BPD and massive shame about ruining my relationships

Aw, @BryanaCamp I certainly wouldn't want you to feel used and I'm sure no one else would on here. The things you wrote back to me meant a lot in terms of validation and support. I'm a little bad at getting used to the way the posts + threads work because I've never done this before. And I've been self-medicating with a lot of alcohol this week and things have reallty gone sideways so I've lost track of what I wrote on here.

The thing I find refreshing about speaking to other people with BPD on here is the honesty about what makes us feel uncomfortable, so thank you for being honest.

I'm finding that it's little things that add up to help with not feeling despair or vulnerable – like when you speak to a friend and they reaffirm that they'll speak to you tomorrow, or my therapist booking three weeks' worth of appointments in advance so that I don't have to worry that I'll never see her again. Even realising how anxious I feel when saying goodbye to anyone I care about, in case they disappear. It's definitely a learning curve to realise these triggers for what they are and discovering little ways to manage them – and that they're not reality, but part of being unwell. I'm not sure if you found this early on?

Yes, unfort I do feel like circumstances are forcing me to I'm live a double life. I have clients who depend on me to be present, sharp and creative and sometimes the only way to snap out of these intense feelings is with a slow drip-feed of vodka – not enough to be drunk, but enough to soften the edges. I also broadcast a radio show...it can be impossible to be lively and "fun" on air when feeling disassociated or dark. I'm trying really hard to swap booze for some of the DBT skills but it's only been a few weeks. When there's a deadline I'm still more likely to reach for the unhealthy stuff.

Thank you for tagging @outlander – and @outlander, thank you for taggiing me in your post. It's a Saturday, so don't feel obliged to respond right away, but would be great to hear your perspective.

@Anya_77 Its ok. Letting go is hard... for me personally though i rather let go than keep feeling on edge about where i stand with someone. it drives me insane thinking i am bothering someone who actually sceretly doesnt want to talk to me by messaging them even if it is only one message every few months. still thats just me. but even still leaving does cause a rip inside you that takes time to heal. DBT is a hard one because if it isnt done properly it can make things worse. for example if you are asked to stop doing X bad behavoiur but arent given a good replacement then it will likely not work and end up making you feel like a faliure for not being able to stop X even though you could but it was approached in the wrong way. it is a tricky process though and will take time and quite a long time at that. it is also hard when things have bult up over time becuase you werent helped eairler.

hello @Anya_77 I'm an introvert so meeting people is a bit rare, then feeling a connection is rarer still, then attaching to that special someone...adds up to being pretty vulnerable in real life. I was raised in an unstable home with emotionally abusive/negligent parents/step-parents which I believe can be partly the cause of bpd issues. so feeling used is my issue -I'm boycotting a bbq tonight because the host took my kindness a few steps way too far so I feel the friendship is pear-shaped & he used me. so it's a pattern of mine. on the plus side I seem to be maintaining some good solid friends & family now that I'm medicated well & trying hard w relationships - knowing that someone can't be my everything. Weird.

You sound extroverted & in demand - whilst I can't relate to extroversion it sounds very difficult to 'perform' socially...and I can relate to using alcohol as a social lubricant, something to soothe the nerves & help with being bubbly & attentive. Do you have anyone you can confide in about the 'real' you... a psychologist or psychiatrist? Have you found medication to be helpful? I respond very poorly to all kinds of talking therapies (including groups) which is rare but fortunately do repsond well to medication and I have a cool psychiatrist so that's my method. The downside to medication is that it is broken down in the liver so any alcohol is additional stress on the liver.. and i need my liver long term...It is very positive that you look forward to group DBT - I belive if you're a social/people-person then groups are gonna be helpful because they're social.

I have two friends irl with bpd. They are so different. One is entertaining & sardonic and cute & will have a drink with me at the pub. The other is quiet as a mouse and caring & devout & won't touch alcohol or leave her suburb for anxiousness. But they both have a lot of scaring on thier arms from sh. and both may be paralysed w MI/mood all of a sudden & cancel plans w me. and one was suddenly in psych hospital for weeks. So I guess it takes all types.

Do you have any support systems in place? hobbies, friends, family, psychologist, psychiatrist..

If Zoe7 were here she'd tell you how welcome you are to the forums and how brave you are to share your story with us. Well, I second that

Hi @BryanaCamp thanks for your sincere and descriptive post. I don't know if I am that extroverted – I spend more time on my own than I'd like, and am not comfortable in my own company. There was a time when I was, but that's long gone. I feel worse about it all like it's some kind of failure. I feel like I don't exist except when relating to other people. It also means I do get very attached, but have developed ways of hiding that from people, does that make sense? I guess from your description of your two friends, all our personality types have unique ways of coping and / or hiding.

Most of the time now, I feel such shame and underlying despair about my life circumstances – single again at 40, a series of relationships that have ended the same way, and only now finding out that some of the reasons I acted up in those was due to BPD.

