Fragile

Memory issues are huge. @eth

After my sister's death and the ones that followed in that year. I began a process of digging for positive memories. SO my situation was a little different from the therapy sessions were people were uncovering repressed memories and debates about what was the truth. I was reading Freud and various case studies and trying to understand my whole famly rather than focussing on my own particular memories. I needed to focus on the positive in my family in order to keep parenting at all. At the time I was also working on memorising piano works. SO I have often been proactive with my mind.

I have had another read of this thread and am still bowled over by the support. Much appreciated.

Last year was very difficult. Though I have been calling this my year of fun in contrast, re-reading this thread reminded me of how extremely vulnerable I have been in the early part of this year. I was needing to take prn to keep moving forward with my positive plans. It has been 3 months since I needed a prn rather than since the beginning of the year. I often have a tendency to put a postive wash over things that may deny the severity.

@Appleblossom

Photos and objects can represent tangible memories. @eth

Someone mentioned photos were a good way of dealing with memories and grief, so I spent a few years collecting 2nd hand wooden frames and putting my favourite photos of all the people who had died on the wall. After a few more years I framed photos which celebrated aspects of me rather than other people. Then another re-arranging I put the grief photos in my bedroom rather than through the house ... and celebrated life more in the piano room and house.

Hope today goes well for you.

The NDIS people still have not called re the CoS or the band details ... must be busy.

I'd be ringing them or emailing the LAC if you can, @Appleblossom With NDIS it really does seem as if the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Just passing through tonight, will catch up more on Thursday. Take care.

@Appleblossom

Hi @Appleblossom I've been thinking about you the last couple of days but have had lots happening off-line. Thankyou for your sharing about memory and how it is for you. I wanted to reply in more detail but have lost track of what I was going to say sorry. I'm sure it will come back to me. Something about how in my research about types of memory lately I haven't found anything that talks about how it operates differently during and post psychosis. I rediscovered a quote I found 2 years ago : "Our lives may be determined less by past events than the way we remember them" (Catherine Ann Jones, author). Showed me how much of a theme putting together the pieces of the memory jig saw has been for quite some time. And trying to integrate my perceptions of events with other people's insistence that the facts are different.

On top of everything else I've done over the last couple of days, I had a pretty full-on session with my psychologist wednesday which left me needing some percolation time over the next day and a half. About all the times I've had contact with police and how they have come to be a trauma trigger for me rather than representing help and protection. The more I spoke on the topic, the more details I remembered. Won't detail events here, but it was never because I was a criminal. I had never covered this topic despite many years and many psychologists.

Hope today is a good one for you and that you have heard back from NDIS by now.

Haven't caught up on posts since Tuesday yet so sorry if I've missed anything you've shared. Take care

@eth @Appleblossom I don’t know if this is going to be helpful,or not, if not, best just left in the not relevant basket.

I know DIDs remember in different ways than most, but the memories are quite accurate and detailed. Being DID myself, and struggling to believe the revelations, and how I could possibly have forgotten in the first place, then realising, how could I have remembered under the circumstances.

Recently on Sunday Night a DID lady was taking her father to court because of “ memories”. The accuracy was amazing. Might not be at all relevant, but then, might be worth a think.

Human Memory really is fascinating and a LOT more complicated than computers. Putting it into post psychosis context is not something I ever thought about ... but suspect it has something to do with hippocampus being flooded and over loaded, so no direct connections to frontal cortex, and impaired ability to fully reason things through.

@eth your experiences re police ring true to me. I never had really bad experiences with them til my son's episode. As a mum I tried to raise him with a positive attitude to them, solving crimes eg burglaries etc ... In Melbourne uniforms are everywhere now, with tasers and guns. If they were just uniforms and NO guns and well trained in community policing I would not be so concerned. Escalations these days are so quick and easy.

Love your input @Maggie

I read up re Sybil and DID in my early years with husband as he knew all the American literature around mental illness. I always hoped I find a therapist who "cared", however now I am older and wiser, and see there was exploitation in that matter.

Remember me talking about the disabled lady from ed dept who did not answer emails. Well she joined my other choir last night and said hello. This will be interesting as at some point I will need to have her old work history out with her ... I will be working with psychologist on how to do it gradually and gently. But some these over confident ladies are lucky I have not thumped them ....cough cough ... Ahem.

One reason that it is worth surviving is that it can be very interesting watching many chickens come home to roost. I do feel fortunate in that. Most surprising and revealing ... Does not bring my dad back, or my sibs back, or change the early life of mothering I experienced, or my son's isolation ... but ....gives me strength ...and meaning.