The Fear of Dying Alone

Hey @Former-Member and @Hope4me,

I've been picking up some tension in your conversation and I can hear you are both passionate about what you are speaking about. The nature of online communication is so hard, because things can escalate quickly without the usual verbal and social cues face-to-face that might help the situation.

Please don't mind me for jumping in, but if you both need some support please don't hesitate to email us at team@saneforums.org or check out our resources around conflict and self-care.

Take care,

Tortoiseshell

Hey @Former-Member and @Hope4me

I have had some time to reflect and my behaviour and what I have said is not representative of who I am. It’s impossible to pick up body language and verbal cues here so my words will have extra impact here.

I just want to clarify for you @Hope4me that I do identify as a feminist. I believe it’s in everyone’s best interests to empower women because society improves and becomes much more safer for everyone.

I also want to point out that I am in the middle of dealing with a female friend who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am supporting her as much as I can to make sure that she has a friend she can rely on. I have gone out of my way to help her as well.

Im so sorry for bringing up some traumatic and distressing thoughts @Hope4me I can only hope that you can forgive me. My full personality is not being fully represented here and that is my fault. I am aware of the problems that women have to face on a day to day basis. I can’t even imagine what it feels like so I am truly sorry.

Please reply just just so I know you are okay.

Hey @Hope4me

I have done more thinking about what you said and I think it highlights an issue that is being neglected or not talked about enough. On the idea of positive communication between men and women on the issue of relationships, we are clearly not doing enough. Women feel unsafe after dark walking on their own and we are currently living in the 21st century. It is simply not good enough.

I think one important way to help improve this area is to ensure that young men have more support and better role models than the ones they have right now. This can be done through young men's support groups. I plan to become an advocate in this area because we need to have better role models. I have already had an influence in this area as my old place where I went to get therapy has started a young men's group which was made because of a suggestion I had put forward.

I have thought about it more and I think I know what it can promote. Positive Masculinity. That may be already a thing but if it isn't I am trademarking it haha.

What this entails is to promote a more healthy and safe form of masculinity that empowers men and helps them to be more confident around others, particularly women. It entails:

• Promoting a positive body image for men and that you don't have to have bulging biceps to be attractive.
• Calling out sexism and misoginy when you hear it.
• Encourage more men to speak out about their mental health and be more proactive about it.

More can be added but that's what I have come up with so far. This empowers men to be more supportive of women and actually making a stand that is meaningful.

I can't deny this. I have anger issues. Plain and simple. I need to do A LOT of work to remedy this and use anger productively and safely, for everyones sake. I have hurt you and I am sorry.

I do want to clarify that I am nothing like those men who have mentioned who have ulterior motives for getting into a relationship. I despise those men for the harm they bring to everyone through their selfish actions. They are scum and I have no respect for them whatsoever.

I did feel uncomfortable when you said something along the lines of being angry at women because I can't get what I want from them, or that I have no empathy for women. That makes me look like an abusive and selfish person which I am completely the OPPOSITE of that. My issue is that I am still finding my place in the world and I find relationships and friendships really confusing. They are incredibly complicated and I guess it doesn't help when some good friends of mine say they really care about me but then their actions show the complete opposite. That's where my anger is, trying to make heads or tails of relationships which don't come easy to me, not because I have an ulterior motive or that I am a selfish, narcissistic person.

I hope you are looking after yourself and that I haven't hurt you in any way. I hope you respond in due time, when you're ready.

My dear @Former-Member

I totally appreciate your honesty, openness and the apology, so thankyou. I was hoping you didn't see my post before it was removed, but alas.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your last two entries; your intelligence and maturity shines through R. I think the thought you've put into developing the young men's group is spectacular! What a great idea 👍😃

Now it's my turn to apologise...I'm really sorry for venting as I did. Although my MH has come leaps and bounds, unfortunately triggers still occur. It was really unfair to accuse you like that, it's not normally in my nature to 'react' instead of thinking first.

I dare say we've both learned a valuable lesson about 'blurting' (without thought for the person on the receiving end)

I'm busy today with the business; much has been accomplished. I must say I'm a bit frazzled.🤪 lol Even so I'm feeling positive and still :ok_hand: By the way, the field I'm in is HR; usually bullying and workplace conflict.

I'd better keep going hun. Again, thankyou for being so understanding. I know it's hard when you hit the top of the angry bell curve. I'll be sure to be more empathic next time.

You take care too;

Hope (hugz) 👵

@Former-Member - much appreciated for your intervention. 🖐

Hey @Hope4me

Thank you so much for replying and us being able to work this out. I did see the post, and while it was hard to read, there were some truths there that I needed to hear.

I guess the first thing, that is pretty obvious, is that my anger is getting out of control. I am not an angry person, I am a pretty laid back kind of guy who has a cynical sense of humour but has a lot of empathy for others. Anger is really holding me back, and pushing others away. How you intepreted my anger is probably a big wake up call for me to get it under control. Anger can be interpreted differently by others and I certainly do not want to bring up any awful memories for you just through me having an episode.

I reckon it will be hard, some triggers came up today, but I have handled it pretty well. I also have a journal that I fill out everyday that makes me reflect on what I am grateful for. What happened on Thursday and Friday is slowly coming up less and less. I used to have those kinds of episodes almost every couple of days. I used to self harm by hitting myself in the head because I thought I deserved it. I don't do that anymore which is a massive positive.

I am just saying all of this because my ability to cope and find resolve is growing. I had my first professional haircut in three years last Monday. The reason its been so long is because I hate the way I look. Mum was there with me when I got the haircut so having her for support is amazing and I really cannot express how grateful and lucky I am to have her as my mother.

Thank you for the apology. I certainly agree that we have both learnt a valuable lesson. I don't want this place to just be a place where I vent. Because sometimes you can rely on it too much.

Oh okay, I remember you saying that the field you work in is different. Honestly I would have thought that was a more resourced area actually but then again, I am not sure how much businesses really like to spend money for employees with mental health. The place that I work at doesn't give a damn at all lol

Another thing I should mention is that as part of an ASD assessment I did last year, it was told to me that something I struggle with deeply is understanding how people connect. Friendships are really complicated to me so you can imagine how complicated relationships are haha. For the record I don't have autism but I do have some elements of it. I'm not sure I understand that completely but anyway 😂

I hope your weekend has been good, and your week is shaping up to be exciting as well. Mine could be as I am trying to put into place some social things.

Hey @Hope4me

I hope you are well. I hve just hit another low and I was wondering if I could ask for advice/wisdom/guidance on something.

Hey @Hope4me

Another trigger popped up again. Exposure therapy is tomorrow and I guess I’m just a little scared.

Hey @Former-Member

I'm sorry things are up and down for you. You said you had a question for me; just wondering what it's about. It's productive to have discussions about particular issues.

I've been reading along but haven't had time to post; I'm sorry about that. I'll pop in when I can ok. Gotta go...

Talk soon;

Hope x 👵

Hey @Hope4me

Sorry for the late reply, yesterday was really busy so I needed some time to focus on that.

My problem actually kinda got solved yesterday during exposure therapy. I need to look at things with some of these things in mind:

• I have been told that I am looked up to by some as a leader.
• I have talents and skills that some people don't have the patience for (e.g. guitar).
• I have great capacity for empathy.

I have seen a few things that would have normally really upset in the past but I am holding my own at the moment.

@Hope4me

I guess the problem that I continue to have is that feeling of hopelessness. It’s still very pervasive and really gets in the way of anything meaningful. I guess that’s what I was referring to before when I needed some advice.