30 Years

Hi @Former-Member

I wonder a lot about numerics - if 16 sounds interesting - you should get to hear about all the 6s in my life - and then started adding, multiplying etc - with 6s - and it really makes me wonder

I would say while I am not an astrologer nor a numerologist I am interested in both - and consider myself to be a symbologist - life does happen - but we certainly accumulate events and dates. I could tell a tale or two. I am open to the subject

For me - I grew up in a semi-rural area where my father was a prominent figure - I saw all sorts of life - and experienced all sorts of things a child need not see - but learned to call that life and I am grateful for it - and as I didn't know anything differently - with the influence and education from my loving father and grandmother I weathered it well

However I did not have cousins and the only kids I had anything to do with were at school. I understand what you mean by being "slow on the uptake". I did not have much education about the process of growing from a child to and adult - and the whole thing was a mystery I rectified in the public library

Yes - this is a fallen world - life was meant to be easy but that woman ate that fruit and thinking about it - I would have too I think. And here we are.

Familywise I do not have support - I have established a professional team - and the people who help me out in different ways are in touch with each other - and therefore I do have support.

And we are not robots and I really like that comment. A computer can be filled with gezillion-megabytes of electronic data and the links are established by the manufacturer and the operater

But computers are not very bright - they cannot think for itself - or feel - A computer has no sense of itself - no personality

And we do - we have a life and we know we exist. Somehow we know the difference between the being awake and the dream

So life can hurt and it does hurt - and we need each other. Although a computer is inanimate - it keeps us in touch with people in a way that could not have been imagined 30 years ago.

Sorry about being so nerdy - I did delete a lot - it's great to be able to delete at times

Decadian

@Decadian Your son was so young. He may have had opportunity to grow out of his issues, but I dont want to bring up 'what ifs', for you. Death is a certainty we cant escape.

At 5 years after a sibling suicide I was also still very griefstruck. Its 30 years for my sister, she was 21.

It was difficult losing my brother and sister. I had to work out what parts of my grief .. including thoughts, feelings and tears were about each of them ... there were 9 years between the deaths .. and also what part of my grief was about me and my own childhood neglect and never being a person in my own right.

Today I recieved a letter saying that I am allowed to have legal access to my sister's ward file because it is after 30 years. i m grateful for the opportunity but it also may bring up feelings and provide information. I hope you dont mind if I post about it. I would really appreciate support from people who have been there before.

Hi @Appleblossom

We cerainly can't escape death - in fact it often seems people are in a hurry to get there - and both of us are people hurt be a close family member completing suicide 😞

And we can hurt so much we often can't work out what part is hurting most

One of the most important things we have to do in our life-time is learning who we are in our own right - and losing your siblings like that - and finding yourself in such emotional turmoil would be hard - but I can tell you that you might be nearing to finding out that you think right now

Your sister's ward file - I am not sure what that is - I think this must be the medical information from the time of her death. I would be honoured to help

I have not seen any ward file about my son - but I have copies of the Inquest and the Statements of the workers where my son died and the statement from the witness when he killed himself - hard reading

I feel okay about reading your sister's ward file - I would be honoured - and as this might be very hard for you to face on your own - as far as possible on-line - I will support you as much as I can

I can say that you would definitely suffer feelings of childhood neglect - it is hard for parents when they have a child die - let alone 2 - it's not right - but that's the way it is

All my best thoughts -

Decadian

Thank you @Decadian I appreciate your offer of support and mature approach.

I was made a ward of the state with 3 of my siblings (we were all 'in care' with fosters and group homes)when my parents were both hospitalised for MI.

I have my own heavily redacted file of the period i was a state ward from about 6-11. My sister was younger and her wardship period went from about 2-14. I dont have access to my brother's file as I havent approached his kids yet. They have a say in its release as they are legally closer kin than a sibling. I might approach them later ... but they have enough going on in their own lives just yet .. the time is not right to broach it with them. I will go in to the office and pick up my sister's file in next couple of weeks.

