Battling MI whilst caring for someone with MI

im ok @Bella1978 and its not your fault, you didnt know at all. its fine

@utopia

Hey sweetheart

Yep, mum will love seeing the rings on me. I really do like wearing them. and this will make you laugh … ive only ever had 9ct gold …these are 18ct gold …oh man, they are nice lol! Feeling pretty special haha

It is hard seeing mum the way she is luv. last night I was feeling a bit lonely, hadn’t seen mum during the day and I think my mind just started wandering. I will see her this afternoon and pray she is having a good day, although I know her days do fluctuate.

And yep, very hard when a sibling doesn’t pull their weight, and yeah she can be a trigger for me, and I know she is a trigger for mum. was very let down yesterday.

So my hair is clean – finally haha!

And I totally understand re: the feelings you have when depression hits. All motivation and energy is non existent. And yep, you want to do things but just can’t. bed becomes a safe place, I know it does for me. I just want to stay in bed. Not deal with anything that is going on. It can be extremely hard so I feel for you that you have had a rough time of it lately luv *big hugs*. please dont be hard on yourselfthough.

And definitely, having so many people at your house would be exhausting. I am the same. Its lovely having visitors but if people are coming and going days on end it becomes too much. I need some time out so I can appreciate that it would have been overwhelming. also, when we have visitors we try to put on a brave face so as to not show we aren’t doing so well – that in itself is exhausting. i remember always doing that when i was working and it exhausted me no end!

I hope you were able to have a good nights sleep last night. You have ur psychologist appt today yes? Please let me know how you go. Hopefully just having someone to talk to about what has been going on for you lately may help. I have my appt with my (cute) counsellor tomorrow at carers wa.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself at the moment luv. be gentle with yourself. you know what I like to do – buy myself flowers 😊 why don’t you buy yourself some flowers – treat yourself. its nice to do those little things for ourselves.

xxx

hugs @Bella1978

@utopia

Well yes, I got a bit of eye candy today hehe 😊 was a good session actually. We talked about my expectations of my sister and what she is capable of doing, etc

Glad that your psychologist appointment went well. what kind of socialising do you think you would be comfortable with? So it isn’t overwhelming. im assuming the less people the better yes? I think it would be daunting if it was a big group of people. is there anything in particular you would like to try? I think I mentioned meetup. I remember when I needed to start getting out a bit more I went to a coffee meetup. I do find the meetups are a bit hit and miss, some are good and some aren’t so good. It depends on the type of people that go. But at least its good practice to start mingling with other people, and they are generally small groups. worth a try luv.

oh my god, I haven’t exercised in forever lol … that’s how it feels anyway! And I stuffed my face with chocolate tonight .. yay me! that's the way to do it ... not!

Ooh how did you go with the psychiatrist today?? I hope it was a good session. It has been a while since you have seen him. Fingers crossed all went well.

Mum wasn’t too good yesterday, she was getting very agitated. i ended up leaving as she was very distressed and i think me being there was aggravating her more. She had the ultrasound of her kidneys which was good. They wanted to do an echocardiogram too – she agreed to do it. I went with her but about half way though she told them to stop, and was getting quite agitated and angry. I was trying to calm her down but the radiologist and sonographer were pushing her to continue. I understand they are trying to do their job but they were making the situation worse. I managed to calm her down. Her mood changes very quickly, literally like the flick of a switch. She has been having hallucinations and is paranoid – which I think is due greatly to the UTI. There are no doubt other things going on but the UTI is causing a lot of problems I think. They are also trying to sort out her anti depressants and anti psychotics, poor luv. but today was probably the best day I have seen her in a long time. And she even showered herself. Which is awesome! We’ll see what tomorrow has in store for us though! must be tough for her at the moment, and she is so sick of all the tests they keep doing - i think they're doing blood tests daily, and they are monitoring her blood pressure very closely cause it was so high yesterday. she doesnt get much of a break from the tests. it is great they do them but i do feel for her.

Oh luv, I am so sorry to hear about your great great aunt’s engagement ring. That makes me so mad – its not fair when stuff is taken away from us like that. Its just not fair, so am really sorry. Im not surprised you are still sad about it. things like that are irreplaceable but unfortunately, thieves don’t think about that. I can imagine it would have been a very elegant ring. My mum’s engagement ring is elegant, and not over the top at all, its very sweet.

Um, unfortunately I cant say my parents have a great marriage. Ive never had an heirloom so its nice having something from my mum that I can keep close to me. most of my jewellery has sentimental value. My necklace was my brother’s (not sure if I told you he passed away in a car accident back in 1992), and mum bought me a bracelet for my 35th birthday, and other jewellery I have been gifted from my 2 closest friends. Oh and I bought myself a really pretty ring for my 40th bday … had to buy myself a present 😊 does your mum have any heirlooms she may pass onto you?

Have you been up to much else today? I just had my cute counsellor’s appt (hehe), went and spent time with mum this arvo and came home. I went to my best friend’s house for dinner last night. She cleaned out her wardrobe, and omg, she has given me bags of clothes for me to go through and keep if they fit me. I was like a kid in a candy store looking through the bags haha ... seriously i dont know how she had soooooooooo many clothes!

