How did you tell your loved ones?

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sure other members will jump in soon, but I wanted to share another discussion which is similar to your question.

This post was created a few weeks ago about a member how she was telling her family and friends.

I hope it's helpful!

I think most of us go through having to tell the people we care about sooner or later! I'm looking forward to hearing what others have to say.

Take care

Nik

I so hear you about not wanting to put on a fake face.

It seems a real art to work out how much to say ... so I experimented with ... not bad ... so so .. delicato ... the good and the bad ... etc ..

I didnt tell .. for us it was often a police or ambo knock at the door .. actually that was the way it has been for 3 of my family members. I told my son .. that I had been having difficulty and called the CAT team on me a few years after they came .. he wasnt ready to hear it.

My fake face is a terrible grimace ... but I can be cheerful through a lot of adversity as well .. find ways to tell it as it is ... your story ... your way.

Great question and totally understand your concern @Former-Member

This incident tightened up our processes for things like this. Basically SANE Australia has a Facebook page. We do promote the forums on facebook. In this instance the forum member wasn't notified and that was a mistake on our behalf.

Our process is that if it's a personal experience that the member has started a discussion about we won't use it. If we see it as a quite inspiring story, we will email the member and ask for permission.

The times we don't ask for permission are:

1) If it's a broad general thread (An example is a thread called '9 things not to say to someone with a mental illness', where we asked people to share the most ridiculous things people had said / asked about their mental illness

2) if it's a Forum event. Examples include the Ask Anything Monday thread and Topic Tuesday

Hope this helps alleviates your concerns.

Nik

For me one of the helpful aspects of having a diagnosis was that it helped me to explain some of the behaviours that had been difficult in our family context, and that no matter how hard I tried I seemed not to be able to be on top of them.

I had already told my wife months earlier one on one; so one night after dinner I had a "family meeting" around the dinner table where I told the kids about my diagnosis, what it means, what sort of symptoms I experience, how it has affected by life to date so far, and what I'm trying to do about it. They seemed fine about it, took it all at in and didn't have many questions. They were ranging from 12 - 18 at the time.

I'm very judicious about who else I tell - it's a very small circle indeed, largely because I fear the potential consequences for my career if it becomes more widely known. This shouldn't be the case, but that's still the reality for now. I guess my condition has been such a steady part of my life for ~35 years prior to diagnosis I was already well practised at keeping up the masks and acting out a normal exterior. That's not unusual in dysthymia though - although it's usually near life-long for many or at least extremely chronic, it's also less severe than other forms of depression in the sense that we can usually still carry on, even though we might feel like we're dying on the inside sometimes. The steady, unchanging quality of it in some ways helps us to incorporate it into ourselves... which conversely makes it extremely difficult to treat.

I think telling your family is unavoidable, but how and when - that's the kicker. If there are still family members you haven't told yet, maybe think about whether it would be easier one-on-one or in a group situation, and if the latter, how you could engineer a family gathering. If at the last minute you just can't do it then nobody needs to be any the wiser - it was just a family get-together. Maybe then, think about how far beyond the family circle you feel you need to go with the information as the next step; that might help you think about who and how you need to tell next.

I understand what you are saying about how much you feel you've changed and that you feel you have to explain it to others. But really at the end of the day, there's no obligation to anyone else. They can and will think whatever they want regardless of anything you do or say. This is your decision alone, and maybe thinking about it in terms of what's going to be most helpful for you rather than trying to fulfil obligations to anyone else could be a useful angle.

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@Flower wrote:
What if it backfires?
I opened up to my partner a little more because the last few days have been really tough and I thought it may be good for him to know. I feel like his love has gone, I can feel he is angry, I can feel he is concerned. He has said some hurtful things.
He was the one that kept me going. He was my solid rock in the ocean. I think I have to dig deeper.

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Hi @Former-Member

I think your partner might feel frustrated because he does not know what to do. Maybe if you tell him what you wold like him to do as a supportive partner? I think men like to be able to 'fix' things and when they can't do this, they feel like they have failed.

Women tend to just like being able to talk things over and feel understood - they are not so focused on "fixing" things. We get our wires crossed when we assume that men think the same as women and that they, too, just want to be understood and like talking things over for the sake of sharing.

Give a man practical things to do and tell him how much he is helping you by doing them. Things like driving you to an appointment or making the dinner while you rest. I find that is the best strategy. Others here might have some good advice too.

As far as telling loved ones about your illness, for me it kind of happened organically. I am a very private person and I don't usually tell people very much at all. But somehow, it came as a huge relief when I did tell my family and friends about my depression.

The turning point came for me when I was finally referred to a psychiatrist, after a few false starts with medications that did not work and a G.P. that was pretty hopeless (although very kind-hearted).

I was frightened about seeing the psychiatrist, as in my mind, it confirmed that I was really ill and the illness wasn't something that would just go away by itself.

I rang my parents and told them and they didn't say much at all. Honestly, I can't really remember what they said.... I probably did all the talking. Maybe they were just bewildered? But I felt very relieved to have told them!

To this day, I have the impression that my parents thought that I exaggerated the seriousness of my illness and that I was only being dramatic. Anyway, we didn't really ever talk about it unless I brought it up. They just didn't know what to say, I think.

My partner at the time (who was an immature and selfish man) berated me mildly for telling my parents. He said "Why are you upsetting them with all this? You shouldn't treat your parents this way - telling them things that will only worry them." Go figure. Never-the-less, I did not for one moment regret telling my parents.

My partner was not supportive and refused to believe I was depressed and thought that the doctors were wrong in their diagnosis. He said "They are only telling you that you are depressed so as you will keep coming back to them and they can make more money from you." End of story!

From that day on I knew I had to fight my depression by myself and that the people closest to me were never going to be of any help to me. I knew I would leave my partner as soon as I was well enough and I did. I do not regret telling him about my depression as his reaction to the news gave me an insight into what he was really like.... even though I already had a very good idea. I only wish I had left him sooner!!

I told two of my best friends what I was going through.... I told them quite matter-of-factly over the phone when I next spoke to them. One of them lived a thousand miles away and couldn't do much for me anyway, but she did listen and she did believe me. The other friend was in the middle of an abusive marriage that was breaking down and even though she showed some concern, I don't think she had the energy to deal with it. Although, she certainly never treated me differently, or anything like that. She was a good friend.

My sister was my best support, although it was obvious to me that she struggled to understand the nature of depression and it's effects on me. She kept saying " You seem normal to me." I was also very depressed as a child for a period, but when I reminded her of this, she couldn't recall it.

My sister advised me to keep seeing the psychiatrist and keep taking the meds, as this seemed like a good course of action to her. She did not treat me any differently, either, and made an effort to invite me out more often. Still, she worked full-time and had two young kids back then, so she really didn't have a lot of free time.

@Former-Member, you have to do what is right for you! I always think it is a good idea to tell those nearest and dearest to to you, as if the tables were turned, you would want to know what was going on with them. That's how I think of it.