Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hi Shaz, it's been a long time since I have felt the need to be here but here I am again. Christmas was a nice day with my son and our new grand daughter now 4 months old. Born mid lockdown and unable to visit. My husband didn't have children but is finding his feet as we become Nan and Pa. Lilah has been a shining light after the traumas of last year.
We have been through all sorts of hell since last Oct. my mother who has been living with us as co owner of our house deteriorated at the end of lockdown and needed more care than we could provide. She moved into respite care at a top quality facility up the rd 5 mins away and was settling in when my brother who hasn't seen her for 4 yrs in Qld decided that wasn't good enough and took her out of care but would not let her live with him and his awful wife unless it was in a shipping container in out back Oakley........not that she could cross the border anyway. Long story short she moved into a caravan in Dromana age 86 with Parkinson's and another brother begrudgingly is now helping her but being nasty to us because he doesn't want her. She turned full blown covert narsacist on us. Triggered hubby and I nearly had a breakdown due to the stress and anxiety. Shock. I am seeing a counsellor regularly but WOW the Covid crisis really did a number on us and this latest 5 day in Vic was unpleasant due to the expectations of it becoming longer.

Here we are end of feb and we hopefully will finally settle our property as we were able to buy her out and walk away. The hurt has been dreadful. We can see the end in sight hopefully hubby can start thinking about getting re medicated but that conversation has had to wait. Its all about timing with the Paranoid crisis and we have been having way too many of those.

hope everyone has faired the Covid crisis and wishing all good mental health as the year progresses. Sunshine and hugs.

Part of the issue I now have is that my children have God parents from amongst my in-law family, and my grandchild will need to be baptised with all the extended family from four different sides of his family present. If my Soon2bx re-marries, even through a civil rather than church ceremony, it still brings his gf into the centre of our family amd makes her a grandmother to my grandchild, and potentially just as involved with everything that is currently my joy.

My God-children are also within that wider family grouping, and our financial legal issues will impact on them as a result of what my Soon2bx has done ......

Am I sorry now about staying for the long haul ?! Not at all. I did so with all my heart and integrity, and can stand here knowing that I gave it my all .... my very best shot.

Will I be able to stand in the face of whatever else vindictive outcomes might be poured all over me as a result ? I am not in control of any of those ..... I stand in my faith and hope, and pray that truth, integrity, justice and love will win out in the long term.

@Zoe7

I have absolutely no doubt that in the face of all this you will always be the 'winner' Hon as you do have so much integrity, truth and love - none of which He possesses. It makes moving forward so much harder when in amongst it all his infidelity and betrayal will constantly be present @Faith-and-Hope but you also have the knowledge that you are so much better than them both and have consistently and constantly proved that along this horrible road. Having those constant reminders in your life will not be easy - no-one would ever presum they would be but you can always hold your head high and know you have stayed true to yourself, your beliefs and your values - and shown so much grace throughout ...that will not go unnoticed by those that matter and they are the ones that are your true friends, fmily and supports.

❤️ @Zoe7

SJT63, You have nearly every word described my hubby. Sometimes his boredom is behind every single thing I do or don't do. All wrong of course. All unspoken. Unmedicated justified by nonsense and paranoid delusions of grandeur. My hubby has diabetes as well and is impotent but I am shamed for not wanting to head to the bedroom with him every minute of the manic day as well. I'm getting way too old for this crap. Add in FB addiction and social phobia in public and there's not much room left for ourselves. I love your graphs they make sense to my logical mind. I don't know where you get the energy. Does he know about them? Or like me do you have to hide the reality everyday. I'm exhausted and at the final hope stage of waiting till his GP returns from holidays end of April and will somehow someway privately speak with him as hubby won't. Just how in Gods name do you get them back on meds??? And stable. So much is about getting their own way or point of view across like a spoilt teen. The intensity of my husbands angry face is often way too much for anyone in public. I think we are allowed a few poor me health moments. Its been a rough ride. Big hugs and wishing you success with your business. No wonder we are all exhausted. Holding everything together is extremely tiresome these days.

I feel for you. I have been in a similar situation many times. Yes you did do the right thing. Good on you. It's so very hard to do at the time.
My husband has paranoid delusions that build up over a few months then out of the blue it all comes out like a raging bull. It's all lies and complete fantasy and sometimes justification for things he has done wrong and as an excuse accuses me of imaginary things. Sometimes it's like having to wait till the eye of the rage storm passes. I know it's hard but I have learnt not to verbally fight back.I calmly reply and tell him none of what he is thinking is truth it's all paranoid delusions. It's really hard to do......but there's no use fighting with an angry person. It just fuels the anger. It's EXHAUSTING. I NEARLY walked away over Christmas myself. No friends no family isolation and his verbal abuse and superiority over not taking his meds it was a miserable time for us as well.
I just really wanted to let you know you are not alone. One day at a time one hour if need be. Sending some strength to you and support. Best wishes.

Hi, SJT63

i received your post today concerning the Pavlovian response and the P not reaching the V and lack of E......Agree totally. I'm being a bit criptic because I'm not sure if they will allow it to be moderated. I gave up with his demands last week and threw the whole private bedroom stuff back AT HIM..... coming to terms with HIS Impotency himself is now a subject for him and his Phsych or GP. I'm DONE...... TOO OLD AND TOO OVERWHELMED menopausal. He is 68 with uncontrolled diabetes not MI just his age and lifelong neglect. I don't know why men can't see for themselves why it's not standing up to attention no matter how long they try. Ain't gonna happen subshine. Give up.
Its a part of life nobody wants to talk about in the area of MI but it's a huge part of the problems and can be scary at times. Thankyou for your honesty and support. I appreciate it.