How are you feeling tonight? Im having a very chilled night tonight, just relaxing. Has been a long week so am very happy to do nothing 😊

@utopia

Haha, yeah can never get too much eye candy hey? Even one of mum’s doctors at the hospital is cute, and OMG her renal physician is dreamy, and so nice. Lol

So happy to hear your appt went well too. Far out, I didn’t realise you had to drive so far to see your psychiatrist? can you maybe do a skype with him? I have a couple of friends how live out in Kalgoorlie and they have a specialist here in perth, they skype him which saves them having to drive to see him. Well done on giving up the alcohol luv. and yes, very true, its hard to treat depression when we drink, especially as alcohol is a depressant.

Im also pleased that he has recommended you have some more time off work, knowing that you have some income coming in without the pressure of having to look for work takes away some of the stress for you.

Well done on remembering a pin number from 15 years ago! Hooly dooly, I am impressed! I can imagine it would be hard as your memory isn’t as it used to be, but he has a point. if you are still in the midst of your depression it is natural that your memory wont be as it used to be. Give yourself some time luv. and in the meantime, continue your reading and do things to keep your mind active. I have a feeling that you are someone that needs mental stimulation so continue doing those things. I don’t know if ive mentioned a website called ‘Alison’ … you can do free short courses online. One of the main reasons I study whilst caring for my mum is to keep my mind active, and fortunately I enjoy studying – so it’s a no brainer for me hehe … ooh when are you starting your uni studying?

I don’t mind you asking questions at all 😊 my brother had just turned 21 in November and on 21 december he passed away in a car accident. It was horrible luv, his funeral was on Christmas eve. I was 14 at the time. It was a bad year for me as I was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis about 6 months before he passed away. as for mum’s mental illness, she had suffered for a long time before my brother passed away. my brother passing was the beginning of my issues with my mental health. to be honest, I don’t think I have ever gotten over my brother’s death. about 6 months after he passed away was when I started experiencing depression and anxiety. we have photos of him all over the house so it feels as though he is with us. I do sometimes wonder if he’d be married, had kids, etc if he was still with us.

Oh that would be so nice if you were able to replicate the ring, I know its not the same but it would be a lovely thing to be able to do. Im sorry you didn’t find the ring in pawn shops. But it was definitely worth a try.

Mum consented to having the kidney scan luv and that came back clear. As for the echocardiogram, she only lasted for half of it. I was with her and watching her, she was doing so well, then I saw her hallucinating, as if she was hearing someone, and I had a bad feeling something was going to happen after that, and it did. So whatever she was hearing while hallucinating changed her mind re: having the scan. I eventually calmed her down but she wouldn’t continue the scan. She started yelling but fortunately, she calmed down (not for long) but a bit. I remind her that her blood pressure will increase if she keeps getting upset and it is no good for her. she seems to listen to that.

And I do think the UTI is starting to settle down and maybe the medications are starting to help her. she is still coming out with some weird things but im just going with it. I definitely think she is hearing someone and they are telling her these things which she then relays to me. its strange but I don’t get too concerned with it cause she tends to forget what she has told me when I visit her the next day … ive been fortunate as whenever I go to visit her, her psychiatrist is there and im able to have a chat to him. Actually, yesterday while I was there all of a sudden she said “I need to have a shower” … I was like omg, okay I’ll help you … she hasn’t wanted to do that for a while. So yeah, some of her is coming back. And she did it on her own. I stayed with her but she didn’t want or need me to help her.

My friend has lost weight so she gave me some of her clothes. I started going through them last night and picked some out. We have different body shapes though, she is bigger at the top and smaller at the bottom whereas im smaller at the top and bigger at the bottom so some of the clothes don’t suit me but im still managing to get some so me happy 😊

What are you up to this weekend? How is your son? how are you feeling? if the weather is nice, maybe you could read a good book outside in your garden, or even go to a park closeby if you have one. Ooh, if there is a swing you could go for a swing hehe … I love swinging – feel like a big kid haha! Do you like baking? Or get yourself a dvd to watch? Im old fashioned, I still like my dvd’s hehe! Just something to distract you at the moment, just little things so you don’t feel overwhelmed, but may help the depression lift a bit. And the more you start to do, the more you feel that you can do. But I know it is really hard. Little steps *hugs*

Im going to visit mum soon, stay there for a couple of hours and then head to my friends house. Her son is feeling depressed and he enjoys my company (cause im awesome lol) so I’ll go there and have dinner with them. he enjoys cooking so will give him something to focus on and I get a free dinner – win win! I tell ya, he is also a bit of eye candy -he’s 18, if I was 20 years younger and 20 kgs lighter I’d have a chance haha!

All right my dear, you take care of yourself, I look forward to hearing from you and be gentle with yourself *mwah*

@utopia

omg how random, i typed the proper word for kgs and it wouldnt let me use it ... interesting .........