BPD and massive shame about ruining my relationships

Hey there @Anya_77 thanks heaps for sharing. You've touched already on one of the most beautiful strengths of those living with BPD, high emotional intelligence, that intense ability to feel - as painful a thing as it is at times, it's such a wonderful and rare trait in a human-being.

Please know you're not alone in this issue with your relationship, inconsistent and ambivalent relationships for anyone let alone those living with a personality disorder are high stressors, I think it's okay that you start implementing some boundaries and ask yourself what you want in an intimate relationship. It sounds like you're ready to get some legitimate help, a lot of the members here have spoken highly about DBT therapy. You could check out the resources at Project Air and SPECTRUM.

hi @Anya_77 welcome to the forums

I totally relate to desperately reaching out to people for love & reassurance when intoxicated. Unfortunately I do it quite regularly. I find it very hard not to self medicate my forever-intense emotions with beer. And then I send people text messages or facebook messages, trying to sound friendly and fun rather than utterly desperate & lonely. I don't remember what I did when intoxicated and have to go thru my messages to see what damage i did. I met with a friend recently and she said I'd invited her to the comedy festival, I had no memory of it & was really embarrassed as I would never be that forward with her when sober.

It sounds like you have some really good friends who are looking out for you. That's a huge plus. I love my friends dearly & get really attached to them (as I'm sure you can relate) but often battle with having extreme reactions to the slightest slur or offense & then have uncontrollably strong impulses to burn bridges. So if you're able to maintain friendships that's really good.

I hope the DBT is helpful. I find any group work damaging & aggravating so have to stay away from it but a lot of people say DBT is helpful. I'm low functioning and unemployed but looking hard for work. I've never thought of myself as emotionally intelligent, I always think I'm overly emotional, weak & empathic only in a self-destructive way so thanks for putting a positive spin on it.

Hope we'll see more of you around the forums & you feel supported here.

As stated, thank you @Former-Member and @BryanaCamp . I feel like my relationships and the way i interact with people is life-or-death, quite literally. It's exhausting and terrifying and i dont want to use my illness as an excuse. But there's no way I'd behave this way for any other reason. The shame is a killer. Thank you so much for your posts. x

you're welcome @Anya_77

Mental illness/personality disorder is no reason to be ashamed. It is extremely hard managing a mental illness. Relationships are hard. Do you think maybe your friends have a point and it would be best to end things with your boyfriend to protect your own best interests? Is the DBT helpful, is it good at least to be with a group of like-minded people?

Thanks so much @BryanaCamp – hard to know what's best re the break-up. In some ways (most likely unheathly), maintaining the connection with him has gotten me through a difficult time. The DBT feels like emergency therapy, not something that's tackling deep issues. I'm not in a group unfortunately, I think seeing people dealing with these symptoms would be amazing and helpful. Thank you for your supportive post

@Anya_77 Hello. DBT I feel works best when you are more stable it does work in a way when you are in crisis but i find it seems to have a different effect but i am not really sure how to explain it. I think one of the most frustrating aspects about BPD for me is the fact that i feel like i am constantly feeling both my feelings and others for them. and knowing that most people dont feel as strongly as i do about things. I honestly cant imagine how it would feel to not feel if that makes sense which i guess is kind of ironic. still it makes me feel like others sometimes arent taking things seriously because they dont seem to care about the issue but they always say they do but it never seems to stop them in their tracks like it does for me. I constantly feel like i am getting dunked by a wave and everyone else is just bobbing under them. please dont feel ashamed it is not something you asked for and it isnt your fault. you are having to deal with something hugely draining and it will take time to build new habbits in your relationships. and remember it is ok to end relationships with people who arent good for you. sometimes you have to let go and that is ok.

btw sorry if this made no sense I havent slept well for weeks and am in a lot of pain so i could be talking nonsense.

Hi @BryanaCamp I've just reread your post as I was in a bit of a shambolic state last night. Thanks so much for sharing all this with me and for welcoming me to the forums. Thanks especially for your honesty – it really helps.

I have to say I'll probably be an erratic visitor on these forums...I think I'm very much still in denial about my illness but this week has been disastrous enough to serve as a warning.

Glad it's not just me who is doing the dreaded scroll-through the phone records for evidence of the forgotten interactions of the night before! It's terrifying not to remember what we say to people, especially if you're anything like me and subsconsciously controlling how you appear to others while sober – which means that when intoxicated all manner of embarrasing stuff comes out!

Yes you're right that I'm lucky to have people looking out for me but it's really scary at the same time – I live in a fairly small town and am fairly high-profile / exposed here due to the media-related work that I do. When I say high-profile I don't mean it as big-noting myself – more that I live in a gossipy place and I have a lot to lose were I to make even just one mistake in public. A lot of the people who deal with me professionally would have absolutely no idea what's going on with me behind the scenes. Also if I don't understand – or accept – my BPD behaviours fully yet, I can't really expect the friends and family around me to. I also don't want to be "the friend with the problem" – just want to be normal. Do you know what I mean?

I'm not in a DBT group yet but it's interesting to hear your perspective on it. For me, I think it would really help to meet other people with this condition and hear how they manage it.

And you do sound emotionally intelligent to me – being able to recognise / observe / label one's own behaviour to me is a huge sign of awareness. Take care of yourself and thank you again for your post

Hi @Eden1919 – I'm so sorry that I missed your reply yesterday, thanks for taking the time to tell me about your experiences. I also hope you've had some better sleep. Yes I do understand what you mean about feeling like you're being dunked by waves. I feel like I'm getting worse since starting DBT so it's interesting to hear your perspective. And I know what you're saying about ending relationships, but I find it very hard to let go even when I know I should. I know that my behaviours contributed to the split with my ex – and as you rightly say we would never choose this illness for ourselves but I do still feel a lot of shame and embarassment. I didn't realise that I had an actual problem till this most recent relationship. I wonder how many other relationships would have gone better if I'd known about BPD sooner. Now I'm frightened to start another – that feeling that whoever I connect with deeply will always leave me, it's gotten so dark it's scary. It's not obvious what's going on on the surface with this illness, inside I feel like I'm dying from the pain – but other people would just see the weird behaviour. Now I too don't know if I'm making any sense! But thanks again for your reply and understanding.

thanks for letting me know @Anya_77 you may be erratic on the forum. I feel used irl when I contribute a lot of support & don't get much back so I have to be careful that doesn't happen online even though this is only an online forum not real life.

I can't relate to your double life and I am way past denial but there may be others on the forum who can relate more. It may help to get more responses if you introduce yourself around the forum on different threads. Maybe @outlander can relate to BDP and seeking DBT or can suggest someone here who might?