Hello, @eudemonism... 🙂
Firstly, no need to apologise.
Eude... dude... I feel a measure of your pain...
For so many many years (decades) I was so very sensitive to everything and everyone around me... too sensitive, in fact, because the chaos of the outside world or the intentional or ignorant cruelty of others seemed to affect me so very much more than anyone else around me...
For me, bipolar supercharges everything... my moods, my emotions, my energy levels, my thoughts, my empathy towards others, my fears, my angers, my rages, my losses and gains...
But the sensitivity, that was the thing that was a real clincher for me, to be able to semi-function as I do now. Before I cracked the sensitivity thing, I was pretty well lost in a turbulent wild sea every time I stepped out the front door.
A simple comment would be taken too far by my constantly worrying thoughts... different parts of my conceptualisation of "Me" started to hurl abuse or needle me with icy fear... I don't exactly hear voices, but the thoughts in my head can be so strong that it almost feels physically painful, and there are definitely a few distinct clumpings of personality that would regularly attack me, either suddenly and brutally, or slowly in order to wear me down...
Eventually, when my major breakdown in 2011 MADE me stop my life totally and get to the bottom of everything before it did me in, I started to question my sensitivity...
Where did it come from? Why were my fight and flight reflexes so on edge all the time? Why was I reading so much more into every interaction I had with every other human being? Why was I reading so much more into myself? Why was one thought exploding into a thousand?
These questions, after echoing through my mind with a thousand voices for a while, eventually settled down and got a little more ordered...
I rolled up my sleeves and got to work... I had to pull myself apart before I could put myself back together again... you learn a lot when you fall apart... there are bits of you that you would never normally see, suddenly out in the open, and they have to be understood before they can be prodded back in where they belong... there are other bits of you that, like an emotional cancer, need to be removed carefully and skilfully, often at the cost of much colateral damage...
So... why this sensitivity? I, too, had a strong sense of right and wrong instilled in me. I applied high ideals to my own behaviour, and despite the fact that just about no other person ever lived up to those ideals, I applied them mercilessly to myself again and again and again, and every time that I failed (which would be always, for perfection is impossible) another piece of my self-respect and self-confidence would die...
I would eventually come to absolutely hate myself, convinced that I had done wrong to everyone and everything, and that I was the worst oxygen thief that existed... it started with bullies' fists and parents who were never there... it continued for decades, as I extended that hate or emotional deadness to myself in ever greater measure...
Where does it stop?
Well, from my experience, I know where it stops... severe mental illness, an ever-decreasing quality of life, and eventual alienation of all friends and family as you fall apart...
A simple thing saved me...
Ahimsa...
An important part of Hindu and Buddhist thinking, philosophy and religion is the concept of ahimsa. This is the concept of doing no harm. Part of the underlying nature of this is the belief that all life is endowed with divine spiritual energy, and to hurt another is to hurt oneself...
Such beautiful simplicity, such connectedness, such compassion, all of it flows so easily from this concept...
But then I took the concept of ahimsa to its extreme, because that is what bipolar was doing with my sensitivity and empathy and compassion, so let's see where it goes...
Extreme practice of ahimsa sees people wear masks to avoid inhaling flies, and being careful to avoid stepping on ants as they walk, as well as all the dietary limitations...
But lets take it further... every moment within your body, your immune system is killing all kinds of invading bacteria... where then is ahimsa now?
This rather silly exercise of taking things deliberately to ridiculous extremes was an important eye opener for me... it allowed me to see that my sensitivity had reached silly levels akin to ahimsa at the bacteria level...
So, how to fix it? Well, that is a boring tale, involving lots of introspection and hard work...
First comes the inspiration, the lightbulb moment when you see a truth that resonates with your being... then you have to try and come to grips with it, understand it not just in your head, but in your gut... that way, you can start applying it in meaningful ways in your own life... the reason a lot of therapies fail is because there is not enough relevance in your own life... the books write of such high ideals and such complicated concepts, and that's because they are trying to write for a broad cross-section of people, and everybody is both different and the same...
For me, it is important to write my own self-help book... it is not for anyone else, because how can it possibly be applied to another person? Only the common points of ground and the universal truths can be of any relevance to other people... the nuts and bolts and boring stuff of trying to integrate these inspiring moments when you take a step up the self-evolutionary ladder, well, it's every bit as important as the inspiration itself...
Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you all... 🙂
