Wow, that's so powerful @Decadian. What a huge leap forward you have made. It's awesome.
What you write is so true !
My mother was someone really special - I worked that out when I left home and started to see how other families worked around me - but my MIL was simply awful. She had a messed up childhood, and was damaged by war in the country she had come from. I learned to see past her behaviour to how sad that was, but I had to grow through a lot of experiences along the way as a young adult, that many of you suffered as children. I had my children small, and I remember thinking, "Okay, how do I stop all this damage and emotional baggage from rolling through into my children's lives ?"
It was stealing joy from me in the raising of my own children, and the life I wanted with my husband. They were a tight knit family, and I hadn't seen how damaged they were, because they were so nice to me until I was married, and then it was all some sort of power game after that. I was so devastated. They were really mean and unfair, and didn't care what it cost to get their own way. I had to learn to find my voice in that situation, and find the power to put my foot down, even if it was going to cost me my marriage in the process. I could see that my kids were going to get damaged if I didn't.
Something else I didn't realise is this - anger turns to bitterness, and boy was I angry !!! I was trying to be so nice to them, trying to be loving and caring and supportive, and it was all being thrown down into the dirt and walked all over ! The anger was causing me to stew, to walk around in a rage all day, and get snappy with my precious children, and then I would cry because I could see it was starting to make me mean too, without intending to be.
I realised I had to find a way to forgive them, for my own sake, I wasn't going to be able to stop the cycle of damage and move forward if I couldn't find a way to do that, but I was so angry, and didn't how how to do that at all.
Then I prayed that God would forgive them for me. I wasn't capable if it in the place I was at, but somebody had to forgive them to get that job done. So I passed the ball there - asking God to do that part, and I would just step back to a place of being polite - super polite in fact - but that was all. They hadn't earned my respect and devotion, so I wasn't going to waste it where it wasn't wanted !! I found loving friends to share it with instead, and I had my mother at that time. I didn't lose her until later, when this storm had passed, and the healing had begun.
It was a very selfish thought at the time, but a genuine one ... I wondered why I had to lose such a beautiful, caring mother, and get stuck with a monster-in-law !! Well, I have worked out since that the angels needed my mum, and there was still a lot of work to do with this monster-in-law to turn her into something I could remotely love.
I got busy. I ignored her and avoided her when she was being awful. Didn't use any of her gifts, or give her any space in my life, or my children's lives than I had to, when she was being horrible, and when she started to behave half-way decently, I relaxed my coldness a little bit and gave her glimpses of what life can be like when you deal in love and care for each other instead of trying to control everybody with power games.
Its taken thirty years of blood, sweat and tears, but we're okay with each other now, and she has learned to deal in love, most of the time. She still has her naughty days, and I detach from her emotionally when she does.
Part of the healing process was, as you said, learning to see the hurt and damaged little girl inside her, who had to learn to step out on the path to healing for herself, and she has done some of that. Her life story was terrible. Now I feel a lot of empathy about that, but at some point you have to realise that it's not an excuse to keep being horrible to everybody else.
That doesn't fix it. Love does. Find the love inside you, as @Silenus said in a post a couple of days ago.
Find the love. It helps you to let the rest of it go.
❤️
