BPD and massive shame about ruining my relationships

Hi @Sans911 thank you that was such a helpful reply. I really appreciate your supportive words and describing your experiences. I have noticed some value in the DBT techniques so I will try to be more patient. I feel that my age and life circucmstances add to the pressure I feel to "figure it out" now that I understand what's been behind my many poor choices, so that I can finally build the life I want. Thanks for the reminder to slow down...and for what you say about relationships...never an easy choice to let go but perhaps that has to be one of my first steps. It really helps to hear that you're recovering and doing better and have positive experiences with therapy.

And @outlander thank you so much for your post reply too and pointing @Sans911 this way. Wow you come across very self-aware and mature for 22! Yes the abandonment issue feels very ingrained and is definitely more tied to romantic relationships for me – but with other types of relationships (family and friends), I notice that I leave or sever ties with the person first, almost because that gives me this weird sense of control over my constant fear that they will leave my life – if that makes sense?! I know this is tied to a very unstable childhood – arriving here as refugees, my parents moved my brother and I from school to school from a very young age right through high school, they were largely absent or emotionally unavailable themselves, never putting roots down,no ties to our relatives or extended family who we left behind. So there was always this feeling like whoever we connected to (school friends, neighbourhood friends) weren't going to be around in our lives long,. I've certainly mirrored some of those sorts of choices as an adult...and only now on reflection am realising why. I feel like there's a lot of repair work to be done!

Anyway I'm rambling – I really appreciate all the responses on this thread and hearing about your experiences. I hope that other people find it helpful too. Am trying to explore other threads but not sure yet how helpful my responses will be as a newbie member!

You speak really well and are quite intelligent @Anya_77

so just jump into the forum threads. I doubt you will be rejected by anyone here, and most forum members are careful to be non judgemental, empathetic and kind.

I'm like you in that I want to figure it all out now. I am trying to be patient myself as I have got very frustrated at my slow journey. And I have attachment and abandonment issues too.

hi @Anya_77 don't be too hard on yourself, you've done your best in very difficult circumstances and with finding some helpful treatment things may look really bright for your future. I'm in my mid 40's and single and have been unemployed for 7 years due to MI and physical health problems. I was estranged from my family for 10 years and had no friends for 7 years, suffering badly from MI. It was very lonely and I had to build my social life back up from nothing, I have nice friends now but do find the relationships hard to manage.. feeling over-attached, over-offended, overly-invested, overly self-sacrificing, overly needy and so on.

I unfortunately underwent a lot of unhelpful treatments, talking therapies. No, I've never been hospitalised (though my brother was recently with psychosis and supporting him has been really tough & frustrating for me). The main symptoms of my MI are unrelenting rage and nightmarish psychotic symptoms. So I got fired by more than one therapist for my rage. I also found therapy quite traumatising, I hated being picked to pieces & going over the past in psychodynamic therapy. I went to groups because I was so lonely and wanted to make friends - anxiety & depression groups, c-ptsd group, survivor of narcissism group. I found they all aggravated my symptoms & took ages to recover from. But that's just me, I don't know anyone else who has problems with therapists and groups like I do. And I ended up finding what helped eventually, just took a lot of trial and error.

It sounds very pro-active and great that you want to try in-patient treatment. I think it's best to follow thru with your goals because you never know when you're going to find that one method or one person who is so helpful to you. And if you don't you may be stuck wondering 'what if?' until it's explored.

With boyfriends, I got mixed up with an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive chap. I was totally in love with him and would have done just about anything for him, for us, and I still miss him even though he wasn't good to me. But he dumped me & refuses any contact with me so that's the end of that. I rarely date these days as the caliber of man I can attract is awful & way below my standards, it gives me low self-esteem & a victim mentality if I go on a date with them. I have some nice male friends but I have to work quite hard at that because I find men don't validate my feelings at all and that's just about the most infuriating thing on earth for me to experience. To spend time with them I have to be in a good place & be able to make conversation that isn't about my emotional torment of the moment. But I think it's important that I try to have male friends because I don't want to become a bitter old spinster who can't relate to men.

I'm not very diciplined with alcohol, I need to use it quite regularly for anxiety and do enjoy it socially.

I think you're very brave with your employment and career, can't imagine how tough that is to maintain. I hope your week is going ok, let us know how you're travelling when you can.