Fragile

(((((💕 @Appleblossom 💕)))))

Thanks @Former-Member

I can be a bit literal ... feeling my eyes are broken and ... the old operation and endless optician visits ... seeing and imagining ... I must see I am happier with seeing and imagining so much more in recent times.

Love that image @Former-Member. Have you heard of Kintsugi? It's a Japanese artform/philosophy where they take broken pottery and repair the cracks with gold, silver or platinum lacquer. To show the beauty in the cracks, how they tell a story. Lovely concept

@Ali11 💕

@Teej, i see you in the background 🕊️💙💙💙

@Former-Member Beautiful images.

@Appleblossom I keep falling off the planet at a regular pace. To date, I'm still getting back on. I'm sorry for your experience, a really hard one. Always in the background, even when you can't see me. 💕💕👣👣👣👣

Hi @Appleblossom I've been exploring the topics of tangible, malleable and declarative memory - particularly in relation to psychosis for me, but I kept thinking you might find it interesting too. There's a fair bit of connection to trauma and how it changes brain patterns. Hard to put it into my own words but fascinating. Effects on the hippocampus for example. Just thought of you while I was reading about it.

It does sound interesting. @eth

Are there any sites or authors you reccomend?

I ended up relying heavily on documented files as evidence as I did not want to only rely on my own memory as so many things had happened, but also as I have met many wounded souls in my life and I am not sure that all of their recall was 100%. Not that it is a per cent thing ... but I wanted to be very careful but imagination and memory.

I did notice that once a memory was wedded with a file... name event ..address etc ... it would become fairly stable and settled. I also did a bit of early journalling which helped ... getting it down on paper ... and then matching things with my files ...

Some things I had to reshuffle ... as I might put 2 and 2 together ... but it was the wrong 2 ... etc ... but mostly ... I was wary of big dramatic stories or labelling ... tried to keep it real ... in my head ...that is why I ended up so hurt by my mother and her family as I really wanted to justify and defend them, but still understand my own story ... even if they felt it showed them in a "less than" light ...

Oh @Appleblossom what a long journey you've had so far. Such huge efforts. You never cease to impress me.

No particular references, just a fairly random google search. I didn't save any of them.

Hope today is one of the better ones for you.

Thanks @eth

The little recognition payment ($1000) I am supposed to recieve was due to "evidence" of an official stamp on my file and changing attitudes of what is legal to do to people "in care". It did not rely on my memory. I was 6. I had completely accepted it and buried it as normal ... but the truth is that it was not normal, and was not necessary, and did play a role in setting a pattern of extreme submission in my development of gender, sexuality and sense of self. In other areas of life I have significant agency ... responsibility ?? weird ...

Cos of all the real and/or imputed labels of madness in my family I was pretty cautious in my statements ... erring on under than over statement ...anyway that was my conscious approach ... however it appears to others ...

The whole concept of REALITY has been huge for me ... as many significant others in my life ... had the serious diagnosis of schizophrenia ...

It is why I may seem a bit academic at times .. or scientific ... as an inner defence ... perhaps ...fact checking ... reality checking ...what is reasonable .. ??

When I was in my teens ... the 2 people I knew who had BiPolar ,,, (known as manic depression back then) were of a better and more secure physical, financial, educational and mental circumstances than my parents experienced ... In research I did at the time ... there were some co-relations between the different diagnoses and social class ... though later it was disputed and exceptions were cited ... I keep an eye on the research ... something we can do with the internet ...however I still see social class as relevant ... to how mental health and psychosocial problems are typically played out ...

It is significant that my spouse was diagnosed as schizophrenic and not BiPolar .. and yet from a def upper middle class experience ... he really did present more as Sz with highly paranoic thinking than with BP. I would not have been able to relate to him as much if he did not have Sz. It was the illness that was part of our inital bonding ... probably more on my part ... as he also did come from a position of privilege ... was often in denial ... denies he had a mental illness or that I was positive in his recovery ... sad for me ...

Being a piano teacher also gives me a particular insight into memory ... mechanisms and tendencies ...

Love sharing with you @eth

I love our connection too @Appleblossom Sorry I'm a bit strapped for words this evening. It's good that you are getting some recognition of what you went through, but $1000 sounds hugely inadequate.

I appreciate your academic/scientific approach to things. I can be a bit that way at times too - I was put into pure science at school and then did some tertiary study in the biol/health science area. Even tho' it was years ago I still find it helps me understand research studies etc.

I agree about different ways MH problems play out in different 'demographics'.

A shame your ex is still in denial, but good to see that you can see the role you played in his recovery.

I spent today going through some of my writing and noticed that memory questions pop up in quite a few pieces. This expression 'tangible and malleable' memory I heard an artist use not so long ago has really got me thinking about it and how it's effected my life.

Also spent some time reading Bruce Pascoe's Dark Emu book - very much about a truer history of Australia pre colonisation. Another area where perception and memory have a huge influence on current beliefs.

Hope tonight is peaceful for you and that your son does well with his music exam.