Can I cope being a carer?

Ohhhh @Bella1978, sending you tender hugs my friend

sending you understanding hugs as my mum and my Mil are needing more and more care , they have told us what they want

my MiL is having her second op on her eyes

one day at a time my friend , and with my mr shaz`s bipolar 11 makes it hard to focus on my mum`s care as well as his

we are with you and xx0x0x0

@Bella1978 It is difficult transition period.

At least having your space without your mother gives you an idea of how you can feel when you are settled.

If she is assessed as eligible then she is foolish to reject it.

Perhaps you can mention how unfair it is and that you feel manipulated when she goes into her way or the highway mode.

I could never have good conversations for my mother,it was always her way or the highway and I took to the highway as a cosier place when I was 16. WHen she was palliating for a year I set my visits to fortnightly/ weekily depending. She had plenty of good care and was happy getting lots of other visits every day. She was triumphal/popularity queen and did not need me then anyway.

Everyone's needs are different.

You could visit her every 2 or 3 days ... it is always difficult working out a level of care and what is reasonable.

Having respite is important as you get back to being yourself without overwhelm. You have the right to some life whilst caring. Emotional blackmail is not healthy and she should be able to see your needs too. My mother never could though. People are people. Sorry I cant be more helpful.

@Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Owlunar @utopia

thanks everyone for responding to my post. i have had a read through and appreciate you all taking the time to respond. im sleepy tonight but will respond to your messages over the next couple of days xxx

@Shaz51

Hey sweets, thank you for your message. Does your mum and mother in law live in their own home?

I can imagine being a carer for your husband would be time consuming and draining. are you the sole carer for your mum as well? hope you don’t mind me asking 😊

How has your health been? You doing okay??

x

@Appleblossom

Hey luv, thank you for your message.

It is very hard to reason with mum atm. there hasn’t been a confirmed diagnosis of dementia but I am starting to think thats what it is. They have been monitoring her behaviour – she has been in the mental health facility for 3 weeks now. There is a family meeting on Wednesday so I will find out some more information then. when i say family - its just me! my sister is useless. that may sound harsh but she really is. she is self absorbed and can't see past her own problems.

And yes, it has been nice having my space. Ive never had it before. It does get lonely at times but I can just breathe, not having to worry about anyone.

The behaviours I see in my mum are not her at all. this is why I am struggling so much – she is not normally demanding – we worked so well as a team and she always trusted me. I don’t think she understands how unreasonable she is being atm. I feel as though I am losing my mum, and it is really scaring me. I visited her yesterday, and thought I would have a break for a couple of days – will see her on Wednesday when I go to the family meeting.

You don’t need to apologise at all - i value our input. Its nice having other people’s perspective, I appreciate it.

How are you?

x

@Owlunar

Thanks for your message. Im sorry you had such a rough time with your mother. I agree that you did not have to put up with the crap you did from your mother.

Its hard with my mum atm. she isn’t herself and im struggling seeing her this way as I feel that I am losing her. im starting to think it is onset of dementia. I am having a meeting with her treating doctors on Wednesday so will see what they have to say. Its just so exhausting atm. and i feel as though it doesnt matter what i do, i cant win 😞

x

Hi @Bella1978

Thanks for your comments to my previous post - I went back and read your original post and see I did not anwer your questions - I remember feeling very tired at the time but I am on the ball today and maybe this is a better response

You ask if you are capable of being a carer for your mother and what about your life and these are very important questions - so let's see what we can do with that

Your own life is very important - and if you give up so much of your own time caring for your mother full time it seems - as if you are taking her on at home with increasing dementia - I think it would be really hard to live your own life if this is the case and it does put you between a rock and a hard place - ouch -- it does sound tough

Okay - I understand this - how much does your mother understand? Caring for someone who is losing their place in the world and may not be aware of this is really hard work - I saw my mother going down the tube caring for her mother who was having TIAs

Whoops sorry @Bella1978 - I am having a bit of a problem with my computer this morning

My Gran refused to even see a doctor - but eventually she had to go into care cause my mother couldn't do it anymore - and with my mother - she was in care so that wasn't part of ths issue. People have the freedom to stay in their own home now - but if it's too much for the carers then there are agencies that can help out

I can't really assess if My Aged Care will be that helpful - but maybe it will be - and I have care through an agency - domestic and assisted shopping - and eventually will have to move to My Aged Care - it is there and maybe you can get your mother onto that which will take time - it does give you help that so you don't have to deal with that all yourself

It is sad to see your mother disappearing into someone you don't know - it has to be different - my mother was always in some kind of bad mood with me - I always had a strong sense of myself and refused to be someone else to please this angry woman - my sister though - she was all my mother wanted

I would never judge what you are doing or going to do because I have seen a lot in my own family but I really think that needing your own life is just as important - it is not selfish to want that

If you can get an assessment from My Aged Care then you may be able to get respite to do whatever you do to be yourself - your own person

You will be a better carer if you have your own lifed - you do need to be fulfilled in yourself and frankly - although my disabilities are physical and I can manage my own life I still would not expect my daughter to put her life aside to care for me in such a personally expensive

I hope this makes sense - and I think talking with people who understand how it is dealing with someone with dementia will help you sort out where you can go with this and what you can do for yourself

All the best

Dec