I dont think I want to get the inquests of my siblings. I have their death certs and know enough about what happened at the time of their deaths though I was not actually present. I cant see that it would help me go into further gruesome detail. I did however get the inquest file of my father, who died of overmedication and neglect when he had pneumonia.

Your insights (and @Former-Member) might also help me process some of my thoughts and feelings about my daughters, both of whom I have had little contact wth since mid teens, one who was non-biological.

Anyway to friendship and forging a way to make some meaning out of tragedy. Just being able to discuss this as I post is more help than any professional has been able to offer.

Thank you

Hi Again @Appleblossom

I didn't realise your and your siblings were State Wards - wow - a hard one - my son was a State Ward too - the situation had become flammable - he was not taken away from us completely - DHS was always trying to get him back home - which was often disastrous. But I wanted contact - even though he was an adopted child - something else we have in common obviously - I have never considered him anyone but my son - he will always be my son.

So I understand what you will be getting and maybe reading is your sister's file - I do know that file - actually - the way those files are handled was changed by my son's death. Now if a person is suicidal - everyone who has access to those files know about any suicidal risk it is on the first page. Although I knew my son was suicidal - very few people did -

It seems your sister died around the same time as my son - another coincidence

I suppose I could ask for my son's ward file - I didn't know there was one - but then - they did blame me for a lot of what happened - but the gift of the years of my life make me think I don't need to do that - I know the truth anyway - it is interesting but I have kept my letters to politicians and other people - including his birth mother and the Aboriginal Legal Service - and my story has not changed in 30 years

It's wise not to read the inquest. - it is hard work - I cannot tell people what I read and no one in my family knows what happened - it's is lonely work - but I have only shared with a couple of professional people what happened the night he died - no one needs to know that story - it's only important for me that I know

You are also being very mature about all of this - there is no need to slam your brother's children about all of this - do you have any contact with them?

And as for you own daughters - I know it is a very delicate issue - they have to want to have a relationship too - maybe they do - but I understand - how wonderful if they want to see you - how devastating if they don't

It is terribly sad that both your parents had MI - and serious MI. That put all of you behind the 8 ball from the start. And growing up in foster care without your parents still being part of your lives - wow - no wonder you are struggling to work out who you are and how neglected you feel

You have had one hard life - no doubt about it. As time passes and we know each other better we can share more - we do have a lot in common

All the best Appleblossom

Decadian

Yes it has been hard. @Decadian I am going to take up @Former-Member's idea about journalling in books dedicated to my girls.

With my oldest daughter there was mainly early DHS involvement. They removed her from the mother, assessed and approved me and handed her over into my fulltime care as I had strted a relationship with the father. It was all happening at the time of my sister'd death in 1986. I left work to take her on and took her completely as my child. I felt I had some key given my childhood and that I could help. I had no concept of a step relationship and didnt realise until my biological daughter was corrected in prep and told I was a step mother. I guess I thought I was like a foster. My husband told me not to tell DHS about my wardship and I did not, but the biological mother found out .. as we were trying to do it all open and friendly .. that didnt really work ... but Human Services dumped us all as soon as there was mention of a Supreme Court Case ... which we went through .. still granted custody and mother only granted supervised access .. she was seriously irresponsible happy hippy druggy of all kinds but also on depot meds as schizophrenic. I knew a lot of people with that label.

I was the major carer of my oldest J for 16 years but my health gave way seriously and the family broke up.

I was very angry with J at the time of the break up as she was an indulged dominant verbal head strong teen. It is 15 years and I have had all sorts of feelings .. and done all sorts of things to faciliate appropriate things to make up for distress and grief ... it is what it is ... she has strong self esteem .. both girls do .. and both are doing fairly well.

