having a bad morning

Hi @Decadian

Thanks for the hugs

You know, i read your post again just now and you're right - my psych didn't need to tell me what he did yesterday. i don't need to hear that 'i am lucky that i have a job' - i don't feel lucky at the moment.

I have private health cover and the hospital that I have been admitted to is a private hospital. So where i do my outpatient programs is at this hospital. Because i was in hospital in March for a chest infection and asthma i have already paid my excess. i only pay my excess once per year.

yes, i have been thinking today about going on my day off (tuesday) to the outpatient program. it is covered by my health cover so i can go and not pay anything.

i hope you are doing okay @Decadian. take care xxx

Awe @Faith-and-Hope the image is so nice. yes i will use this image as my 'blue butterfly and water'. i will keep this image in my thoughts and when i am in a bad place i will look at your image. thank you so much; you are such a kind person.

hope you are okay. xxx

Hi @BlueBay

Good to hear from you, and what you were working through with @Decadian sounds positive.

Way to go guys !💗 That's where one person can lean a bit on other people's experiences, and visa versa. We help each other through the highs and lows.

I have had a lot of upheaval in the last 24 hours with my kids, but it's working out, in baby steps. I'm feeling a bit like I have been through the wringer, but the weekend is here, and that's looking very welcome ! I'll be okay 🌷

Take care. Have a restful weekend xx

Hi @BlueBay

I'm so glad you have Private Hospital Cover - it gives you a bit of space - if you find you need time out you can take this and recharge your batteries - the clinic I went to provided a lot of different programmes through the day - and when you take time out in this way you have the chance to build up a network of other people like yourself who are just at the end of their cotton-picken-chicken-plucken tether

I've been there - and when I took time out there - I burned out caring for my son - and have no need for that kind of time out now - but when I did many things came together to help me repair myself

And if you have the feeling you can go their and repair yourself in such a way - you might never go - but if you do you have already paid this year's excess so it's there for you - should you need it

But the Outpatients' Programme sounds good - you have a day off - take that day and fill your heart and mind with anything and everything that can provide assistance for you -

You sound better already - what could your doctor have said to you that would have helped? How about "You seem very angry - as if help is more than you know how to ask for right now. You appear to be overwhelmed and burnt out. You have a job and you know this is a good thing - but right now - maybe a little time out will help"

Would that have been better? I would rather have some helpful questions than a telling off. You might have done your block and harmlessly torn up paper but hey - this is the safety valve - yeah -

You said the truth - so obvious to me and I bet the rest of us -

All the best and all that -

Decadian

Why don't you write him a letter @BlueBay ? One that you can't post at the moment. And maybe do this every time you are feeling this way.

If you keep the letters, in a special box or something, there might be some time in the future when you do have an opportunity to give them to him. Then he will see you have been thinking about him the whole time, and you are expressing your feelings now in the hope that he will read them and know them later. It's something pro-active you can do,

Tie a beautiful piece of ribbon around them (blue like the seashell ?) and make them special for you.

😘... 🌺

Good idea @Faith-and-Hope

I have written many letters to him that I never posted. I just find it too difficult to write one today. Each time I think of him I get so emotional.

Maybe when i am alone on my day off work i can sit and write something to him. Thanks for the suggestion of the letter and even the blue ribbon, that's a great idea. i could even put all the letters i have written in a nice gift box and keep them for 'one day'.

This may sound really silly - but i am so scared that 'one day' will never come. i am scared that he will die without me telling him how much i loved him.

And i can't post them because i know that my mum will open the mail and she will throw them out wthout my dad seeing them. That's what she's like.

But i will still write my letters, poems etc and put them in a blue box with blue ribbon all over it.

I was just replying to a message on here and all of a sudden this feeling of anger came over me.

I sat with the anger and just cried. I'm trying to let it go but it's hard. trying to let the anger ride through like a wave. but the peak of it has got me. i so much want to damage stuff, hurt myself and break things.

I'm closing my eyes and thinking of the blue butterfly and water (from my holiday) and the tears are still there but it's okay.

why does everything have to be so damn hard. why???

wish i didn't have to go to work today, but i have to - no money so how else am i meant to get money. mhy life is so screwed up it's never going to be better or easier.

Hi @BlueBay

I like what you wrote here:

"I'm closing my eyes and thinking of the blue butterfly and water (from my holiday) and the tears are still there but it's okay".

It sounds like some more of the anger, pain and frustration you have bottled up inside there just released, like it did in the therapy session.with the coloured balls. It might not feel like things are changing, but these are the baby steps of change. You will have to go through a period of time where the suffering you have been carrying rises to the surface of your life and gets cried out, talked out, felt, expressed and healed.

The last part is the most important part. You have to slowly release the pain to slowly heal, and you can do it @BlueBay, a little bit at a time. Reaching for special thoughts in your mind, like the blue butterfly, can help you cope with the process in the moment. You have done so well this morning !

Get busy now with getting things ready for the day, and give yourself permission not to worry about anything else for a while now. Just think about the things you are doing as you go, and stay in the moment, feeling the size and shape of the things you pick up and put down, what the weather is like today, what you can smell and hear around you. Look outwards for a little while.

💜