I do relate so much to what you said at the start of your post: "I'm an introvert so meeting people is a bit rare, then feeling a connection is rarer still, then attaching to that special someone...adds up to being pretty vulnerable in real life." I couldn't agree more, that's such an accurate description!

Yes I do have a psychiatrist, psychologist and friends who know what's going on but I feel like the most important thing for me is to sort out what goes wrong in my initimate relationships – I very much want to build a life with someone. Failing repeatedly at this gets me very black – fixing it is becoming the most important and urgent thing to me and the DBT moves so slowly. Now, I feel like even if I met someone I'd be such an anxious handful and be very scared about trusting that person not to leave.

Also feel like it would get away to an inpatient place for a while and treat this a bit more intensively, because I'm just not managing life and my business, eg last week I lost three whole days which I have to account for to clients with whom I'm on a retainer. It's so much pressure at the moment. Have you ever done anything in-patient? Is that where you discovered groups don't work well for you?

I wish I had your discipline with alcohol. Unlike you, I find that medication (SSRIs) seem to really jolt me around and some of them have had bad effects. I take something for sleep at night and that's it at the moment.

Thank you again for your supportive post and sharing.

Hi @Eden1919 apologies for the delayed reply. Wow I really love the way you expressed this, about making the choice to let go rather than the pain of being on edge with someone uncertain. It really hit home for me, thank you. It actually made me a bit defiant that this ex-partner, no matter how sweet and beautiful he is, never once allowed me any feeling of certainty about our relationship or what our intimacy meant, not once. I can see how destructive that is if you're prone to these symptoms.

And yes, your explanation makes sense – I do feel like I'm in a limbo with the DBT, and like it's barely making a dent in years worth of pain, breakups, and bad choices. I push myself to do it at least once a day, but the ingrained easy options – spiralling, drinking, ruminating – are still winning. I figure if I can at least make one choice per day during these dark days to remember to practise one of the skills, that's better than nothing, right?

Thanks so much for your post

Hi @outlander no need to apologise, and thanks so much for your response, especially while working. "An example of this is when youve mentioned that your relationships are 'life or death'. Do you find that you have to be the person everyone expects you to be, and feel like youve got to impress them in order to maintain your friendships?"

Wow that's insightful and yes that's exactly how I feel. I often even feel like I "disappear" into the other person. I know how much pressure this must put on people and it's quite embarassing too, so I've gotten much better at hiding this, but I often feel the feeling all the same. With the life or death thing, I feel like any transgression on my part (real or imagined), is intractable, shameful, unforgiveable and people will leave me forever for it, and that's enough to cause me severe despair. Like making the intoxicated phonecalls to the ex. When I apologised the next day he said it's more important that I forgive myself, to forget about it, and to think about how I would react if he, or a friend, did it to me. I would probably think it was sloppy and sentimental, and kind of funny. Nothing like the shame I was applying to myself!

But yes, I most definitely overract, although I'm learning to spot it now though when it happens and at least question it. As for the DBT, maybe I'm just not far enough along in the modules to cover this yet. Your advice is great and I have mentioned my concerns to my psychologist but she says I need to be patient and she needs to take me through the emotion regulation skills to keep me safe first. I just feel like I'm suddenly noticing so much that's destructive in my thinking and reactions and wondering how long it's going to take to get well. I wonder if that's a normal part of the process? Did this happen for you?

Hi @Anya_77

Welcome to the forums. There seems to be a lot going on for you right now, so it's really important to slow things down, and treat this time as a really important part of your journey towards wellness and a life worth living. Recovery from BPD isn't rapid or linear, so you'll need to practice patience. Remember, it has taken all this time until now to develop habits and behaviours that are longer serving you well. That isn't your fault, it's part of your genes & part of the environment you've grown up in. Nothing to be ashamed of, but I can understand why you feel that way.

With regards to relationships, DBT looks at them in terms of what purpose are they serving for you. If they are destructive, that is, make you feel bad, don't promise a future, there are trust or connection issues, then you are better off without them.

DBT is very useful, even now when in crisis or heightened emotions. You will learn so much about yourself, what triggers you, and how to take care of your emotions. Like anything you will need to practice it.

I'm 49, I was diagnosed with BPD 3years ago. I've done DBT twice now plus a refresher. I use it most days, even if I don't realise it. I don't react so quickly to others with heightened emotions. I can take a breathe, step back and think about my response. I'm still seeing a psychologist, which I will do for quite some time yet. But I've essentially been stable for almost 14 months.

I too am high functioning and hide my illness quite well. Lately though I've been more open & honest about my mental health as why should I be ashamed of BPD? It is a very misunderstood mental illness.

All the best in your recovery, which I think you'll get there as you're quite self aware. Stay in touch