My mothering of her was never respected and I was caught in the biological parents battles with each other and human services. It was all craziness. I did love her and take her on as my own child and my first child ... she was 6 weeks when she came to me .. her birthday is in a few days. She will be 30. This post has made me think I might just send her a little email and leave it at that. For me I need to heal my sense of being her mother. I set up her 16 th birthday knowing I was leaving .. She had a more stable life than my own children. Her needs were given a great deal more attention and weight. I have had to get over the shock of discovering that I was a step mother and what my legal situation was. I have all the kinder photos up and a few others, but it is best to let go.

DHS didnt blame me but they didnt help much .. were scared to protect their own careers and didnt really have a clue. I still did all the work .. and they were useless .. I did get some support from a family therpay place .. but no respite throughout the 16 years.

Thank you so much for listening. You are right .. Whatever the girls decide .. the ball is in their court. I can finally accept that. I wont say anything about the other girl. They are both very different and very strong. I can only work on myself and my son. So an email and some books .. and I am going to dream my mothering for them .. there was so much happening at the time .. I didnt have time to dream.

It sounds as if you had to deflect the blame and deal with a difficult journey with your son. I will pray or meditate on him tonight. Alone, barely a kid, in gaol, with all the extra attachment issues .. no matter how hard you tried. Blame never helps.

My biological brother who stayed with his foster and was adopted .. gave his foster mum a hard time when he was young, but she was always his real mum for him. I was only with 2 fosters for about 6 months. He was with his from 6 months onward til they both died.

Take care.

Hi again @Appleblossom

I had trouble reading your post last night - I was really tired and this morning I can see that you have lived a very confusing life and no wonder you have had trouble finding out who you are - and as a family member - where you fit in

I don't know about DHS relating to children now - but years ago the weren't much help - and strange - passing strange - that you were you adoptive/fostchild's step-mother - that doesn't make any sense - but having had DHS all over my family back in the early 80s - yes - I get it -

Everything was overhauled after my son died - before that there was no cohesion there - I would find a helpful person but there was no team - no sense that there was someone else to take on the issue -

But on the other hand - some of those helpful people went beyond what they should have -

Anyway - regarding your girls - making keepsakes for them is a wonderful idea - and trying to keep in touch via email and sending cards etc - is a good start. I believe you you sincerely want to have contact with them - but how about them?

Perhaps I could tell you something about my relationship with my mother - I was born during the Second World War and my mother was not expecting to have a highly intelligent and inquisitive being gatting bigger every day and in her face. It was a great pity really - I can look back across the years and know I was an obedient and honest child - but was never able to please her - and this went on for my whole life.

When I was a child I thought as a child does and reacted as a child might - depending on the child - and in adult life she continued to push me away - and although there were times when things were okay between us there were long periods when we had no contact - up to an over a decade at one stage. I wanted to have a relationship with her - but the child was the mother to the adult - we did not understand each other - and I saw her before she died - and saw years of regret - I believe she did love me but was way off mark in showing it.

So I saying this - relationships are complex - and if people continually drive other people away - then things will die - but if both people want to have the relationship - then it's small steps

I could write more but that is enough for now - you are on the opposite side of this puzzle - it's as if you were in my place and trying to make a relationship happen - and unfortunately in life we can only be who we are. Your daughters will want you or they will not - and I hope you can find your girls wanting you - but it is up to them just as it was up to my mother

Decadian

Thank you for your generous reply @Decadian

As a mother DHS were only involved for 6 months during 1986. Just after you had contact. Then I was overwhelmed by their authority. Now, with a bit more experience, I am underwhelmed. The complexity in family structure of my childhood was mirrored in my parenting phase too.

In general outline my relationship with my mother was similar to yours. Though I mostly maintained contact and only had a year here or there where we did not see each other.

Regarding my daughters, I agree with you, they are separate individuals and we will see what time brings. I dont expect easy answers there. I am open. It is a mixed bag. To some extent I am also relieved to have space. I simply would not have survived to see my son to adulthood if I had stayed in that marriage with the dynamics as they were. If they cannot respect me then I am better off without them, sad as that is with my biological child. I shouldnt lump them in as one. That was part of the problem.

Thank you again for sharing and relating.