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I am feeling that my life at the moment is crap. I am so depressed and find that more so in the mornings. I hate myself so much, the way I feel, the way I act and behave. I know people will say to me 'oh just get over it' or 'you're not trying hard enough' - well to those people who say that: Do you have a mental illness; do you know what it's like to have depression and feel so dark that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; do you self harm to get rid of your emotions and to feel the pain; or do you think about suicide because it's all too much and you can't handle the pain anymore - NO. So don't tell me to just 'move on' or 'stop being too sensitive'.
I am not having a good morning this morning; tears are flowing as i am typing. And I have to get ready for work; damn work. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living and why?
I really don't know how i am going go today at work; I feel so depressed. 😞
Navigating hurt is a difficult thing for most people, @BlueBay
You are in a lot of mental anguish and emotional pain because of what has happened in your life. What's worse - your mother responded to your revelations in a very poor way, and that hurt you all the more...
I can't imagine what you are going through. But I am pretty sure that you are quite strong, even though you don't feel it yourself or think that you are...
Don't go believing that being very emotional and crying is a sign that you are weak. Far from it.
About 3 years ago, I had a bad phone conversation with my father. He pushed my buttons a bit too far. We had a big argument and I said some things designed to hurt him. I'm not proud of it, but that's the sort of thing us humans do when we get hurt - we hurt them back, or we pass the hurt off to another...
Incidentally, this dustup with my father caused me to rapid cycle for 3 weeks or so, and was what led to my diagnosis being changed from depression to bipolar, so it wasn't all bad... hahaha... 🙂
I felt betrayed by my mum because of my experiences of her alcoholism. I nearly died when I was born, one month premature and addicted to nicotine and alcohol. For pretty well all of my life, she was emotionally unavailable to me, and that's a terrible thing for a child to face about their mother.
For so many years, I carried a big hurt in my heart because of it. I was angry about it. I felt wronged.
But who was I really hurting by carrying all of that baggage from the past around?
Myself.
Oh, and even worse, I was inadvertently passing the hurt on. I was withholding love from my mother without realising it, trying subconsciously to punish her.
I didn't realise all this until after she passed away.
I wish I had been wise enough to let go of all that hurt I was carrying in my heart. I could then have returned to that grandest of human qualities - unconditional love...
I'm learning though. I have a much better relationship with my dad. His button-pushing doesn't hurt me any more. It's not his fault. It's just him being him, and me being me. He hasn't changed, but I have, and it's been changes for the better. This has resulted in me not being triggered by him nearly as much as I used to be...
I keep coming back to this... the world hurts us. What we do with that hurt is what defines us. Do we carry it around for a lifetime, do we pass it on to others, or do we let it go and learn from it?
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Wow @Silenus
This thread is fantastic - people are opening up about their own stories - and these are painful stories - things we did not want, did not ask for and have defined a great part of our lives - for better or for worse
I am a parent myself and cannot understand the cruelty some people throw at their children - it is a rough world indeed - and
Most importantly
It is never right for a parent to abuse their child in any way - it's wrong - there can be no justifcation for it
But some people are trapped in a cage or a dark place with nothing but their fears holding them there. These people are not the strong people - the strong people push on the door to get out - strong people stand blinking their eyes and maybe weeping in the bright light of realisation - strong people will make it home to a better life
But it is not easy - the people who hurt us will never find that way until it gets too uncomfortable where they are - but we all know - living in the light and having the past hurt us day after day because we have these memories
Enough - if I keep writing here I will run out of clever thoughts
Decadian
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
ethSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @BlueBay how are you travelling today?
In response to: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @Silenus I'm away and using my mobile phone so may be hard to type. You are incredible. Opening up and telling me your story. Thank you. Big hugs to you. My prob is how do I let go.
Arrived on our holiday and already had one argument. It's always my fault. I get so annoyed. I'm trying so hard to let go of my mum but I'm fearing that there is so much emotions to still come out and I may break down.
I'll have to read your post again when I come back and reply. Take care and Thank you for sharing. Xxx
In response to: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hey @Decadian I have a daughter and if she came to me in 30 yrs time to say she was abused I would be upset BUT I would support her love her the same and tell her that I am here for her. Not what my mum did to me. How can any parent do what she did to me - I just don't get it and fighting in my head to understand.
In response to: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hey @Silenus Just had a thought - I want to ask my therapist if he will let me 'have it out with my mum' in a type of role play I feel that because I have so much pent up anger I want to release it all but in a session with hi as he is a professional and will guide me. What are your thoughts?
You're prob wondering why I'm on here - well hubby is asleep. We had to leave home at 3am to get to airport for 6am flight. Got there earlier but now he is asleep. And I'm bored.
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
ethSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hi @BlueBay i've been thinking about you a lot. Hope you don't mind me answering but the role-play with your therapist is worth asking about, as long as you feel strong enough to handle all that it may bring up for you. You would be in a safe environment doing it with your long-term therapist. Just my thoughts on it.
In response to: having a bad morning
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Hey @eth I think I may be ready. I know I'll be emotional angry and hurt but maybe it's what I need. Just to let it all out. I'm ok I think. ??
In response to: Re: having a bad morning
ethSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Only you can decide that @BlueBay, perhaps in discussion with your therapist. You certainly seem to have been having a better time over the last couple of days than earlier in the week. Us humans are amazing sometimes in how much we can grow in a short time. Keep it up! 🙂
In response to: having a bad morning
SilenusSenior Contributor
Re: having a bad morning
Well said @eth🙂
Hi @BlueBay🙂
What @eth said... I think it's a great idea with the psych, just so long as you think you're coping with it...
Another technique I use is to write an unsent letter. I never send it. You write out your thoughts and feelings and hurt in a letter to the person you are angry with or troubled by.
You can then walk away from the letter. It's a great venting technique, it helps you to understand your emotions and deal with them, it unclutters your thinking. Later on, you can re-read it and see how your feelings and thoughts about them have changed...
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