Borderline Personality Disorder

I also started to worry that I was approaching codependent, after all why do I care so much for someone who emotionally abuses me? I have arrived at the point that I am a decent caring person who got tangled up in this and didn't understand what was happening until it was too late. I have a strong sense of loyalty and an even stronger sense of justice, so I want the best for her. However, it seems there a word for what is preventing it from materialising -

Anosognosia

Yeah i''m still 'on the fence' regarding co-dependence, I need to study it more but like you, I think there is a genuine selfless desire in me to help my partner because basically I love him, I really think it's that simple. But awareness is a great thing and so is self monitoring. Sometimes I think I am approaching co-dependence and have to pull myself back. Thanks for the Wikipedia reference, I will look at it more tonight, amazing stuff.

I think I'm here because after 2 years of what boils down to emtional abuse and now 4 months of separation, if I'm honest with myself, I still want her back. I know I shouldn't but keep thinking she is not totally unaware and somehow could work it out. I feel disloyal if I think about meeting soemone else. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad, the first few years were heaven. Not hollywood fireworks but just nice simple honest loving respectful.

I know she tried her guts out to make it work but think her effort was aimed at suppressing her anxiety rather than trying to find out what caused it. In the end suppressing rather than addressing always explodes, at some point. My upbringing was that if you try your hardest that's all anyone can ask and I feel like she has done that. It feels like she needs to try smarter not harder although I know how futile that statement can be for someone with BPD traits.

I keep looking for what could be wrong with me but can't seem to find anything much. My therapist confirms it too.

Why can't I just let go? I feel ike I am abandoning her even though she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me (although she keeps finding reasons to bump into me and talk). I know I have no control and should just move on but something is stopping me.

I think a relationship with her is possible but just a different one maybe to before because we all develop and relationships yield and bend with those that are in it. When does a relationship end and another start? It's not always clear. It sounds like there's still a lot of love there, and that is to be cherished and nutured to grow into whatever it will. If you're both happy to have each other in your lives in whatever capacity it may be, then so be it. Baby/bathwater, cutting off nose to spite face etc comes to mind. You can both learn and grow from each other and there's no-one else who will take you on the path that she has and maybe will, no-one else can give you that journey but her, it's unique and the groundwork is there.

Re the suppressing, it's like holding a beachball under the water, the more you push it down the more explosive it is when it shoots back up. I know this sounds kinda corny but just be her friend for now, which is what you're doing anyway i think. The transition to friend is hard but who says it has to be permanent. She would do well to hang on to you, just sayin, you sound really dedicated and totally aware of your partners needs, emotions etc. Stay close by, because she may wanna come back some day when she realises there's a lot of less caring people out there. Anyway, have a think, it's great sharing this stuff, so thanks, it really helps.

Hi @lep227,

I just wanted to drop by and see how you are going?Hope your doing well.

Have you managed to speak with the counsellor? Hopefully they are able to give you some more clarity about everything. You will be able to deal with whatever comes your way as you have managed the abuse before and you know that its not really about you but a reflection of what is happening for your partner. It sounds as though you have good reasons for getting in touch with the counsellors and have some important points to raise. I wish you all best with it!

Reconnecting with friends is a great idea for 'me' time! You do get to that stage in your life when your family starts to diminish and having your own "new' family definitely helps to reduce the loneliness.

Talk to you soon

Thanks Lep,

I think you have worked out where I am. I want to be a safe distance away but make sure somehow that she knows she can come back if she is interested in addressing the issue together.

Interestingly i have always possesed the 'black and white thinking' that many borderlines display. When it came to relationships i was either all in or all out, quite the dramatic scenario too it was. What's happening now in my relationship is completely new to me, in the sense there's no guarantee of future return on your investments, the 'shades of grey' are infinite, and i guess i've let go of the steering wheel and it's unchartered waters from here on in i'm afraid (i fear a lack of control i suppose one could garner from this so it's positive progress on my behalf too). Maybe your situation is similar, going down an unknown path with no back-up plan or practice (although you have solid foundations on board). Let's embrace this journey with its battering high seas, the damp and cold and discover something new, i think it's called living and i've decided it's better than isolating and protecting myself, that's just starving oneself.

I emailed his case-worker on Monday just saying (asking) how can i best support my partner while he is in the facility and letting her know that i want to be part of his recovery as much as he chooses. I haven't got a reply yet, i did make reference to my respect towards confidentiality and privacy issues and made it clear that i didn't want his stay in re-hab to be about me/us entirely.

But i found the courage to call him last night which was great. We had a friendly and civil conversation, nothing deep. He said he's sent me a letter which should arrive today and i got the feeling that he may have explained a few things in writing that he didn't want to talk about on the phone which i completely understand. So i'm eagerly awaiting my fate....no, only joking. It's all progress no matter in which direction.

Take care

Hi Lep,

Grey is OK but you really have to live looking after yourself and be comfortable with the risk that it could end at any time. I'm not sure I'm quite there yet 🙂

Yes, it would be a very tenuous situation, falling in line with the stop/start, push/pull nature of the borderline person. How many times do we want our hearts broken? That's the reality. Do we walk around with a suit of armour the whole time, that's not a great solution either. It will be a balancing act that i have yet to master but willing to practise, i just wish i knew the rules of the game. It's hard playing that game blind though, esp when you never know the other person's next move.

In agreeance to your comments about looking after yourself, yes we need to live a life as if the significant other is not around, i.e. be independent of them but i'm having trouble with the notion of what then do they bring to my life if i'm living it 'without them'. I haven't explained that ideally, i hope you get my gist.

I believe however there is a path for us all to walk on, it's just a bit rough at the moment.