What does a healthy relationship look like?

@Shaz51 Doing alright thanks 😊

that`s good @Ant7, anything planned for the family for the weekend xx

@Shaz51 I am working all weekend 😥

How about you

no work @Ant7, unless Mr shaz changes his mind xx

Hey guys,

Thanks for the checkin Shaz.

We are going a lot better - we haven't had a proper fight (eg. raised voices or insults) for around 2 weeks now. We are both putting in a lot more effort into communicating respectfully when we are upset. My partner has also ackowledged he can be very defensive and is putting a lot of effort into realising when he does this and stopping as soon as he realises. I am still working on not getting upset so easily, but at the same time this is a part of my personality (very sensitive, anxious soul here) so sometimes it is more about communicating my needs than trying to change my emotions (eg. asking for reassurance more frequently).

Glad to hear you guys have found yourselves in such loving and nice relationships 🙂

Hi @Emz

I wrote an article about this her eon the forum but havent got a lot of time to search for it...so here is my idea. I suggested this to my lovely wife a few years ago and havent had a raised voice arguement since!!

Firstly, when the atmosphere gets heated one of you will want to "run away". Here is the first rule- never leave the property, eg dont drive either.

The second rule is- the other person doesnt follow their partner where ever they go. (for me its my shed! for my wife its our bedroom)

The third rule is not to contact each other for at least 20 minutes.

When one of you wants to talk, you can approach him/her and ask if he wants a cup of coffee. The fourth rule is to accept if the other person is ready or not. If not then walk away. if ready fine have a brew.

The fifth rule is, that the person that has rejected the coffee then, when ready, approaches the other and says something like- "ok I'm ready now, if you'd like a coffee". and so on.

The beauty of this system is- you allow time to settle down. You might have regrets, guilt, etc about your words and temper so then it allows you to say sorry for losing it. It gets you back on track. It has a safety factor eg no driving and no walking from the property which causes sorrow and fear.

Try it next time one of you wants to "escape".

Finally. Get some counselling. My wife has had some recently and discovered some childhood issues really effected her reactions to me that caused aggression. We are so much better now.

WK

Hi Emz,

Its good to read that you and your partner are getting along better. I think that it is very normal to have arguments- but it is the way in which you argue that is important. Yes, you can absolutely have a very robust debate without name-calling, insults or raised voices.... But I think it takes practice.

it also really helps that you find someone who you share basic comparability with... Without that, I think it can be hard work right from the beginning. By compatibility, I mean that you share the same values and morals and have similar expectations about how a relationship should "run", so to speak.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have hardly had an argument! I think we are similar in personality and we find it easy to agree on things... However, if we don't agree then we just "agree to disagree" and let the other person be. We are both independent and don't have to do everything together all the time, and we also have separate friends, as well as joint friends.

We we don't sweat the small stuff. If my husband comes home half an hour late, I don't mind. If he is a full hour late, I might text him to check he is Ok, but that is all. No accusations. If he is 2 hours late, I confess I do worry.... But I don't usually feel upset, because 95% of the time he is extremely reliable.

this is a huge contrast to my last long-term relationship, where my ex-partner was massively unreliable and never did anything he said he would! He also frequently lied to me about stuff, which created huge distrust and made me feel incredibly insecure, even if he were half an hour late! Hence, I would yell at him and be in tears. He thought I was crazy to be crying over nothing, but it was the general unhappy state of the dysfunctional relationship that I was really crying over! It was very different to my situation now.

anyway.. good luck.

@Sahara @Emz @Whiteknight @Shaz51 @Ant7

Hi everyone, sorry for interrupting the conversation. But I found it very interesting and informative to read this thread. Especially because I'm coming from the prospective of a single guy who has been single the majority of his life. (although wanting a relationship)

I've always looked at my thoughts of potential relationships I could be in. From a third prospective. Before acting... And In a way that allowed me to be a spectator. Who so dearly wanted to be in a relationship with a particular lady. That was on my mind at the time. Probably because I found them attractive. Or somehow found myself Interacting with them and wanted to take it further. And it would jump between doubt, Insecurities and worst case scenario. Or confidence, security and best case scenario. Either would overwhelm me and begin controlling my mood. And I never really knew or learned how to engage into a relationship and maintain a relationship. Due to the disarray of the duality and the mood fluctuations I was dealing with.

The third prospective spectator inside of me. Has always degraded me or talked me up. Too the extremes. And always it never unfolds, becomes a reality or comes to fruition. So essentially, I've been basing a lot of my conclusions on a world of fantasies that suffered from duality. And my reality has become the buffer zone, the comfort zone, the protection zone and fuel for this world of fantasies where distinct duality exists.

What I'd really like... Is a partnership with a lady... Where there is physical and mental attraction and chemistry... In which I can place and trust my entirety... For the health and wellbeing of both involved...

Normal or not? Lol...

Thanks Whitenight, that is an excellent idea!

I think atm half our troubles are because we are not living together so often have only the choice between staying in the same small room as each other (when we are visitting each other) or over text/fb which is never good. I have found that feeling 'trapped' in these situations only heightens my anxiety, so when we move out together (which we are planning in the next few months) this will hopefull decrease and we can practice your Tea/Coffee Strategy.