Borderline Personality Disorder

Hi Lep,

It begs the question of do we really want to be in a relationship where we love the other person unconditionally and get potentially none in return. I think we also fall into the trap of thinking with time and love they may change. My position now is that I would do that IF the other person could convince me they were aware that they have a disorder and were going to work on it, albeit slowly but consistently over the long term.

My ex-partner was BPD amongst other things and he was undoubtedly the love of my life. Unfortunately, due to my responsibilities as a parent of two children with mental illnesses, I was not able to spend the time needed to understand how to relate effectively to him and our relationship dissolved into a painful mess. As my daughter has been recently diagnosed with BPD, I've dedicated the last few weeks to finding out how best to support her and find some kind of workable living situation for her, my son and I. As her mother, I will continue to do whatever it takes to find solutions to the interpersonal and other issues that relationships with BPD people present. I am finding there is alot of info around. BPDs have extreme emotional vulnerability plus are easily invalidated. I need to learn new skills and ways of relating to my daughter and helping her to manage her environment in order to reduce her stress and thus reduce her unhealthy coping behaviours (self harm, rage, substance, eating disorders, impulsive lying etc). I am currently reading "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder - How to keep out of control emotions from destroying your relationship" by Shari Y Manning and finding it has great info about validating the emotions and experience of the Borderline person, not the self-invalidation. My ex used to constantly self-invalidate and it would cause such turbulence in our relationship as he was a tall, handsome, talented, amazing person. Anything I said or did would cause him distress. I have found this book on Kindle For PC and it was about A$11. There are heaps of others of these books for digital download if either of you decide to persevere with your relationships. I wish you all the best.

Are there any groups in Australian cities/towns where people can get together and discuss this?

Hello @lep227 @Reader @MummyMountain

It’s inspiring to read how committed you all are to supporting your loved ones and educating yourselves about what they’re experiencing.

In response to your question @Reader, there are a few organisations around Australia that run support groups for families, friends and carers of people living with MI. Some are specific to a particular illness, such as BPD.

Due to the anonymity of the Forums, we ask that members don’t share details of specific groups they attend or are planning to attend. However, you’re more than welcome to share names of organisations that offer support groups. The Association of Relatives and Friends of the Mentally Ill (ARAFMI) can usually help with finding support groups in your area. You can find the contact details for your state here.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I look forward to hearing how things go with the counsellor, @lep227.

Yeah it's a real hard one, if only we could see into the future but that would spoil things too. But yes, a guaranteed commitment to seek help and work at it would be a 'game changer'. Without this we would even question where is the awareness.

Thankyou so much for sharing your story. BPD can be a scary adversary and it's good to know i'm not alone. I have yet to discover a professional diagnosis for my partner but he displays all the traits.

Good timing, I think 🙂 This email just popped up in my inbox to say someone has posted in this thread. All the while I have been having a very tough last 2 days.

I saw my ex a week or so ago and for the 5th or 6th time she starts a conversation and we get on like a house on fire as always. She tells me she is worse off without me, she is depressed, I am so good for her daughter etc, so when I tell her I love them both and ask well, lets try again, she flips out. She has been the one initiating conversations not me. So I finally said I can't do this any more because it hurts too much. I said this has to be goodbye and no more stopping in and saying hi. She looked really sad and said she just can't manage the anxiety of the relationship and it's all she can do to take care of work and her daughter. So I hate seeing someone I love and care about like that but what can I do??? So I stuck to it and had no contact at all. I started to feel OK but yesterday and today feel deeply sad and I don't know why. I am struggling to not go and see her - why now?? I thought it was starting to fade.

I think when someone gets into your soul they never really leave. It's always hard when you aren't in someone else's head and i understand your need to protect yourself but it sounds like a habit i get into also of 'all or nothing' thinking, like 'black and white'. Being steadfast and maybe keeping a safe distance may have been the way to go but that isn't easy either. The 'to and fro' behaviour sounds classic BPD and i get that you need to try and break that cycle in order to keep your own sanity, that's where distance can help and keeping yourself healthy. It's a rough road ahead and you may need to re-evaluate in what capacity you are prepared to have he rin your life, i.e. can you just be friends? I know it's sometimes a frighteningly grief stricken thought.

Best wishes

The last few interactions where she wanted to be "friends" left me feeling horrible. When I reflected on why, she began with telling me there's basically nothing wrong with her and then proceeded to list my failings - controlling, childish, overcompensating for past losses etc. I asked for one example of how I am controlling to which, after waiting a bit, she still couldn't answer. Anyway, it collapses from there. I later realised that I am never allowed to express what I think or feel but she has free reign to say what she wants. Then I realised this is not friendship.

Yes, the whole 'friends' discussion is one i have always dreaded, it's like 99th prize compared to a physically and emotionally loving relationship and is fraught with difficulties. It's going to take a lot of time for the relationship to find its footing, one that you can both sustain as happy contributors. I wish there was a pain scale that indicated what we are supposed to do when there is pain in a relationship but unfortunately there is not but at least there is the positive side which is that we learn and develop through this process which ultimately stands us in good stead for life's future events. Keep hanging in there if you think in your heart and soul that it's special.