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I am feeling that my life at the moment is crap. I am so depressed and find that more so in the mornings. I hate myself so much, the way I feel, the way I act and behave. I know people will say to me 'oh just get over it' or 'you're not trying hard enough' - well to those people who say that: Do you have a mental illness; do you know what it's like to have depression and feel so dark that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; do you self harm to get rid of your emotions and to feel the pain; or do you think about suicide because it's all too much and you can't handle the pain anymore - NO. So don't tell me to just 'move on' or 'stop being too sensitive'.
I am not having a good morning this morning; tears are flowing as i am typing. And I have to get ready for work; damn work. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living and why?
I really don't know how i am going go today at work; I feel so depressed. 😞
Hi @Decadian I think I am grieving but still processing it all. The abuse, abusers, my mental illness, BPD trying to accept all this inc the horrible abandonment and rejection of my parents but the words of my mum. How can she tell me that I betrayed the family? What have I done wrong. It hurts so much @Decadian. And I know you know. I don't deserve this from my parents do I? This is the hard part. I sense being close to you and @utopia and @pip and all others who have been abused as children. I just hope that one day all this will be behind me - but I'm not so sure😥😥😥
In response to: having a bad morning
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
💜💕💐@BlueBay
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Thanks @Former-Member
One day it will be behind you @BlueBay - it takes time
Cause after all - my TS has been doing her worst for her lifetime - and now - I am free of her - but it took a long time
My mother used to tell me I was too forgiving - well - for them - it would have been easier to have been hard-hearted about all that - but we have our own nature to live within - and far better to endure whatever it is and take time to sort out the debris and colateral damage - it might take a life-time - it might be earlier - but it will happen - the last week has been chaos - but at the end of it I feel as if the sky opened and brilliant light shone on me - by her own bad behaviour TS vindicated me
About you - you did not cause the abuse and you did not deserve the way your parents treated you - and closing down the process you are walking through now would cut it short - and it is not a case of what is right or wrong in someone else's opinion - it's what's right or wrong for you - and one day you will have that light shine for you -
I know this because you are working on something that only you know the truth about - and so whatever process - and I have read what people have said to you in your posts - walking around with that load is hard yards - and yep - I don't think that is negative thought or wallowing or whatever wonderful things have been said to you in the line of telling you the best way - it's what we see here
That you work on it and your feel hopeless and as if it will never end - and people here care a lot - and one reason is that we have all been aching and hurting because of something we have had no control over and has never been your fault and life can be so darned hard
Fear not - I can assure you the day will come when you will see all this -
Decadian
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
pipSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hey @BlueBay. Sounds like the depression is really giving you a bad time today. Sometimes life can really suck, when you feel like giving up, this is when you fight harder not to let the depression rule. Try to block out the words from your mother - yes, they're cruel, hateful, hurtful. No, she shouldn't have said them, it's quite possible she feels just as guilty for saying them, but can't retract them, doesn't know how to. sadgirl the words can't hurt you, the meaning can. My mum used to frequently tell me sticks and stones etc. Each time someone hurts you with what they say, tell yourself over and over, they're just words. Ignore the message, change the words in your mind. Mum said you betrayed the family, change that to, the family was betrayed by action, not me. The action taken led, to further action to counter-act the original action. The original action was the betrayer, the further action was right. Possibly you were not supposed to do whatever you did, ignore that, you did what was best for you. Mum possibly tried to control you, stop you for whatever reason. This could've been to stop further embarrassment for her. If this is the case (remember I'm guessing), but if she felt embarrassed, this is her problem, not yours. If she failed to protect you, she is the betrayer. You are the victim, don't take her blame, put the blame back on her. Say aloud, Mum it wasn't my fault, you failed me. Keep repeating this, especially the 'mum, YOU failed me'. This was another part of my therapy to heal after my brother stole my childhood. I had to learn to tell him, he was the failure, not me. Remember too, I never faced him, never have, no intention of. I'm not scared, just don't feel like wasting my time on a waste of time. He is a wasted space, my life and time is far more important than him. I'm stronger - yes, but I don't have to prove that - I KNOW that. My parents are deceased (thankfully), don't miss them, nothing to miss.
