Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

One of the best pieces of advice that has been shared with me, here on the forums and in various counselling sessions is that I am only responsiblenfornmy actions / reactions not those around me. One of my biggest hangups is feeling responsible when things fall apart around me... Sometimes causing me to respond less than positively or just falling in a heap and not being able to function. Along the lines of what you were saying @Former-Member about holding ourselves hostage to the situation?

That's how I apply it to my situation anyway.

Same @Determined ^^^^

@Former-Member, I love that your husband shows you love and respect ..... I celebrate it, and very much admire your outlook to live well despite the diagnosis. I am endeavouring for us to live well while awaiting a diagnosis-moment-breakthrough, and you inspire me in hoping for that, and the recovery period beyond, which won’t be any kind of perfect either ......

For quite some time, even though Mr Darcy had been stable, I was reluctant to go out and do things I had enjoyed on my own doing before psychosis /attempt @Determined @Faith-and-Hope . Nobody else was holding me back, only the fear I had. That is how I felt I was being held hostage by my self.

@Former-Member, I was held hostage by my distress at having to let go of my former life to help my kids move forward ..... going into marriage counselling was only going to make things worse for our marriage while it revealed enough of the underlying problem to give my kids’

doctors a better insight into what they were trying to treat ..... but my former life couldn’t possibly co-exist with my new reality, and I had to face the realisation that there was not going to be a rescue in time to prevent it from slipping away. Disengaging was my only way forward, and I didn’t want it ..... I had to adjust my want, and start picking up pieces to fit together into something new, railing against it in the inside ..... until my health started to slide around too.

That was my biggest reality check ...... let go of something I treasured, or lose everything I treasured.

I had to trust there will be new treasures ..... and there are.

I am still terribly sad, but Indint want my sadness to define my future. You didn’t want your fears to define yours.

You are a brave and loving woman ❣️

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@Former-Member wrote:

Mr Darcy does not say much either @Gusday, I learned not to rely on him for conversation.

In some ways I felt I was a victim of his illness until it dawned on me that I was the one holding myself hostage to it. Once I became aware of this and realised that I was not helpless, I learned what supportive behaviour entailed and began to practice this along with self care, which was very hard as it involved getting over my fear of leaving Mr D on his own (he had attempted). I was able to take my life back in time variable increments. Looking after our own mental health is important, as carers statistically we are at risk of developing depression ourselves, I find the help of a counselor helps keep me on track on that front.

When hurtful things are said, it is hard not to take them personally and separating the illness is difficult, less so now that I am more aware. Can I please also say some well meaning people suggested marriage counselling but when he was acutely unwell it was not the time for this. He was not in a place to actively participate in contributing positively to any relationship let alone ours. What was necessary for us as a couple was that I got some psych education and that helped enormously as I was able to tell the pdoc about things that we didn't realise were in fact symptoms and this helped them with their diagnosis and treatment was adjusted accordingly leading to stability. He still has anxiety issues but is coping so much better over all; for us couples counselling became unnecessary.

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@Former-Member I can’t tell you how much this resonates for me - hearing you share this explanation above is like hearing my own story being read back to me - I feel so incredibly validated as I too had that moment of revelation that I was not a victim of Ms S illness and that I was responsible to educate myself re the carer/partner role and how to care for myself too! Something I work on daily and will probably always be a challenge ... i have definitely been depressed at several points in our partnership and sought professional psychiatrist and psychologist support for myself ... difficult to do but essential to survive and also how hypocritical of me to expect MsS to keep her condition professionally supported if I won’t do the same when I need to ... in fact last May was a real trough for me with a depression that frightened me and I eventually saw my pdoc and had 2 weeks off to adjust to starting a small dose of antidepressant - which I’m still on and it really helps me cope - I’m anticipating winter as I can find the winter blues a little challenging - but compared to this time last year my self care is much better and my supports for me are in place and solid - I’m hopeful this will be a much easier winter than last year .. ok babbling now - thx again x

wow @Sophie1 , @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope , @Determined , @Gusday

I can really relate to all that you have said , and have gone through so many of those feelings

my head is soo agreeing to soo much you are all saying

at times mr shaz says I need some anti depressants

Looking after our own mental health is important, as carers statistically we are at risk of developing depression ourselves,---- also carer`s burnout ect @Former-Member

@Former-Member, @Sophie1 , @Faith-and-Hope , @Determined , @Gusday , @Ali11

@Shaz51 😀😀😀

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven't been on the forum for a while. I think I need to remind myself that there's a forum of people who actually understand what happens in my life as a carer. 🙂

I do have a question though. Not sure if this is the right place to ask.

Does anyone know of professionals or services that provide conselling to my child (a teenager) who's father is living with bipolar?

I'm looking for someone compassionate but experienced in mental health to guide and make sense of a lot of confusing experiences for the child.

Hello @bearNecessities

Forum rule prevent mentioning specific services but there are a lot of "depends on" when answering the question. Are you living with the father as a family unit? Is teen a carer for father etc. What are you hoping to achieve from the counseling?

If the father is treatment compliant, his treating team might be a good starting point and could explain about the illness and with her father's permission, may answer questions pertinent to his specific situation. If teen is in some quasi caring role, Carers Australia do have support through the young carers helpline. The carer gateway gives this information.

https://www.carergateway.gov.au/support-for-young-carers

Some psychologists offer adolescent counseling and you can do a search via their website, some bulk bill with an appropriate mental health plan.

https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist

Some places offer family psych education which can be helpful and is shown to help prevent relapse. Attending this with you teen could be helpful to give them support and might prove beneficial in your own relationship to this man.