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hey @Former-Member, good to meet you, thanks @Maggie

i’m starting to think maybe the drinking is partly a self-destruct thing. i used to have an ed too when i was much younger, and used other substances. ditched them eventually, self harm took off, ditched that, booze got out of control.

now since i’ve been trying to reduce/ quit drinking it seems like the biggest trigger is things going well in my life. anything potentially good ends in sabotage 😞

@-Rayne- I have an ed and Sh for me has eased, but both never leave. I think you might be on to something with sabotaging anything good. It's hard when you believe you deserve only negative things to happen. I could say you deserve better, but somehow, I don't think you will believe me, I know I don't for myself but I do for others. So I'm sending warm wishes if you can accept.💞💜

@-Rayne-, just jumped on the beoards after a bit of an absence and read your post. I so relate to the vicous cycle - stress/alcholol/success/failure/bankruptcy

I have been sober since May 2010, a lifetime of drinking, I got sober in 1989 via AA (and left that too much conforming pressure for me) and staid sober for 12 years, then started drinking again and battled. At that time I had not been diagnosed, was self medicating and drinking was self-harming hugely. I hated myself and used alcohol to run away from my terrible inner critic (which I know now was part of my mental illnesses).

I did not get help to stop that last time, it was a garganuan effort of self will to begin with. I spnt a few days purposefully recalling everything I could remember about how I got sober the first time and started to apply those things to my life minute by minute, hour by hour. I stood up to the many voices inside telling me it was hopeless and that I was helpless. I do not live with a diagnosis of DID - but dissassocitaive features were strong for many years. If you have a team in there who are on your side, perhaps consulting and getting them on board for a sobriety push may help, finding keys to overcome the objections of others. A kind of internal family conference about what is in your best interests, finding the pathway through.

One refrain I used to use to stop me picking up in the early days was "EVERYTHING is harder with a hangover". To remind me how tough it is to operate successfully in life with alcohol poisoning.

Since my diagnoses in 2014 - Bi Polar, cPTSD, Anxiety, OCD - I have been medicated, sometimes with abit of success, but persevering even though the nmeds wipe me out. THAT medication has helped me not drink - because I am calmer and less stressed with it on board.

I wish for you a way through your difficulties and hope you can find the impetus and resources that are just right for you. All the best. - Moongal-

Thanks everyone. I can relate to parts of what you all said but it's so hard to type responses. I hope you understand I do hear and it matters.

I am so stressed. Everything has just demolished. I'll be homeless soon. I don't even care anymore. I'm on the path... and thinking this is best, so be it.

peace xo

Thanks @utopia. My GP has a really long waiting list for non-urgent stuff - about two months - but I could make a booking. I can't see anything being better in two months anyway.

Yesterday in a brief bout of energy I called - I forget what it's called exactly but it's a government debt advice line - and the guy I spoke to was really excellent. As soon as I told him what my debt repayments are and what my income was, he said there was no way I could meet them. He was surprised I've done it as long as I have. So that was a relief because I always imagine people saying that I should budget better, or spend more wisely or something like that.

He didn't have any new options though. Either I do bankrupcy and that means I lose my work licence or I may be able to get debt agreement if I get a job but he thought it was unlikely but possible that the creditors would agree to it (even assuming I got work). So right now I feel like giving up the work license would better because all the debt would be gone after 3 years and I don't have the energy to work right now anyway. But I'm not sure how rational that is. I saw a job on seek today that I could apply for but I'm so tired. I'd happily live in a room above a pub or a caravan or something if all of this would go away, but I know it won't. I'd just have less stuff and be equally stressed.

The thing that's keeping me here is the promise of a surgery in November. I need to keep private health insurance for that though so that's #1 priority. I'll become homeless before I drop that.

Glad for this space to type my thoughts.