The Fast Turnaround, Dizzy one day, Deathly the next

Still listening here even when not saying much in reply, @MoonGal. Just gently sitting with you as you go through this hard time. Wishing your mum clear mindedness for today.

Hi @MoonGal

I really hope your mum is okay to sign the paperwork she needs to sign. I understand this whole process of what you're goiong through. We have just done the same thing with my mother in law. But unfortunately it was too late for her to sign any paperwork as her dementia quickly declined and my husband (only child) left it far too late to organise paperwork for Power of Attorney. I had told him many many times to organise it when she was okay to sign but he never did. So if you can get your mum to sign that will be fantastic.

Sending positive vibes to you and her and hope she signs the dotted line.

Take care, thinking of you. xxxooo

Hey gals - i realise there is very little to say, noa dvice, nothing really - Me and my Mum are just ...going through it.... But it does help to have you here holding my hand and a shoulder to cry on.

Actually last night I was full of RAGE - real RAGE at life and circumsntace and my abuser and life! I slept that off, so here I am.

Please do not feel you HAVE to uphold me or say anything special. Just being 'there' (here) is a beautiful act of solidarity.

Thanks @Shimmer for pitching in too.

Power of Attorney ✅
Aged care specialist consultant engaged to get mum into suitable supported accomdation. ✅
Meltdowns minimised today ✅✅ (patting self on head)
Having the day off tommorrow. ✅
Next meeting on Mum's behalf Thursday.

The OCD thinking has stopped. <phew>
The horrible mixed episode has ceased. <phew>

Just happy to have gotten through thus far. Sure there is more roller coastery but for tonight. I'm sweet and lookin forward to an early night with a good book and bowl of soy icecream.

Awesome news, @MoonGal! Enjoy your icecream, book and day off.

I am on Offs Today, YAY.

Met with the lovely Consultant who is going to (for a hefty fee) help place Mum in supported accomodation in Aged Care - helped me fill int he 31 page Assett test form. PHEW!

I came home and scanned all the relevant documents and sent to her office to attach to the form.

Hopeing fingers crossed we get a place next week.

Mum is ALOT better since I asked the doctor to take her off the anti-depressant. She was almost chirpy yesterday.

What a ride this has been, I also feel that the doubling of my medication and coming off the anto-d that was a nightmare since February ahs stabilised me in a way I have npot been stable for several years. I am a bit peeved that I have put on 5 kg since February too. As the anti-D was supposed to be one that didn;t add weight.

Anyways, I can see the light at the end of the aged Care Tunnell and it is no longer a train rushing towards me. (well today anyways)

Here I am again.

Does anyone else feel this... that thos moments of ceelbrationa nd breakthrough are just more delusion?

I am in a bad space. I am in company of my beleoved and doggit, so safe. I can;t talk about this with he though it is too distressing for her, fair enough.

A few days ago I had an amazing breakthrough, I woke up in the middle of the night fretting about bad things that were happening with the sibling over my Mum's power of attorney, I had been chucked into a state of feeling 8 years old again and powerless. I took my meds went to bed but woke up wide awake and OCD thinking at 12.45 am. I read a book and had hot chocolate and just tried to stay focussed on my novel until I felt sleepy again.

As soon as I shut the book, the OCD thinking roared back into life and I thought to myself I need a STRONG visualisation to shut these itnrusive thoughts out. So I imagined myself standing strong and true and had three very strong women standing with me to the left, the right and behind. the visualisation put a stronger me, a very together 'me' standing "At my Back" ( you know as in... gotcha back) and I felt good, then I thought why would I have a part of myself standing 'behind me" I invited her "IN" inside me and I felt this huge click connect like I had come back to myself after years of split.

So, I felt like I had come home to myself after 5 years of being 'split' or in a state of dissasociation. It was very powerful, and I was SO HAPPY that I had embraced that part of myself that seemed locked out, the sensible, calm, strong gal. And I told a few peole, OMG! I am back to myself! (I did say to friend I hope this wasn't a hypo-manic thing) and she said no you sound really, really good, Moongal.

Yeah well, within a nano-second it really was full blown hypomanic thing, and within a very sharp turnaround - from Tuesday ealy morning feeling invincible and 'whole again' I had shatterd and unravelled into irritation, frazzledness, hypersensistivity, pain and fear by Thursday, by Friday I as a sobbing ranting mess, and had a meltdown at Mum's new aged care home in front of her new doctor and the RN - because I found out the hospital (which she has now checked out of) put her back on heavy duty sleeping tablets, after me overseeing her withdrawal for 6 weeks and getting such great cognitive gains from being free and clear of that old class of sleeping tablet. I was just too strung out, stressed and tired. I CRASHED down out of my Ms Invincibility into a puddle of grief with a roaring monster leaping out of the puddle every now and then. And here I am.

I hate it, I hate this rapid cycling, I hate thinking I am "well" and that I am really getting somewhere and finding out it is just a huge delusion.

I never have 'normal' ever.

The deep sadness in me, right now, the depth of grief and self-loathing, I have spent a better part of today switching from the insight into the fact that even when I think I am travelling well I am just in an episode to what is the point? I just want to die. i am tired, frazzled have worked so hard to help my Mum. And having to face up to he person that abused me, every day in some way I have to deal with this (not face to face thank goodness) but by email and text and phone. I am melting down. Suicidal ideation then rage, then irritability so that I cannot even stand the clothes touching my skin.

I feel so f*cking useless, and I am staring down the barrell of this rapid-cycle life stuck on repeat. It is Tough Gig.

@MoonGal,

Sorry to hear about this setback. From your first line, it sounds like spells like this really undermine the celebration and breakthrough you experience, and make you wonder whether those were delusions. I wonder whether on the other side of the coin though, is there an extent to which the bad spells might be the delusion? Maybe Ms Invincibility is underneath, breaking out from time to time, and sometimes she gets clouded over?

The visualisation you described sounds really interesting, and very evocative. It sounds like you were able to tap into parts of yourself that sometimes seem elusive. It also sounds like you have some good strategies at your disposal to help you direct your course, but there are these sorts of quick turnarounds that put you back in the really negative spaces. It must make it difficult to have faith in the good times, or fully relax into them if you're bracing for the bad times to hit.

I'm glad to see you're safe at the moment, and that you have the company of your loved ones. I can understand you being wary of upsetting your partner, but If it gets any worse, you know there's support out there for you at these services: