why can't I cope longer?

Been a part of it so long, here and overseas @Former-Member, that it is my culture too now ..... and I drink the coffee sometimes. Things may have you ravelled on one side of us, but I am still keeping to the blended culture lifestyle we created and have lived for so long .... just have to find some new areas within this town to visit instead of The Coffee Place we used to go to 😔

Can't go back west @Former-Member .... there is a tug-of-"love" over one of the three kids here, and the other two unwell with mi issues ..... so grounded in this place for now.

Throwing myself into my studies, and yes ..... breathing .....

@Appleblossom @Its been a very long time since we talked here Bella. I felt hurt, and so struggle trusting anyone . . . Its real sweet you think of me with the Tawney Frogmouth at the zoo work. Had to erase Tawney,vshe upset too many people and attracted violence, but still part of me. Having the Frogmouth nesting the tree at my old place back then reached into my soul in ways my parts are unable to put in words. I think of you with music and as one who understands. Thanks for reconnecting 😢💙

Bed now @Former-Member Talk tomorrow. 💖

@Former-Member

Your love of birds shined strongly, so that stuck with me. What is past is past, and I could see what was happening at the time. I kept trying to bridge the gaps, but it is good you managed to return in a way that felt right.

I also appreciated some of the religious stuff we shared.

In some ways my family was also functional.

I have a few mementos from my brother, who suicided. One you would probably like. If I ever get a phone I could post a picture. It is a large lead light with the Tree of Life and was made for the Renew movement in Charismatic Christian group. They returned it to my mother and now she has passed, I have it. It is very beautiful. I always loved my brother deeply. We were split when he was 4 and I was 6, and back together 5 years later. He was tricked into not believing in his own worth.

@outlander @Owlunar @Former-Member

@Faith-and-Hope

I do not have any close connection with Greek culture but still celebrate my time on the Meditterranean thru the provision of water at the table. It is where I learned that, back in the 1980s. So obvious and sensible. Now restaurants do it, but back then, no. Aussies would not do it, but offered tea and sugar. Not healthy! Only tried Greek coffee a couple times tho. Yuck! lol

Glad you have decided to stick around the forums and the East. Good Luck with your art.

Hi @Appleblossom , yes, while it's hard to forget there is healing in moving fwd, even without apology, especially when it seems worth this risk. You are my dear 💙

Yes, i do love the birds and butterflies. Little wings are close to heaven I feel. Once a beautiful blue butterfly landed on my finger, turned its head and looked at me. I was in the throws of grief att, on verandah of my old Queenslander cottage, was so surreal... honestly thought my girl was trying to talk to me 💜😞

I can't get over her.

Yes, the "religious stuff" - my faith, annoys a lot of people, its who I am now, not a choice. My Lord is ever present with me, and loves me deeply, and very much an inseparable part of me, promised to never leave or forsake me. This is my ankor and shield in an otherwise impossible world. No matter how bad my flesh and my heart and the world fail - God does not change and is true to his word. I love opportunities to share my faith, Jesus with anyone listening. I'm sad I'm not a better witness re depression... but God sees the heart thank goodness. My closest friend and companion.

Im glad you have memories of your family being somekinda functional. We need to focus on those memories. Momentos can help us feel we have a piece of them ever with us. A reminder at least, hopefully a positive one - like your brother's large tree of life leadlight. Sounds beautiful Appleblossom.

I'm sorry you've lost so many of your family, really heavy stuff to carry round. My girl and mum have passed 😢 but it's the living losses that hurt too... they're alive but lost 😞 Like your daughter 😟 has she been in touch?... so sad.

Hugzz to you 🍎🌺

Does your brother's tree of life look like one of these I found online?

💙🌿

@Former-Member

So many beautiful images. It is good you feel secure in your faith. Of course you will always think of your girl, like I think of my girl.

My girl is a grown woman and extra busy with managing Covid policies etc. I wrote to her at the beginning when it became news, but no, I have not heard from her. My girl is very anti religion, like my surviving sister, they cannot see I tried to bridge the space between my mother's experience and beliefs and my own. They just are dismissive of my right to quiet practise. I NEVER put it on them, mum had done that too often I guess. It is all very sad. I am slowly coming to terms with the possibility that I will not see her again, and learning to understand the reasons she took that course of action. It was about her survival too. Things were not easy for her.

My nanna made a lot of wall hangings for church. One was a woollen tree of life. After congregation or priest got sick of them, they returned them to the family home. My uncle made sculptures, and there was the church music aspect. My brother did not believe, but put his heart and soul into many good things, but he also was typical BPD, acting out very vigorously.

It is funny how the ones who have passed do not age, for me anyway. My sister is a young woman, and my bro a young man... in my imagination.

I remember your big trip alone by car. A few of us on the forum were worried about you. I cannot do that kind of thing anymore. So will be a stay at home or public transport kind of retirement.