In response to: having a bad morning
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Yes @Decadian
this is a whole new world to me
at the beginning I used to cry and get upset , took me a while to find my footing
My husband has been on and off anti depressants for years -- they never seem to work , then he wasn`t taking any for years, which I found hard going sometimes
It was not until he ended up in hospital that they put hime on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds
That is when I found the SANE forum which I have grown a lot and doing my homework to find out more , which has helped
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
It must be really hard @Shaz51 - for you to have to manage your husband's health issues as well as your own when both of your have physical problems that make life difficult - then add his MI and your own emotions to the deal -
I really don't think I would manage it that well
It's a really great thing to find a well-moderated place to find a Forum Family - a soft place to land where there is so much support - I have found this incredible
Life can hurt us in so many ways - so many things can help fuel our frustration, fatigue, add what ever else fits in here - anger, irritation - what wonderful things can get under our skin
There is so much education regarding human disorders and emotions here in the Fact Sheets - so much I have yet to read more - and it is exciting to find out these disorders - and I am beginning to think that it would be hard to be human and not have a couple of these disorders and this is an oddly comforting fact itself
I am learning to be more tolerant reading other people's stories - and tolerance is a wonderful attribute to gain
And also - we do not have to be tolerant of everyone's bad behaviour - we can learn to defend ourselves from people who do set out to hurt us - and those who have a repertoire of thoughtless comments - so
It can helps us in many ways - this is helping me in many ways
Decadian
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Thank you @Decadian
I really hope that all of this can be behind me one day. I feel at the moment it wont'. Feeling emotional as I have just written a reply in another post about seeing my mum and how she treated me. I need a break, think i better get of here for a little while and come back on later today.
I am so lucky to have so many beautiful caring friends on here. xxxxooo
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Take it easy @BlueBay and work through it in your own time frame
I used to think life could never get any better too - but it did - and not all at once - it would fill a long and probably boring novel to write it all down
But at the funeral last week when TS gave me that filthy look - oh shivers - I felt so ill - but now - that part is over too - she has done her worst
I feel that you are the victim of your family's nastiness - and it has deeply wounded you - but rest for a while and get back to it - oooh - it is a hard road
Decadian
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @pip
My mother would chant on and on about the "sticks and stones" - hurting me with every blast - but I never let her know it.
Maybe my life would have been better if I had - but would I really have been in the long run - I doubt it - better it worked out as it did
Every word my mother said cut to the quick - and I know I had a face that would close down on her and close her out and she hated me for it - but in the end - that bit about "when I'm dead and in my grave you'll be sorry that you hurt me" was the reverse - as she was dying my mother showed her regret - every bad word she had said to me had gone back to her -- and I know myself to be the far better person
I will have to have a look at sticks and stones to see what the rhyme really is - because the way I remember it doesn't seem to scan - I will get back to you on that one - hopefully - if I find it
Decadian
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
pipSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @Decadian. The actual full rhyme is: 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt'. It's an absolute crock. The significance behind the words are supposed to convey that no matter what somebody says, the words can't hurt. Unfortunately, when you are called something like, ninny, nutty etc, those words hurt because you feel less than human, you feel as though you're a wasted space. I frequently copped from mum similar to you, except I also got the added extra of: 'I'm the worlds' worst mum'. This was supposed to make me feel guilty and I was supposed to beg forgiveness and thank God for such a wonderful mum. I was not there when mum died, she was alone. I found out she had passed when the police arrived to inform me. I was incredibly sorry to learn of her unexpected death, but more so because of the many unresolved issues between us. We had become estranged (her choice) after my dad died, the relationship never resolved, so when she died, I felt like I'd lost her again. When dad died, she disowned me, blamed me for his death. My marriage was fairly new then, but hubby couldn't emotionally support me, didn't know how to. I had to face a lot of stuff alone. If I had been there when mum was dying, I think she would've called for my brother as he was the favorite. This all happened over 20 years ago, I have long since resolved everything I had to. I have come to terms with her passing, her rejection of me. I'm no longer in pain. My life is now better than ever, I have a wonderful bf who cares and loves me for who I am instead of what he thinks I should be. My ex hubby always wanted me to 'do as I was told', my bf just wants me to be happy, that's all he wants. Now and again, he advises me against something that might cause hardship. He never says 'don't do it', just advises possibly this is not the right time. Advises me to think carefully before acting. Ex would simply say, 'don't, because you can't'. His meaning: he didn't have the confidence in me. Bf says, 'give it a go, what have you got to lose?' Bf boosts, ex didn't.
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