Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Thanks @Carlachris

There sure is a lot of judgement and also fear. I find family are in denial because they are so scared by the behaviours and so just put their head in the sand.

@Carlachris

You raise a great point that we are not our partners pdocs or therapists and we cannot make things right for them.

It is important to understand our role as part of our loved ones treatment and care team. I am grateful that Mr Darcy has given permission for me to be involved in his care. Psych patients for many reasons are often poor historians and family collaboration is often necessary. Mr Darcy does not understand medical things and appreciates my help.

As "things happened" during the course of Mr Darcy's care, I will look up information and ask questions before Mr D will fill any script on offer.

It’s such a learning curve. It took me a few years to understand boundaries shift and move as the spectrum does. Age 65 is much different from age 55 with MI. Hubby has mellowed but with his mother being a very angry nasty frail 90 yr old trigger who we now need to care for has created a whole new pattern. Including grief of the eventual. I can’t deal with that. It’s too big. She may go for years more twisted cruelty or not either way the professionals who train for years need to be available for him. He allows me to be mainly involved in his care but I don’t want to be in the sessions with him as I know enough to know I would not be able myself to deal with some of the cruelty he suffered since childhood. My beautiful man was hurt very very badly. Firstly by his own mother then society. Thank the powers that be we have moved forward from the care offered in the 70s and 80s.

I agree @Carlachris I do not go into therapy sessions, never have and only go in at the end of pdoc appts.

@Former-Member It’s hard finding the right balance for ourselves sometimes. I realized I was becoming ill myself and headed towards a collapse. We carry so much invisible stuff. I have a counselor for myself that I see once a year to look after me. But I haven’t told her about my hubby. It’s my own mothers naive neglect of me and my husbands mothers cruelty that build up in me I need to keep separate from hubby. I need to stand alone to deal with them as myself not in the shadows of his darkness. MI can overpower everything as we know and then we get lost in the gap between and left behind due to bigger things to face.

@Former-Member @Carlachris

Great conversation happening.

There is so much invisible strain to push through.

I do go to appointments with MrW as he thankfully realises that his perception around his elevation are not always accurate and I am his kind of safety net. I mostly sit quietly while he talks and wait till the end to add anything. He has unipolar mania so is constantly elevated

That must be exhausting @Dunks . My hubby is bipolar, Aspergers,Paranoia Disorder. Makes for a few interesting times. He cycles through all and we have identified his PTSD trigger is his mother. I understand him more than anyone and often wonder what he tells his psych at times thinking how offbeat some things can be but of course the jumble of everything is like a minefield at times. Tip toeing I have found just doesn’t work so we go BOOM from time to time. I’m not in anyway saying he is to blame totally for everything but living up to the expectations of multiples is an impossible corner to be backed into at times. Aspergers alone can drive a woman nuts. We do have some very funny things happen along the way. ....lol.

i am currently trying to find a bit of me again above the din....not having much success but I love to paint and sketch. Making time for ourselves is a must. Not easy but a must still the same.

@Carlachris

Hi there and I can relate to all you say.

I try so hard to be patient and not react but we too have had a few blow oute..... I know I still have a lot to learn and it certainly does not help when I react but then I add am human .

We seem to have lost our laughs at the moment but I know we will get them back

While it is clear that we have an eating disorder on board, the most telling aspects of it are kept hidden, aggressively so. Otherwise we are just managing with a whole lot of extreme behaviour and symptoms indicating that there is something more there, likely driving the e.d. I suspect a multiple diagnosis, but my hubby has no insight into his unwell behaviours, and as such, no interest in speaking up to doctors about them. I can’t pretend they don’t exist, so I am considered oppositional by him, and by his mother who is enabling him.

We can still manage some good family times around the issues and resulting chaos, and the kids are so full of wit that laughs happen a lot too, which is bitter-sweet.

Other than that, it’s a holding pattern ..... waiting for something to give, and hoping it’s not terrifyingly serious when it does.

There is life to be gotten on with, wounds to lick and heal, grief to mourn, and hills to climb ..... there is music, art, we are blessed to travel, and I have some lovely friends who send supportive thoughts and hugs my way ..... many of them here on the forums.