It's time I disappear

Hi there @BlueBay sounds like you are struggling today and we are glad you are reaching out for help. We value you as a member of the forums and your support of others has been highly commended. I have sent you an email to check in with you and would appreciate if you could check and respond to me please.

Kind Regards

Candycane

Can someone pls tell me I'm making a mistake. I'm really struggling and need some support from my forum friends. I am crying because I feel so alone i know my decisions are irrational wrong dumb but I'm so fragile that I can't make a rational decision. I think I will speak with a counsellor on the help line here on Sane. @candycane

I will get some more support from the counsellors.

Hi @BlueBay;

Candycane here, had a read of your post above and just wanted to highlight that we are not a crisis counselling service. As mentioned in the email i sent you please call Lifeline on 131114 for immediate support.

Kind Regards;

Candycane

@candycane

I wanted to chat eith one of your counsellors but don't worry.

I'll chat online later with lifeline

msybe I should delete this whole post altogether

I know you're not a crisis service and I understand that .

@candycane

Is there a way to delete this post completely?

Hello, BlueBay.

So very sad that you feel that way. I do not know an answer but can tell you that I felt exactly the same many years ago. I knew that friends and family loved me but to ashamed to be around them all with my mood swings, physical pain, various issues the littlest thing set me into the stupid brain taking over my thoughts of everything.

I did run away, lived in the bush on my own. No animals, no people that I could let down again.. then it got worse. Now 4 years fully away from most contact, I did end up getting lots of puppies to try to compensate, from rescue groups where they are unwanted (we had something in common). However....

I WAS WRONG, to do this, it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder going back to society once you leave. As you may do sometimes for yourself, I did convince myself the world better off without me, my MI. The dogs are now my only reason to be here and can’t deal with people in public for more than an hour or so. Please know (and you do) that what we are not making the decision to run away. It is the silly bits of our brain.. this apparently can be moulded and changed. ?

If I had my time over again, I wish I never cut them all out. No going back to that world for me again ever. Way to hard and they have their own lives to live..

The price of peace and quite away from the world, I thought was worth it, away for everyone else that I could hurt by being this “new” version of me, protecting them. It wasn’t and didn’t. 😞

Please make sure you chat with someone who knows what they are on about, not like my babble.. I feel bad for butting in here but felt like in my own way I can relate to some of your feelings.

Please dont run, from what I have seen in the posts, you are VERY much loved by those people in here.. they will want to help you.

Please wait until you chat to lots of these people and the SANE people to help with your decisions. That was a REALLY strong thing to reach out. wish I was that strong / brave at the start.. I know this won’t help, you with your decision and NOT trying to push my crap on you but you and the people here have made a huge difference in one day in my life..

You were a part of that. Read like 1000 pages of all your story’s and so many things ring true for myself.

sorry again for my 2 cents worth, but I did run AND really would do things VERY different if had over. How amazing that you reached out, the good bit of the brain still fighting inside..

Thankyou @Missmylife for your reply. Didn't think anyone would reply or even have thoughts like me.

Im sorry you did run away and left now on your own with your dogs.

I just need time. Thankyou agsin. Much appreciated. Xxxooo

Hi @BlueBay

I am really not sure how to delete posts, you may be able to from your profile. I will leave a note for the SANE admin team.

Good evening

Candycane

Sounds like you're a really vulnerable, raw place @BlueBay

It's a difficult place to be. I don't know that we'll, but I have BPD too, and it's a challenge every day, isn't it?

Do you really think you'd be better off without family? I'm sure they can see the great qualities you have, which you perhaps can't see when your minds in a negative cycle.

I'm really proud of your courage and honesty to post how you feel. That's not easy to do at all. Feeling fragile and not ok isn't necessarily wrong or bad. It's just the space you're in. But you matter just as much as anyone else, and you have important things to contribute here on the forums and I'm sure in real life.

BPD is not ALL of you. It doesn't define you nor will you always be this way. You are still you. You are all the values, characteristics, strengths you've always had, they're just a little harder to see right now.

@BlueBay You are MORE than welcome.. I know that the next statement is VERY Cpt Obvious..lol however going to say it anyway as one of the ONLY things that has helped myself, is that;

“24 hours is like a whole new world when we are suffering MI”. I WAS sooo sure of decisions when losing it during up’s or downs.. knowing they were far from rational, yet still seemed like the best and only real viable option..

again in I was wrong, time for me doesn’t heal, but it does allow for perspective and a re-evaluation of the decision when not on the rollacoaster..

i REALLY do know some part of how you feel and thank you for being so brave, you may not think so but I DO....

a trick when I had no one (apart from puppies) was writing down all my silly, but valid points, (in my head anyway). Maybe not valid to rest of society..

then the weeks later when finished coming down or back up to some form of my “normal”, eye opening, looking back and distracted my wandering thoughts, written positive and negative to focus on them. Able to see very clearly where my major malfunction was, lol.. or various.. 😕 a very one sided page but almost always found one thing to put on the good side..

you already have one thing for the good side, that from the outside I see. This being how valued you appear to be within this little world of SANE..

i will I’ll leave you alone now and looking forward to your new world starting, after the silly part of the brain chillaxes. Please don’t run unless to someone who knows what they are on about and can help. In 24 hours it is ridiculous how many things can change.. 22-2-2010 was my biggest 24 world change..

Take care xx

looking forward to maybe chatting again in the future, although I still feel like butting in and don’t know if my input is worth saying anything. I hope I didn’t make things worse, in any way..