Experiences of Grief

Hi @Owlunar thankyou very much for sharing your story. I knew parts of it but not all. It sounds like you've had a triple whammy of grief sources and I feel for you. I can't imagine that the grief of a lost child ever truly stops coming up at times. It still does for me after 23 years. How strong you must be to have stayed dedicated to him through all the trials and tribulations. Someone once told me that when we lose a child it's two sources of grief - loss of the child we had plus loss of the future that could have been. And added to that you had the loss of your family.

Hoping you feel ok-ish after having written it all here. Will be thinking of you and sending strength today. Be kind to yourself. Are you going to take another trip this year around that time? I think you've done that the last couple of years (might be wrong) and it seemed to help you get through. Lots of love xx

Thanks @eth

I will be okay but I will read the other posts over the weekend or early next week - not today - let's not climb the mountain all in one day

You know sustained grief - 23 years is a long time too - and you are right - we do lose part of our future when a child dies - and possible grandchildren as well - so it is complex. We expect our parents to die - and the other elders in our families and circles - but not children - and yet not long ago - during the C19th - many children died - which is why people had large families -

I am planning another trip when the weather cools down - I feel as if I need to go to a place I already know and chill-out for a few days - my life has had ups-n-downsies over the last few months - and the last therapist I had was a bad-fairy I think - long story - I believe we are the person in charge of our therapy and there are things in my past I do not feel the need to hash over again - let's deal with the most important issue and it will work out better

My son died in the middle of winter - I went interstate a couple of winters ago - the weather was beautiful - I did okay until the anniversary which was the day I was flying home - and I cried on Life - LIne twice before I could get myself out of the hotel room to get to the airport - but then saw a glorious sunset from the plane

So the last two years I went away later - my old cat died a few weeks ago and I didn't like leaving her and would have like to have travelled more or for longer but I loved the cat too much to put her in a cattery and my daughter would check on the cat everyday - but she (the cat) was not well after my last trip and had to be helped over the Rainbow Bridge.

The loss of a pet of 15 years was tough too - but we had 15 great years together and that is not something everyone has - I treasure my memories - and my dreams - that cat has a way of getting into them and this is a good thing

Thanks Eth

Dec

There's so much tragedy, pain and loss within these pages @Owlunar @eth @Razzle @CheerBear @Bunniekins @Shaz51

Reading through each post I found myself feeling blessed to have not dealt with such situations. I've of course had my moments where grief hits with intensity, but seeing your histories, it's humbling and very sobering.

There've been three losses of magnitude in my life; the death of my maternal grandmother when I was 15, (the woman who I considered 'mother') learning that I wasn't at fault for being raped (a lost life that could've been) and dealing with the aftermath of my son's sexual abuse at 2 yrs old. Something in him (and me) went away and never came back...

I applaud all of you! Your strength, courage and conviction; exemplorary people who've not only suffered personal trauma, but witnessed things that challenged the very core of who you are as humans trying to survive while helping others do the same.

My heartfelt thoughts go out to you...may you be blessed with some semblance of peace at times when you need it most.

With kindness and warmth;

Hope xoxo

Hi @Hope4me thank you too for your sharing, your understanding and your empathy. You've been through some really rough times too.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, went bush for the night on Saturday and got back late yesterday.

@Owlunar @Shaz51 @Razzle @CheerBear @Zoe7 @Exoplanet @Bunniekins

Good morning.

Sending out hope that the sharing here has been helpful, knowing we're not alone sometimes makes it just a tad easier.

Thanks again everyone.

Have spent this morning working on my piece about grief that I wanted to write. Feeling grateful for everyone's sharing here and hoping you're all travelling ok today. I will post it here later today. I found I needed to pick just one of many grief-triggering events in my life, it's such a huge topic for so many people, too big for me to write about it in general yet, tho I might in the future.

Take care everyone. @Hope4me @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Razzle @CheerBear @Exoplanet @Zoe7 @Bunniekins

Look forward to reading your writing @eth

Grief

I know you well yet still you catch me unawares

You swell from my belly

Hurt my heart

Through my throat

Into my eyes

You whelm me

Engulf me

I forget to breathe

Down and deeper down I tumble

I remove myself from company

Withdraw

Sit with you

Find my breath

I remember his tiny toes

His ski-jump nose

All the what ifs surface yet again

The life he could have had

We would have had with him

His birthday comes

I think I'm prepared but no

It's Australia Day again

Celebrations in the streets

I boycott the world

"Aren't you over that yet?" I am asked

Some things change us forever

___________________________

@CheerBear @Razzle @Zoe7 @Hope4me @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Exoplanet @Bunniekins

Not sure about a title yet. And still a work in progress. I keep thinking of bits I could add, bits I could leave out.

_______________________________

Had a difficult night tonight as sil's bro raved on about Maori culture at dinner - he doesn't know about my Maori partner ex who did DV on me, and yet I've grieved over him since. Talked about it earlier in this thread. The disenfranchised grief @CheerBear referred to. I managed not to bring it up. I am at a stage in my recovery journey where I want to stop talking about all the traumatic events whenever I'm reminded other than with my psychologist or here on the forums. Thanks for being here and sharing everyone. It really means a lot to me.

You know what @eth? I think your words are gold!

I love the rhythm of those short lines especially. The impact is deliberate; depicting the rawness of dealing with grief; struggling to find the words...

I hope writing it was cathartic and healing...

Hope xo

It is a beautiful poem. @eth

@Razzle Your story is very sad. Mourning your son. Trying to care for your husband and stifling your own feelings. Sometimes we need to do that for all sorts of reasons but in the end the grief will break out regardless.

You also touched on the LOSS of community when people are horrified and not able to cope with grief. I had to deal with that a lot in my life, caught up in families that were limited and immature and unable to stay together throughout it all.

I do not want to open my grief story up at the moment. A lot of you know most of it and it is sprinkled here and there over the forum.

I do believe in the importance of griefwork.

@eth Hi eth your words made me feel so sad :(. It is hard to express how sad it has made me feel. I will tell you something (nothing as bad as yours) but I lost twins at 13 weeks. I was devasted but put my feelings in a box which I did not open again until now decades later .... some things you never get over but deal with in your own way.. xxx