What does a healthy relationship look like?

I know what it does not look like @Whiteknight I don’t have time for any male species that likes to control women. A guy should never tell a girl what to wear, what colour hair she should have, control what size she should be, accuse her of all the things his actually doing, tell her that she can’t have friends, or act possessive when she is around friends, isolate her support networks but cry like a B when the tables turn & blame her every time further more when she becomes what he created...

I have only ever been in a bad relationship so I wouldn’t know @Whiteknight

Hi @Former-Member

I hear you. You listed the common issues of a controlling partner.

My wife was married to my BIL for 20 years. In fact I matchmade them and was best man. He turned controlling. In his eues she wote the wrong clothes, makeup, talked too much and slept too much (she has depression).

Now she is free to be herself with a man that fully lives her for who she is.

Messygirl, all men are different. We cant define others by our experience with one. Good luck.

Thank you @Whiteknight for your brew strategy 🙂

I have a new relationship with a gorgeous woman with whom I have been going out for 9 months. Since this is my first relationship since I gave up alcohol 6 years ago, I am especially keen to put everything I have into this relationship in order to make it work.

However... yesterday we had a bit of a kerfuffle.

We played a difficult game of soccer and she stormed off angry - I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she didn't. Later when we both were in our reciprocal homes I sent her a text politely asking for her to let me know how she was when she could. Since she'd never stormed off before I wasn't too sure how to approach her.

Unbeknownst to me she sends me a text and then switches off her phone to give herself a break. Only the text never sent.

5 hours later I am still wondering what is going on when she texts me to explain. I ask her to ring me and she does. She is still grumpy and wants just to go to bed.

And this is the point where my insecurity kicks in and I want my recompense for worrying for 5 hours. We leave the conversation unfinished. She obviously feels like shit about soccer - not sure if she is angry at me too.

I feel like shit because all my fears of my previous broken relationships have fallen down upon me. I want so much to make this work but I am so fearful of being hurt.

I am so uselss at the spaces between commnunication and I am frightened she is going to be one of these people who withdraw rather than communicate.

But I love her very much and I will do my best to be the functioning partner I believe I can be.

As damaged people we often turn against ourselves when having conflict with those without MI. Yet, they being human, make mistakes and are flawed in their own ways, less extreme but still flawed.

Once the upset has occured it's difficult, but all orbiting emotions that aren't helpful should be put aside. Eg past relationships. Such desperate need to "make this relationship work" is no reason to defuse the conflict. Unless you did something obviously wrong then logic should come into play and you are best to assume it is her problem- unless she communicates otherwise. Acknowledge that your thoughts are racing and try to relax.

In such situations a simple text "I love you" is gold, and priceless enough not to need any reference to the actual conflict. Then wait! Distract yourself and the ball is in her court.

Conflict happens in every relationship. With us we tend to associate ours with our MI. Sometimes this has merit but not always. Those without mental illness still have deficiencies that need work and that's their responsibility. We cant carry that burden as well as our own, but we can comfort them through the process.

Finally, physical games aren't recommended. Some aren't good at it and feel intimidated.

I hope that helps

Thank you @Whiteknight

Operation distraction is well under way as I prepare to paint my bathroom.

And i have sent the simple i love you text.

Not sure about your physical games advice though - we just have an issue with our coach at the moment and it was a hard game. I cannot tell you good soccer has been for my mental health - or i could, but not today 🙂

Misunderstood. I thought the soccor games was between you both only.

Hope things are worked out for you Mulgajane, you have been so patient and calm in the situation.

As an update for me, things are still improving with my partner and I, although not as fast as we would like. He has recently confided with me he has been very depressed which comes out as anger, irritability and defensiveness. Hopefully this openness can help carve new ways of dealing with it together. I am finding as my depression lifts I am a lot more tolerable and even headed as well. I just hope we can find a way to deal with arguments in a healthy way. The tips and examples shared here have helped a lot.