Fragile

Thanks for the link @Appleblossom . I hadn't heard of a chronic freeze response but very much identify.

I keep chipping away and looking for understanding and things that make sense. @Dimity

I think it has taken a while for the new neuroscience to really be applied to the wholistic experience of human beings. Still a work in progress, but worth investigating.

For me, my slow social processing is probably more trauma and the freeze response, than being aspergerish or autistic. I just use it as a short cut to explain my differing levels of intelligence where my social intelligence seems not to be inline with the average.

@Appleblossom in my social anxiety I find myself tongue-tied and bewildered. I'm out of practice in sustaining a conversation - or maybe it's a skill I never learned.

Thats hard @Dimity

I used to be like that throughout childhood, teens and early adulthood. In one tute in my mid20s the teacher told me to stop talking behind my hair. I had a big mop to cover my face. I had already been in good jobs before that in the govt sector, but not tertiary qualified.

I guess part of it might be working with one's strengths, whatever that may be. I kept doing all sorts of school, tho, started teaching privately part time, cos pressured to earn an income, which I guess became a comfort zone. I got used to dealing with students and parents on a one on one basis. I only ever did part time, mostly at half hour each. I guess I loved music and cared about teaching so felt I could speak freely. Access to the net combined with all my previous studies has made me 'vocal' on here. I am more comfortable the written word than spoken, but working on that atm. So came to be confident when I had a clear role usually attached to a purpose not related to my own inner self. I was very tough on myself in order to do whatever had to be done ... for kids etc ...

In a sense my inner self became buried, as I had too many things in my life others deemed inappropriate. With my son's ongoing difficulties, my own suicidality started to get out of hand and I needed a break from teaching and gradually let it go as students finished high school etc. I could be triggered by intrusive thoughts and the "privileged" side of private music teaching started to get to me. I never believed in music being about how much one's parents earned and lucky ones getting extra special tuition, but found myself facing all those issues, including elite training etc and feeling a lot of inner tension. A good side of no longer teaching is that I am learning about personal privacy. Since mid 1980s I have run small business from my home and it has been really good to learn what most people take for granted, as in having private space. We will see what happens.

Regarding socialising I am all over the place, which is why I am sharing and discussing on the socialising thread. I needed this FRAGILE thread for my very vulnerable side. My personal space has been violated a great deal in first part of life, so maybe this is a way I am finding a balance.

I find asking just a couple of gentle questions about the other person, and a genuine kind word, goes a long way to lowering my own self consciousness when talking to strangers.

I've also learned a large number of other people are as self conscious or more so than me... I'd like to help them feel at ease and if a smiling hello is all it takes I can do that! 🙂 @Dimity @Appleblossom

Yes a friendly smile can go a long way for both giver and receiver.

It is in dealing with other's expectations about my family that has caused me the most stress. @Kyle1

oh... I'm not familiar with that. Have you mentioned it previously on the thread @Appleblossom ?

Maybe not specifically. @Kyle1

Eg., I opened this thread with a picture of a boy sleeping as a symbol of my son who is now an adult on DSP. I was at lunch with old 'friend' today and had to be quite assertive, about questions and comparisons to someone she is cranky with who she reckons is rorting the system. At least today I got her to separate out my situation and my son, with her ex. She is judgmental, uneducated and bossy, but one of the few people who actually knew my brothers and sister who have all passed, very young. I give her points for trying to understand and keeping in touch.

@Appleblossom I admire your careful unpacking of your so-deeply-wounded but intact authentic self, a true blossoming. I'd started writing a reply hours ago, before my nephew picked me up, but of course it disappeared into the ether when i didn't complete it. I've just returned from an evening with a small group, a rare and sweet occasion.

You seem to have a core of intrinsic self-worth that has survived all your adversity - it may have been tempered and strengthened by hardship. I don't have that, mea culpa. I've known myself unworthy since three years old.

Go well, go easy, enjoy your interactions. Thankyou for sharing your stories.

Thanks @Dimity It can be frustrating losing thoughtful posts.... Hope your time with your nephew is good.

I do not know why I am what I am.

I certainly witnessed and had to deal with a lot of fall out from misplaced mea culpas. Within myself, but also with the long period of self harm and eventual suicides of my 2 siblings, whilst parenting and teaching. Maybe I have to remind myself to connect up the positive with the negative within me more quickly. Marry the light and dark ... Our experiences also gives me purpose to find a better way ... through the twilight ... or the dawn ... I have my own lest we forget ...