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bad mother

Unknown userMember04 Mar 2016, 3:37 pm AEDT

bad mother

Have had a really hard day doing a family assessment thing for family court. the assessor was really harsh and blunt and brutal, which was because she only had a specific time to talk to me for and needed to get as much detail as possible from me - i felt rushed and stressed. i got really upset and had to go to my school to get the kids and it was obvious i was upset and had a difficult time, but being new there it was just awkward and really awful. then my daughter was interviewd and came out upset too (not crying just tired and grumpy and very quiet).

then my son... then my ex was an hour late for his observation with the children.

i have so much going round in my head, i know i'm good mum but sometimes when i get asked so many questions and why don't i, or didnt i, or can't i stuff i just feel like the worst person in the world. i'm so tired of this whole process, and having to relive stuff over and over and feel like im either not believed, or judged for how i dealt with things. Then with my mental health stuff i get more questions and everyone gts interviewd about me and i hate it, its like im on trial or something.

34 replies

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In response to: bad mother

Drac0Senior Contributor10 Mar 2016, 10:30 pm AEDT

Re: bad mother

Yes, the daughter was 6 when she sent this with instructions to put it on the fridge. I think she's 17 this year. Was a good feeling to reconnect after so much worry about it.

I hope both of us can get some sleep tonight @Former-Member.

Take care.

In response to: bad mother

mumsbestfriendNew Contributor14 Apr 2016, 11:53 pm AEST

Re: bad mother

In response to: bad mother

mumstrugglingContributor15 Apr 2016, 6:33 am AEST

Re: bad mother

@Former-Member sending you best wishes and strength . take good care of yourself. I can imagine the high levels of stress you are under. One day this will all be behind you just hang on.

In response to: Re: bad mother

AppleblossomSenior Contributor15 Apr 2016, 11:50 am AEST

Re: bad mother

A long time ago I was involved in a womens theatre group and we put on a production called:

"When come Paradise Here?"

In response to: Re: bad mother

AppleblossomSenior Contributor15 Apr 2016, 11:56 am AEST

Re: bad mother

The theme of the bad mother was a huge issue for all the mothers in the group. There was about 25 in the cast and the plot was woven from the narratives of the women's lives. The title was taken from a barely literate Italian migrant older single mum who had a schizophrenic son.

It is too easy to find fault or imperfection when dealing with a role such as motherhood which is often mythologised, all encompassing and lasts a lifetime.

I personally dealt with my thoughts like that by taking my kids to family therapy and telling them I was struggling with my feelings. After on again off again therapy they came up with the good enough parent idea.

In response to: bad mother

Unknown userMember15 Apr 2016, 2:13 pm AEST

Re: bad mother

Thank you - the role of mums to be perfect at every moment is so hard when under scrutiny from everywhere/everyone and women in general seem to be pretty good at just being judgemental of each other... I tried a parenting forum for about a month but couldn't handle the hostility there and was terrified I'd say something that brought it on me.
But then I pressure myself unfairly too. And judge myself harshly at each step ...

In response to: Re: bad mother

AppleblossomSenior Contributor15 Apr 2016, 2:45 pm AEST

Re: bad mother

As teachers we both have some perspective on the 'mums on the playground' scene. I didnt get terribly involved with them, but more in helping children to read or playing piano for choir at lunchtimes. I still sometimes see the mum who was the conductor in my girls' primary school. I sing with her in PD events and she comes to concerts. etc

I found the competitiveness and narrow mindedness of many playground mothers shocking and the behaviour of their kids was often nothing to be proud about.

Studying various fields of psycho-analysis and teaching for over 25 years, I came to realise it is just as extension of their egos like the boy with flash car syndrome. Now I view competitive parents as not loving of their child but loving of their reputation or self image.

I have just seen it do harm to the particular child, other children in their vincinity and society in general. Just my opinion.

Though the lady I ran that choir with had a much more settled experience of life than I did and her kids were more settled, because I know she valued and taught social harmony along with choir .. I respected her. I am not really a jealous type so I am not jealous of good success.

I dont think that music is the only way .. I am a science nerd too and loved the CSIRO for kids setup.

In response to: bad mother

Angels333Senior Contributor15 Apr 2016, 4:37 pm AEST

Re: bad mother

I often feel inadequate as a parent. I went to several university's when I was younger and whether it was an abusive relationship or MI for one reason or another I never completed a course. Everytime I try and study something crops up with either my husband or the kids and I have had to withdraw. I am good at my job (teaching swimming) and I volunteer coach for special olympics. But I just fail at everything I try to do.

In response to: Re: bad mother

Unknown userMember15 Apr 2016, 4:46 pm AEST

Re: bad mother

im not sure you have 'failed' @Angels333 sounds as though you are doing a great job at what you do (swimming and coaching for special olympics and putting your kids/needs first)... and the study that you have done is never a waste.. no matter whether you got a piece of paper or not.... i get told by my psychologist to look more at the things i do right than wrong (she blieves theres more rights than wrongs... though i find it hard!) and i try to... i know that when im not so low i can see more perspectives...

how old are your kids @Angels333? mine are 5 and 7, busy lil bees. love them so much!

@Appleblossom yes, you are right, the competitiveness does nothing to improve kds lives.. and is all about the mothers... not the kids. im not sure im jeleous but sometimes i just wish i could have it a little bit easier... i see families coming to assemblies to watch children at school (aunts/grandparents etc) and wish that the kids and i had that kind of backup/support... maybe that is jelousy lol i dont know..

In response to: bad mother

Angels333Senior Contributor15 Apr 2016, 6:49 pm AEST

Re: bad mother

Thanks For The Encouragement @Former-Member 🙂

My boys are 16 and 14 and my daughter turns 13 on Sunday.

I love them so much, I am blessed with a loving husband who makes such a wonderful father for the kids.

But I still just desperately want to finish my degree. But the kids need me most at this age where peer pressure is at its height.

I said to my psychiatrist that I'll complete my degree in a few years and he repeated it to me "a few years" so I might be around then hey, because sometimes I just don't think I'll be here.

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