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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

PeriSenior Contributor19 Jan 2021, 2:00 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Dear @Former-Member ,

you sound so sad, I do not know what loss you will be grieving but I know how hard it is and how these times are at anniversaries.

grief is the price we pay for love.

I will be with you and thinking of you over this time.

love peri

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember19 Jan 2021, 2:52 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

He seems ok with it. Has been invited away to beach for long weekend but wanted to fit me in for the Tuesday (Australia Death Day :/) I donno, blackdogs telling me "youre hopeless & everyone's better off without you" I don't know why SI is triggered a lot after these glitches with my son. Maybe failure or something. Oh how easy it would be. I wish there was a 'safe house' with company for me to go when I feel suicidal like this.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor19 Jan 2021, 3:33 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member Next week is going to be so tough Hon but you are not hopeless and everyone is not better off without you - that is your depression and grief talking

I know that Aust Day is a massive day for you but making plans with your son may be a good distraction as well. Doing something nice together to celebrate the memory of your daughter may ease that pain a little. It is still going to be a hard day but maybe sharing that grief a little may ease the pain a bit. I now find doing something to celebrate the memory of those lost really helps. That does not mean it is not a tough day (and often still tears) but also a few smiles at the wonderful times I had with those not still with us.

In saying that, do what you feel you need to do to get through the day/week and of course we will be here to support you also. Hugs and hugs

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember19 Jan 2021, 3:42 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey @Former-Member, I've just sent an email to check in with you and your safety as I can see you're going through a rough time

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember19 Jan 2021, 7:44 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks appreciate support. I don't think I've ever expected 'counselling' here, though it is a fine line between that and peer support (in my experience) so I don't need those referrals, be understand it's a necessary protocol / accountability, sorry to cause alarm. I'll try shorten blackdogs leash 😕

Dr apt this pm. BP good, scans show pinched nerve degeneration and of cause there's nothing they can do. Told to 'look after myself" which translated means lose weight. Yep, aleady know that. My parting words were "it's impossible" No time for emotional issues... she's just come back from leave and was already 1.5hrs behind for me, she got called out of my consult for emergency and I needed scripts... so no, really couldn't bring up the SI. Just glad the scans were benign, the blood pressure normal (re headache) & I got scripts. Called in op shop on way home (can't help myself) but was delighted to see the lawn done when I got home and furbaby soooo excited to see me. So back in bed re back... just gotta not expect too much.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor19 Jan 2021, 8:08 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

💜🌻 @Former-Member

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Jan 2021, 9:19 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

NOTE-2-SELF

https://saneforums.org/t5/Forums-Blog/Self-compassion-how-to-put-it-into-practice/ba-p/892184

And you too @Eve7 🤗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor20 Jan 2021, 9:59 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hello dear @Former-Member

just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten you. Juggling my balls of life (not very well at present) but think of you and always brings a smile to my face when I see you, love and hugs xoxo

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Jan 2021, 11:52 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Aww thanks @Anastasia, that's nice of you to say. Thank you. How are you? You seem very busy but i've missed a lot sorry.
I nearly cancelled but made myself stick to a plan to take a new friend to movies... glad I did, it was her birhday today. We watched 'The Dry' which was quite good - Eric Bana was great, good storyline.
We had a gelato & coffee after (icecream shop) but we were swamped by a large group of young school girls reminding me of my girl 😢 It's torture! I was able to hold it 'till we finished coffee, and I think it went well. Tricky making new friends. My back's sore tonight, so bombing out tonight. 😴

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor21 Jan 2021, 12:07 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member

Yes lots going on. My Dad's sick. My boys anxiety is through the roof. My work is demanding. Not a minute to do what I wanted to do tonight. Juggling too many balls and not particularly well. Glad you had a night out. Great movie which I saw with my boy. Off to try to get some rest before I go to work in the morning. Night lovely. Thanks for saying hi xxx

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