Hi to all my dear and beautiful friends @Owlunar @Sophia1 @Ali11 @Matt12 @Ant7 @Bunniekins @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Razzle @Shaz51 @Former-Member @CheerBear @MDT @Former-Member @outlander @saturnzoon @Appleblossom
and others reading this 🙂
I can't stay away, i just can't. I feel that i am not strong enough to stay away. Hope this doesn't mean that I am weak in coming back. I didn't do what i said i was going to do.
I have missed you all so much. Not coming on here to chat with you guys has made me even more anxious, really really sad and abandoned. Not abandoned by you guys but just feeling so so alone.
Part of me thinks "stuff the professionals, what do they know" and part of me sort of understands. I understand that they are saying to me to stay away from using the forum daily as it is not good for my mental health. And as for my doctor saying "just go for a walk, instead of using the forum". Well that part made me really angry. In fact the next appt i have with him i will let him know how angry he made me feel. And i might even email my psych today to let him how i am feeling. I won't be seeing him again until September so i need to get it off my chest.
I am still going to see my doctor fortnightly for now until we both feel I am able to extend the appts out a bit. But i need my physical health monitored especially my blood pressure and also my mental health. He did say though that i can call him whenever i need to.
Part of me wants to believe that they have my best interest to help me get better. But after seeing my psych i am left feeling very deflated and angry towards him. I know he is very good with his meds but i am not happy with his bedside manner in hospital or when i am at his rooms. He lacks empathy. Whereas my previous psych was so good with empathy always listening to me talk. I changed psychs because at one point this psych prescribed me a very potent med that sent me into hospital and they were shocked that i was prescribed this. It was terrible, so then my doctor wanted me to see my current one for a secondn opinion and review of meds. Part of me feels scared and acts like a child when i see my current psych. Maybe it's his lack of empathy that makes me feel like this. I don't know. I am seeing my psychologist in a few weeks and i will discuss this with her as she knows my psych.
Maybe i need to just cut back on here instead of daily. But at the moment I just can't. I don't feel i am dependent on people on here, pls if i am pls tell me. I just know that i need people to talk to, vent or just know that someone on here is listenting.
BPD is so so hard to deal with, it is hard to work out. I know i have a lot of work to do still, but i just can't delete all of you from my life. I remember my psych saying to me 'but you don't know these people on the forum". He is wrong. Even though i don't know you all in real life, to me it feels like there is a connection, we understand each other, and it doesn't matter what mental health issues we have, or physical issues we are all here to support each other.
I think the professional people don't get it. they don't get the connections we have. they don't understand what it's like to feel and be so lonely. To say to someone "just go for a walk like everyone else does" is so wrong. If i am in the middle of an emotioanl outburst or i can't regulate my emotions at the time how can i just say to myself 'ok i am going for a walk'. Not in that instant i can't, maybe a few hours later.
Anyway i just wanted to say that i just can't give up this amazing forum. To me you are all like family, we talk about so much stuff, that i feel i know so much about so many.
And also, a big big thankyou to all of you for your love support and kind beautiful words to me. I didn't realise how much i was valued being on here. It did make me cry.
i am just so thankful that i joined Sane Forum. Love to you all, hope to chat soon.
BB 
