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Can I cope being a carer?

Can I cope being a carer?

Even for just a day, I want everything to stop. I am so worn out and feel 'stuck' atm, and questioning whether I can mentally cope being my mum's carer. And it scares me to think that maybe I can't, maybe it is all too much for me. But what does that mean for mum?

For about 2 months mum has been in and out of hospital - she is currently in a mental health facility - this is the longest she has been away from home. I feel horrible saying it, but I have enjoyed being on my own and not having to worry about her. I worry about when she comes back home. She has both mental and physical illness.

I try to see her everyday, or at least every second day. Some days are good and other days are so draining - I walk out of there and just sit in my car and cry. I miss my old mum, and am struggling accepting what is happenning to her. When she is having a good day there is light at the end of the tunnel however, when she goes backwards I go downhill - she isn't the mum I remember. I am so trying to keep it together. I battle depression and anxiety myself, and also have rheumatoid arthritis.

We have always worked so well as a team but of late I have been concerned - she has become demanding and doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. It's her way or the highway. She said that when she comes home things will be different and if I don't like it I don't have to stay here and be her carer. Deep down, I don't think she means it though. Things have just turned upside down for me (and my mum of course) in the past 2 months.

I have a sister who plays no part in caring for my mum. She is a big trigger for my mum - mum wants nothing to do with her as she has hurt my mum many times over the years. I have limited my interactions with her to solely texting as I was getting too upset when talking to her on the phone. Cutting back on contact has helped, but I do resent her greatly - when she needed help (be it financial, emotional, physical) we were there for her. She knows I'm struggling but when it comes to my sister, it is all about her.

I am also trying to be there for my best friend - her husband recently threw her out. She is living with her parents fortunately, but he has the 3 kids. She also has disassociative identity disorder and is really struggling. I am blessed to have her in my life - our friendship is recipricol and we have been each other's shoulder to cry on.

I don't know what to do, but I don't know if I can continue being a carer, continue putting my life on hold. What about my life?

I just want things to stop. It's getting too much and I don't want to continue doing this. I am just so drained.

If you took the time to read this, thank you. I just needed to get it out of my head.

56 replies

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In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Thanks for tagging me here @outlander - I hope I can say something helpful -

@Bella1978- hi

My stuff with my mother was different - I never got along with her and there were years on end when I didn't like the way I was being treated and as an adult I did not need her permission to live my life even if she thought it was strange - I would stay away for years on end

My sister was Mum's favourite - I was Dad's favourite and I think my mother might have had a problem with that but - after Dad died and everything was all about my mother and my sister and my mother was in care I had enough

One day as usual she snarled at me and I went up to her when she turned her face to the wall - and seeing as she was deaf she may not have heard me but I said "You've been driving me away my whole life and today is the last day" and I walked away from her and did not see her until just before she died and I saw an old woman with a load of regrets she caused herself and she was unable to hear me or speak to me - and I can only say she brought whatever she suffered upon herself

During the next few years I rang a few times but could not speak to her - I wrote and my notes were never answered - I never heard anything and my sister was reading that I would have visited my mother but never let me know - and I think she failed miserably with her duty of care and not of this is my problem

We do not have to put up with crap like this from our parents - as far as I can see I deserve respect even from my own mother and I never got it and I don't feel guilty - as far as I can tell no one has to be guilty - no one deserved nasty behaviour

I hope to get back here tomorrow - I was watching a long movie but came in to see what's what - I may have something more to add but we do not need what happens at the end-of-life at times

Really - I am sorry this is happening for you

Thinking of you

Dec

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@Bella1978. I can only imagine how hard it's been for you. Reading yiur posts on your other thread, I've been worrying that yiu are wearing yourself out.
The fact is your mum has changed. When she's not well with her MI, she's unable to be that same mother that you miss so much. Add in the UTI and other physical problems. That's a lit going on for her.
So yes, I can empathise a lot with what your mum is going through. I feel for her. But ........
Now I'm going to play devils advocate.
When your mum is having a good day & she says to you - it's my way or you can leave - be strong - be honest. Tell her she can't live alone. She is not well enough. So she can either have you as her carer, or a stranger or go to a home.
So. You will also have a say in things at home. Yes it's her house, but it's yiur home too.
Tell her what will happen (once you sort out what you need) - eg: a nurse / carer will come one day a week sit with her. Yiu will be going out. To socialise or study or shop or drink lots of coffee in cafes. Whatever you want. Maybe you need more home care for chores. Or meals on wheels 3 days a week.
But you need to have breaks. Yiu need to be able to do new things. Join a club. Go for long walks. Etc.
You don't need to be rude to mum - but let her know the situation as honestly as you can. She can't live alone.
Respite once a month if you could get it would be good. And maybe you can get her brother to have her over one day or night (possible sleep over) a fortnight.
Wait and see what the doctor has to say next week about your mum. Til then, take time for you every day. Housework can wait. Or just do the bare minimum.

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@outlander
Message to u at top of this page
Xxxxx

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Ita 12 weeks on sunday @Bella1978 but yp it has been that long already. I have pops birthday dinner tonight but not anything else planned at this point. Oops now pops brothers here after the last tribe just come. Sooo loud!
I hope the wedding goes ok for you and isnt to overwhelming. A day off sounds good esp with all your emotions running high atm
Whats your plans until you go to the wedding?

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@outlander
Wow i didnt realize it had been 12 weeks!
Aaaw birthday dinner sounds nice. How old is pop??
Wedding is at 3pm luv. Its an hour away! Gonna leave in about an hour and go pick up bestie.
I doing ok luv?

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Um pops 72..... i think @Bella1978
Dinner i dont know its with people who like to make life harder than it needs to be so time will tell and with a headache on top hmm.

An hr isnt to far away till leaving. Im sure itll go pretty fast. Get ait of rest in while you can

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@outlander
No can rest luv. Gotta get pretty lol
Im sorry about the dinner tonight.
Still have headache??

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Lol @Bella1978 im sure you look pretty already

Yep still have a headache

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@outlander
Yeah i scrub up all right lol
I wish ur headache would settle down!

In response to: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Lol @Bella1978

Its freezing here and my poor horses arent rugged. Im waiting on an order to come through was hoping for it on friday.
Is it cold where you are?
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