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A new start (kind of)

MDTSenior Contributor07 Feb 2019, 12:25 pm AEDT

A new start (kind of)

Hi @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @outlander @TAB @Sam3 @utopia @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom @oceangirl @Sans911 @Snowie @Former-Member @soul @BryanaCamp @Former-Member @Bunniekins and whoever else is there in forumland

I have tagged some of you because we are speaking lots and some others haven't been around for long. If it's too much for you then that's okay I respect that. I won't take it personally.

I have decied to start up a new thread after my psychiatrist appointment today. Off to a new start.

Simply put, he made the point that I am pressuring myself to do stuff far more quickly than what I thought I could. When this approach fails, it feeds back into the loop that was there before (the "i am not good enough", "I have limited time", "I have wasted my life" etc).

He said it was good I didn't go to hospital and avoided ending up there. This doesn't help. What does help is changing the approach etc.

It was a good appointment. I see him again in the morning and then maybe someone else next week.

So it's not entirely hopeless or lost now.

He thought that pressuring myself to go and get this visa would be the wrong decision, given my state of panic yesterday and also this morning.

He said that I need to hold off on pressuring myself. By saying "okay now that I am in Australia for a bit longer, I need to go and find a job quickly" because this is simply unhelpful. It's the wrong attitude and will only feed back into those loops.

So am I feeling more settled? Yes. Do I know what is next? No. Does this bother me? No.

I see my psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I will get something from my psychiatrist in the morning about all of this I think, which he said he can send off as part of the extension on the visa (which lasts for 2 years anyway). It's just a case of extending the timeframe for when I can receive it.

This would effect my chances of working in defence, mi6 etc but these are already off the table for me given my history anyway. The same is the case for the military and police. It does seem like some things are cancelled out because of my MH, but maybe they are things I was never keen on anyways.

That's a side issue for now.

Going to the UK - still a goal. It's a case of how I get there and WHAT I do when I get there. We have established that rocking up with no job or place to live is too chaotic. Especially based on my experience and degree background and skills. But the UK is a goal. My Psychiatrist said "Poland is always there" so I think it might be worthwhile sending them an email asking if I could be either placed on next year's list OR alternatively get some of my money back given the circumstances. Again, not my concern for now.

My concern at the moment is explaining all this to dad. My Psych spoke to my mum today too so she is in the loop. I think he will understand, he wants what is best for me. It takes some adjustment and time. But this is life and how we live it.

THanks forumites. See you a bit later today

Edit: I heard today that one of my old tutees that i helped in 2017 is working and is at uni. Doing well and studying. I joked that we should meet up for coffee and then i can get a job at the same place lol. So today has had a silver lining. This was the student who nearly quit school. But I can only take as much credit for what they achieved. Most of it was them

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In response to: A new start (kind of)

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Mar 2019, 10:49 pm AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

There is probably nothing we can say here that would decrease those feelings for you tonight @MDT I know this is an area that you have posted about before but be assured that there is nothing at all wrong with you - you just haven't met the right person yet. Some things in life can't be rushed and that perfect person for you will come along and make you feel like there is no-one else in the world when you are with them. It is one of those things that you cannot put a timeline on though buddy.

You made a connection with that girl in Warsaw and that will happen again. Don't be so hard on yourself - your time will come and it will be even more special for you when you find that right person.

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

MDTSenior Contributor01 Mar 2019, 10:57 pm AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

Idk @Zoe7
The whole 'special person' thing seems to be a fantasy these days. No offence. I know you are coming from a place of care and empathy.

This whole area is just such a problem for me. I think it's all because of school and the older religious figure I spoke to and got counsel from. It left an impression on me.

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

MDTSenior Contributor01 Mar 2019, 11:04 pm AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

It's just filled with so much baggage.

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Mar 2019, 11:06 pm AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

I think you are spending too much time comparing yourself to others too @MDT and that is not something that often has a good outcome.

I can see that history and people you have talked to about thos stuff is still having an impact upon you but the advice of one person is simply their point of view. Often these things need to be taken in the context in which they are offered and for the time and place they were offered, That time has long passed buddy and although you may have been greatly influenced by this person's words then you are your own man now and you have to follow your own views on the world. Don't let the views and attitude of one person rule your life - you have come so far and are truly becoming a very independent young man - and part of that is finding your own path in all aspects of your life - and intimacy is just one of those.

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

MDTSenior Contributor01 Mar 2019, 11:30 pm AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

This is true @Zoe7

I'm just having trouble articulating goals.

My psychologist was saying that I've achieved two things. Getting some money and doing something related to my field of study. Which is true. But it doesn't feel great. I think this is because it is casual.

So that's issue one.

Issue 2 is intimacy and I briefly raised this in my psych appointment the other day. We didn't touch on it because I wanted to talk about the work stuff.

Comparisons come to me naturally and I think this is because I want to do the same as others around me. I want to achieve. I think my issue is how I internalise what other people are doing and going through. How they get successful.

I see what you mean about being my own man now which I agree with 1000% I think the solution is to deal with these things in a session with my psych.

It's resembling a lot of what I was feeling like prior to going away to the UK without any idea on what to do.

It's hard figuring this out.

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

Zoe7Senior Contributor01 Mar 2019, 11:41 pm AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

You certainly have a lot going for you @MDT - and you know how great I think you are but that is something that many of us refuse to believe within ourselves.

Self-compassion and self-worth are often the hardest things to find when we feel like we are failing at everything ...but you are actually succeeding in so much. This casual job may just be that but it is in the area you want to enter into and the experience alone will be great.

Feeling those pressures on yourself in other areas of your life are understandable but here is what I think ...we often want things NOW and feel like we are failing if everything doesn't fall our way immediately but life just does not work like that - everything comes around in it's own time and despite so much feeling unattainable right now you have taken some major steps in your life in the last year - those achievements should be celebrated.

You also cannot compare yourself to anyone else as they are simply not you - they don't have your life or experiences and easch and every one of us is unique - embrace that uniqueness and certainly don't be so hard on yourself - you are you and that is enough

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

MDTSenior Contributor02 Mar 2019, 12:03 am AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

Thanks @Zoe7

I told my friend how everything has basically fallen to bits and he was good enough to listen.

He's a friend I've helped on many occasions.

Anyway. That's enough for today.

I'll catch you later

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

Zoe7Senior Contributor02 Mar 2019, 12:06 am AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

It is good you have had that friend there to listen @MDT

Goodnight buddy - hope you sleep well. Catch you tomorrow

In response to: A new start (kind of)

eudemonismSenior Contributor02 Mar 2019, 10:40 am AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

I'm slowly changing @Sam3 not sure if it's for better or worse though. Today's animosity toward the mental health system is based around the torment they've continually put me through and their sadistic approach to all the patients.

In response to: Re: A new start (kind of)

MDTSenior Contributor02 Mar 2019, 11:36 am AEDT

Re: A new start (kind of)

Hey @Zoe7
Been to gym for light exercise this morning. Listened to a podcast. Feel a bit better about myself by remembering all the progress I've made in different areas of my life.

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