Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

“Contracts” can help @starflame, but you often need a third party, like a counsellor, to assist, because they are not in a relationship with your son, so the dynamics are different.

Basically it means entering into a negotiation, where to stay living under your roof he has to agree to respecting the house rules. These are written out, and consequences for not respecting them are decided on and agreed to by all parties, which means it is discussed, and he gets to say what he thinks is unfair or unreasonable about them, and so do you. The third party is there to help keep things happening politely, using “I” statements and so on, to get the discussion to happen a little formally, but properly.

When an an agreement is reached, everyone signs it, and agrees to review how it’s going, in say 2-3 months time.

The objective is to make your son accountable for his behaviour, and to respect what he is being offered in the home you are providing.

Sometimes this works really well. Relationships Australia might be able to provide free counselling to help this happen.

I hope this is useful for you.

Thankyou @Former-Member . The forums are already helping me to see that there are so many others going through the same things. It really helps knowing that you’re not the only one. I’m surprised that there are not more physical support groups for both carers and for sufferers. I’ve been looking for one for my husband to attend but there seems to only be one in our area and it’s during the day on weekdays.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope however I my son is refusing to attend any form of counselling. It was my first go to suggestion. My heart is broken and I am starting to have my own psychiatric crisis about it.

The contract related to a financial arrangement, I am at the end of hope of this

Oh @starflame , that’s really hard. Do you have a support counsellor for you ?

I have a team of doctors and a psychologist for me.

It is breaking my heart @Faith-and-Hope because my younger son has engaged in all the suppport offered to him, counselling, psychology and as a result we don't need to have contracts because we have an open an honest dialogue.

Obviously my eldest son is acting from a position of trauma, my children saw me nearly die multple times due to my cardiac condition. However he is now old enough, has a good job and a car and really has to now take responsility of the issues he is causing.

It feels as though he is angry at me, angry that I am sick, that he was the one that had to spend a year ringing ambulances for me.

He has every right to be angry, my ex husband just walked out and abandoned us because he didn't want a sick wife anymore, none of my family from overseas came over to look after me during the period of time when I needed a high level of care.

No one helped us, even though I asked over and over and by the time I got someone to listen my son had shut off the avenue of counselling. I feel his anger is at the wrong person though and that is ok, I love him so much I just can't enable abusive behaviour in my home.

It’s very hard @starflame, but boundaries are necessary, and sometimes the anger comes from not finding boundaries where you expect them to be ..... so there is security and integrity in providing boundaries. I am glad you are receiving support in the process of applying them, but perhaps you can take comfort that boundaries can contribute to his own healing.

This is is the hardest time, when it feels like things are falling apart, and it’s so painful ...... but keep walking the parental path that you know / feel is right, and keep reaching out in love in the ways you can ongoing, and trust that he will come good.

@Faith-and-Hope thank you so much for your kind words. I know absolutely in my heart that he will come good. I just feel that as his Mum, as the only parent he has allowed into his life it my responsibility to steer him in the direction of healthy coping strategies.

It would be remiss of me to watch him go down the path of using alcohol as a coping mechanism and all the stuff that goes with that lifestyle.

It truely breaks my heart to know that the trauma my children experience is because they saw me nearly die multple times however I did not choose to have cardiac arrest, I cannot carry that guilt because it is not something I had control over.

At this stage I feel that if my son leaves the house it is becuase he is making a passive decision not to adhere to fair and loving living arrangements. I have had my younger son come to me and validate the situation and explain how it is impacting him and that he supports the decision to set this boundary.

I hope he makes an active decision instead of a passive one requireing me to take an action based on his passive decision.

I understand @starflame . My five have grown up, but three are still at home. Some parenting decisions really suck, but later we can see that they were the right ones regardless, and things don’t usually turn out really badly, but it can feel like that in the moment, and feelings need to be acknowledged.

Checking in to see how you are going @Gusday

hello and hugs @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope , @starflame , @Gusday , @Determined

How is everyone today ??

we worked today and then visited mum and done a few things , now 4 days off