Support needed, support given ~ no religon or politics please...

Hi all....

I reduced my antipsychotic dose on Monday night. My psychiatrist said I could when I saw her late last month. I waited a week & a bit as finances were extra stressful.... I had extra of my benzodiazpine last night. My psychiatrist approved an increase of the dose of benzodiazpine, but I haven't needed much extra yet. I slept half of today (unusual for me lately) & then my partner got me out of the cabin & to a cafe. So far I just feel slightly more anxious & a feeling of detachment. I asked my partner how I seemed & he said "despondent". Last year I reduced the antipsychotic dose twice: the first time I remember an increase in paranoia & anxiety plus irritability. The 2nd time I was extremely anxious & irritable. That happened in the first half of the year. In the 2nd half I was hospitalised twice for a total of 2 months. I had some psychotic symptoms (I did even on maximum dose), but the main issue was the antidepressant I had been taking since 2012 started to give me more frequent & disturbing vivid nightmares, which were often ptsd related. It is a common listed side effect of that medication to get vivid dreams. Therefore, I withdrew of that & tried the newest antidepressant on the market, but experienced persistent nausea. That meant that I had then tried all the newer generation antidepressants - some more than once. I tried a tricyclic, one of the newer generation again & a maoi. I decided to try a mood stabiliser I had been on before on a low dose. Now I am just on the mood stabiliser ~ no antidepressant. The dose is the typical dose for depression. It took about 4.5 months to feel like it was helping or "working" ~ although it may have been placebo effect, time & yoga practice that actually helped. Anyhow, I am back on track now to be able to reduce my medications. I found the psychiatrist who is helping me by googling "holistic psychiatrist" ~ my partner rang the practice & the receptionist suggested my doctor instead of the one I found online. From the beginning I made it clear that I wanted to reduce my medications. She has been mostly supportive, but at times has tried to increase dosages & wanted me to have ect. I have had to be assertive & determined ~ a hard ask at times when I have been extremely suicidal. I have read research that found long term use of antidepressants increases episodes of depression & long term use of antipsychotics increases episodes of psychosis. Also lots of research on benzodiazpines causing anxiety & depression plus addiction. The research is convincing & I'm tired of the side effects. I have now found a psychologist who specialises in cbt for psychosis. I feel if I can get through these difficult withdrawals I will be able to manage my mental illnesses & live more fully. My partner & even my psychiatrist have said I am more alive now.

This is my journey ~ I'm not trying to convince others to go off their medication... I just want support & people to know I'm not doing it because I am okay, but doing it to become more okay ~ if that makes sense...

Please talk about anything in here. I just need a thread without religon, which is triggering to me.

Namaste,

Anna