find the path - and NatureLover - you seem to have done some of that being happy while still sometimes fearing it could be taken away

You really are inspirational

Dec

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@Owlunar wrote:

You really are inspirational

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@Owlunar - I just want to say, I don't feel like it's necessarily me that's done it - I feel fortunate to have had a lot of healing. I recognise how lucky I am that my meds work for me (not always the case for people), and that I've found an excellent psychologist (again, not always that common, I hear on the forums here). I may have done a lot of hard work in therapy, but I've been fortunate that my psychologist lets me set the agenda and go at my own pace, without which it wouldn't work. Also that I've had the time and space in the last 12 years to work through things - not always the case either.

And not everyone has stable housing - I realise this could change at any point, too, being in a rental. And rebuilding my whole life after my 3 year nervous breakdown - I've been fortunate there as well, finding new interests and new friends. And even my father estranging me - that was to my good as well. I'm grateful for all these things.

I have read so many heartbreaking stories and situations here since joining the forums...I so wish someone could wave a magic wand for people. There seems to be some mysterious factor involving timing or luck...I suffered terribly for the first 37 years of my life. And I recognise that good luck can change, as well.

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@Owlunar wrote:

my mother was an unhappy person and made sure we were too

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Oh gosh....this is so bad and sad 😞 And so is the fact that you often didn't know what you'd done wrong and what you were being punished for 😞

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@Owlunar wrote:

When my little daughter owned her "bad-feelings" - I honoured them but my mother told me to discount them - I did not - I allowed my daughter to express herself and she is a fine, well-balanced woman now

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This is so good to hear 🙂

I am reading through your thread now...thanks for tagging me there.

Hi @NatureLover

I am glad you are reading through the thread I started last year - so much has happened since then - last year I went away three times - this year we have had fire and flood, coronavirus and the great toilet paper shortage - among other things - and it has been so totally unexpected - you are right - luck can change anytime and it takes courage to get through it all - we need all our "inspiration" to do it

And you do inspire me - and that comes through your hard work and good luck with your therapists - I have had several - most were good but moved away for their own reasons - one had to take time off for her health and she was excellent - and two were totally unsuitable - I am giving psychotherapy a break for now - I am waiting for the lockdown to end

And you have used the last 12 years well to do things at your own pace - with assistance - and rebuilding your whole life - I have done it too - I didn't have a nervous breakdown - rather I burned out with the troubled child I chose to stick with in spite of himself. My family was a total loss over this child - and they only took him for dinner or a weekend now and again when it suited them - I was heart-broken with their attitude - they couldn't deal with him so they ostracized us both - really?

But I do know the hard work that you have done - obviously - it shows when you write - well done - and I know how hard it is. And good luck can change - I am in Government Housing and that can change too - life can feel unsure but I have thought a lot about resilience - I think if we have hard life issues set in our path and with help we learn to overcome them we become resilient. It is never pleasant but when we face another setback we have beaten the odds before and we set about doing the same again.

When my children were young and my choices were challenged I decided that the buck stopped with me - in my generation - and it did. I reconciled with my father years before he died but with my mother - I never had the chance though I saw her a few weeks before she died and she couldn't speak or hear but I saw her regrets - and it was not my choice that she should have regrets - I had refused to see her just for her to give me a hard time and that's what happened but I have never felt guilty - why should I after all?

I believe life is full of hard choices - once we have started on a course then we can continue having made just that decision and it isn't easy when it comes to estrangement. My parents have passed now as has my son and I am divorced and that was my choice too and a good one. I have been alone for over thirty years now and I have been better off with the choices I made - to stand without my parents' approval - to stand with my son and to divorce my husband - and it was so long ago now I am okay with it all -

I know it isn't an easy journey but what life is - I know my life has been a life worth living

Thanks for your comments and I wish you all the best

Dec

@Owlunar Thanks. My friend has gone home for some lunch. That was a kick start motivation this morning. It’s been a really tough week, the dishes piled up and over my sink we’re evidence, so a mad dash to the sink to wash up and make a coffee.

I will tag @Former-Member and see if it’s possible to merge these two threads.

This one and Self Blame. Self Hatred. Why does it feel safer. .

Hey @Maggie those two threads should now have been merged. Have a great weekend all

@Jupiter WOW that was quick. Thankyou. 👍👍👍👍