@Carlachris - glad you saw the post, it wasn't up for very long before it got moderated, but more because I mentioned other things that could be triggering more than talking about our love life.

My late husband was quite ill with other things for some time and we enjoyed a great love life without the traditional. This one, because he is on the spectrum, can't understand that relationships change so his expectations of us both are that of a younger person in a new relationship. Oh well.

@Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Anastasia @HenryX you guys might also be interested to hear about a "conversation" we had last night, particularly in the light of most things going reasonably smoothly right now, and we have both agreed several times that we need to change the way we respond to each other at times, and that we are both trying our best... well...

things headed south again last evening because I was trying to anticipate his wants and needs and not quite getting it right which elicted the usual flouncing and sulking and mutterings about how he's always in trouble (which is rubbish) and how difficult I am to live with... and I asked "why didn't you just tell me what you wanted?" and he replied "why don't you ever tell me what you want?'

and I just said it out loud without thinking.... "because I am afraid of you".

stunned silence

"I have seen you come very close and I truly believe that if I cross you, you will hit me".

And now he has but an inkling of how I keep all my opinions to myself, do things I don't want to do, miss out on things I like, put his wants ahead of my own all the time because I am afraid of what will happen if I dont.

We have both agreed that I will do the experiment.

You know how I always say "from now on...." and then I slip back into my old, placating ways and engage the trauma response every time he opens his mouth?... well now we both know that I'm going to try to be myself again... I've told him he may not like it, but in a moment of lucidity that is what he says he wants too.

Somehow the focus always comes back to them. The demands the challenges the WORK WE put in to keep the peace and I find my hubby just coasts sometimes not bothering to help himself. In fact the opposite he has a social phobia and actively encourages anger in people. I understand it as fear but don't understand the asking for trouble in public with me of course being the one left to deal with the fallout.
My hubby is Aspergers as well extremely high intelligence but some days just can't function because of distractions that turn into paranoid delusions. more and more I am needing timeout. More and more his reliance on me is becoming total. He can't be bothered doing the work his psych tells him to do. Not a good time to race to the bedroom anytime these days. My hubby is chronically bored and has been for years. He is a writer but won't write, he is an editor but won't work, he holds several university degrees but won't DO ANYTHING. Except his Facebook addiction. He has been banned several times and I wish they would ban him for life it's just another excuse to not face real life and move forward instead of backwards or stay in the massive rut he is in. I can't drag him out anymore. The old saying you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves comes to mind. Sulking, muttering and moody blame games to drag us into their crap once seen need tight boundaries.
Telling yours you are afraid of him is huge. I have been there and it's a big shift but one that has to take place. I know myself I take on too much and lines need to be drawn. I know how hard that was for you but hopefully yours today is working through what those words mean. Hopefully it leads to finding yourself again. I am desperately trying the same. I started watercolour painting again yesterday which I love. I turned around after about an hour and found hubby quietly reading a book. He hasn't read a book in years. Faceing the outside world can wait for now. If only for a few days of peace. Hugs and support to you and yours.

@Carlachris @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Anastasia @WinstonOBoogie

Partners who stay for the long haul. Surely here I will find support?

I'm getting heartily sick and tired of people telling me that the answer is to leave. I am getting heartily sick and tired of a society that constantly bombards us with the idea that we should put "self" at the centre of all things. Most of all I am exhausted by EVERYONE constantly demanding I justify why I stay.

Most are aware I think that I "gave" Mr S my pshychologist because I felt he would get on with her and she was willing to bulk bill him. A few weeks ago she referred me to a trusted colleague to help me and I finally saw this new one on Friday.

I told her a bit about my situation, I believe my previous P had briefed her a bit too, and explained that I needed some better coping strategies. I needed to learn not to take on board the hurtful things he says (because deep down I know he doesn't mean them) and to stand up for myself a little more effectively with him. Specifically how to deal with standing up to someone with such complex mental health issues because under normal circumstances I am quite forthright but its going to take more finesse to convey my feelings and requests to Mr S.

In a nutshell she told me that if I wasn't prepared to leave him she couldn't help. That if I was asking her to help me turn myself into some sort of robot that didn't feel, she would not. I came away, once again, feeling that it's all my fault for staying in the first place... but FFS someone has to care for him. People with MI have just as much right to be in a loving relationship as anyone else, don't they?

I cannot make anyone, even this Dr Whatsername, understand that I have made a commitment, not just to Mr S but to his sons and to his parents. I can't just "change my mind" because I'm unhappy.

I have enjoyed a few weeks of a little less bullying since I told how afraid I am sometimes, but he's been growing more manic each day for the past week and by the weekend we were back to full blown rages.

So listen up, everyone, please...... I CANNOT LEAVE HIM. That would destroy him. I know he's not going to change, I'm not an idiot... .... and on Sunday I did get away with refusing to do something (if not illegal then immoral) that he wanted me to do to someone. Of course I was told I was putting our relationship in jeapardy by refusing to "do as I'm told" but I didnt' do it.

By the time I'd dealt with that from 4am to 7am and then drove him 3 hours down to see his mother, provided their lunch, and the drove 3.5 hours (more traffic) back home again he was calm. Greatful for my efforts and telling me we were ok again. By lunchtime today I am ok again too.

I'm just angry and frustrated that everyone's solution to this if for me to bail out. Surely there is a way to find a positive outcome for everyone? Surely I can desensitise without losing my entire personality?