Fragile

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BQgfSfMG4E

@Historylover Just discovered this Faust & Helene by Lili Boulanger ... thought you might like it ...???

Lovely @Appleblossom. A bit rushed for time at the moment. I'll listen to it all tomorrow. Thank you.

Not a rant @Appleblossom. A very interesting conversation. I'm so pleased you are in the midst of an enjoyable musical Easter. It must be wonderful to be able to sing!! And revel in that live musical feast.

My family situation does get me down sometimes, but when it is suppressed and my mind is busy learning new things, life is really good–like I live in my own delightful bubble with my pursued interests and a few contacts, and I'm content. My newly refurbished unit brings me a great deal of pleasure. Remembering how it was makes me wonder how I put up with it. Amazing what we get used to–but shouldn't. It's just finding the end to this nightmare that distresses me. When will it? I just wish my own and extended family knew quality of life, rather than quantity. Life is a banquet but they are alll satisfying themselves with takeaways, so to speak. I can't drop my aspirations to that level. I only wanted to raise them up. I won't be dragged down. I've worked too hard to get here and intend to keep working at it.

As for my parents...what can I say? They certainly did their best, but when it went wrong, it was catastrophic. I know I have to move on from that, but that won't be possible until my daughters understand that an unforgiveable action of my parents for which I have been attributed blame, was them, NOT ME. And my parents, on whom I should have been able to rely, let me take the blame. They went on to have a relationship with my daughters while I was shunned. More than galling. Until the truth comes out, they believe what allows them to continue on the path inflicted on them by totally irresponsible adults. And I'm maligned.

I always believed that this was all taking a corrective path for my immediate and extended family, and that it would not be finished until its purpose has been served and the correction complete. I just never expected such a traumatising, almost lifelong saga, for want of a better word. We all have our rows to hoe, I guess.

As for my ex-psychiatrist–understanding the truth of that situation is still a work in progress. Coming to terms with the fact that I was played by a revenge-seeking, woman-hating narcissist is more than difficult. It defies understanding.

As for your estranged daughter, I wouldn't be surprised if it all works out for you in the end. We just have to wait for the end. Nature doesn't let these things be rushed.

Cheers @Appleblossom. Take care.

@Historylover

Glad you are enjoying your space and have interests and connections.

My father died when I was a child, but my mother let me carry a lot of the burdens she would have shared with him, if she had been capable of real love. She then went on to do the similar social leverage game with my daughter. So a triple whammy, as she did physically abandon me, but my role as carrying load very well trained into me. I now see her as a bit of a Judas, tho she felt herself in high esteem. An old neighbour of my grandparents mentioned she was "swinging it" and a few people "warned" me about her, but I foolishly kept trusting and hoping. I am also a little dissappointed in both my daughters treatment of my son. I would never have done what they did.

Things are better than they were two years ago @Appleblossom but my future is still unknown. I, again, can't see anything good coming of it. Another swing of the pendulum.

I have just woken up up at 12.45am to post this, that's how my understanding of him can change suddenly. Just because something nice happens, I get my positive thoughts back re my ex-psy and it clouds out everything else. He has really done me such trauma and he couldn't have handled the breakup of his promised friendship any worse. It was cruelly, sadistically brutal. I have to just keep that he hates women and is a narcissist who always had this outcome intended always at front of mind, regardless of any always-temporary good feelings.

As you can see, things have improved but hell is always closeby. So sorry to have offloaded this on you @Appleblossom. I thought I was feeling good today. So sorry.

Families are so very complex! I hate to think what his was like to make him like he is. My ex-husband was emotionally and psychologically abusive, and my ex-psychiatrist was playing on his team all along. Captaining, in fact. The betrayal of trust is, itself, so psychologically damaging.

As I read of your family situation, it just makes me wonder of other people's histories. How many stories do so many of us carry around? How twisted are families? How many wounds do we bear? Will we ever really recover, or do we always just work around them? How I wish there were words to express that would heal these wounds once and for all, for us all.

And how I wish good feelings could last. I hope yours are less fluid. I considered not posting this, but I had to reply and this is how things have changed since my last post. I'll see if I can suppress them again.

I hope your studies are going well. Take care @Appleblossom.

Thank you for your reply. @Historylover

My feelings can be fluid too. A long time ago someone told me my feelings would be labile, so of course I looked it up and regularly return to reflect on it. They were not really labile at the time and were dominated by in real time events and physical pain. I have had other therapists tell I am something quite different to how and who I am, so I guess they were coming from their books, where I was coming from the real lived world of people struggling with serious mental illness ... in and out of a range of institutions. I had to discern the difference between feelings and attachment issues and physical pain all on my own. I had one good psychologist I saw for about 8 years and later we bumped into each other socially at a music camp. I only stopped seeing him as he was getting into his music and only supervising his practise. It has happened with a few pdocs I have seen, but I do not push the "friendship" aspect though when I was young (in 20s-30s) I really wanted it. I am just friendly and polite and move on. The intimacy of the clinical session can be very tempting, but ...

After separation.... first job was to stabilise my back and neck condition which took about 10 years to reduce major crippling pain events to periodic. Nowadays I have gone about 6 years without any serious physical flare ups. Throughout it all I was doing little exercises and researching attachment and trauma and learning to stabilise my feelings. My feelings can be labile now, but ageing and maturity have a good and mostly stabilisng effect on me, and try and manage my worry about arthritis.. Plunges are usually tied to external events (sometimes my son) that then bring up old trauma .... I used to take a week or 2 to manage them ... often stay away from rehearsal and driving on freeway which was a danger, but if my inner distress comes from callous other people I am getting better at working through it and deflecting it. Part of that came through my determination to keep things and stimuli simple so I can detect where problems come from ... for my son's benefit and for mine. I am still slow at speaking or responding to them in real time ...

I guess processing betrayal, comes with shifting feelings as we recognise the damage, lick our wounds and let it go. The feeling bad can be RECOGNITION, but need not be IDENTITY. For a while I was wary of feeling good cos I was worried about being on a yoyo and that the pain would be soon to follow, but even that dynamic has changed as I challenge dualistic thinking more ... I do self sabotage in various ways ... but pushing my learning forward into finding joy and humour, learning to laugh at myself, in a wholistic manner ... not in a mixed up masochistic manner ... which happened when I first began trying to work with humour. Thinking more that I deserve good things to happen, rather than I deserve pain ... my life seems tied up in religious complications more than yours ... but it has made me analytical about that too. Somehow finding middle ground between feeling extremes has helped stabilise me. I really needed to be solid like a rock for son.

I do not worry about 'unloading'. You post what you feel you need and what you feel is the right thing. Pressure to be always positive I see as a bit fake anyway. Never made me happy, just left out.

Glad you have good things in your life.

@Appleblossom. To think I spent the last two years swinging wildly from thinking you-know-who a saint then sadistic monster because I just couldn't make sense of his actions from the person he presented as. At the moment, the swings are less, but they are still frightening because it seems he quickly, predictably, brings me back to the current understanding of his being an unconscionable monster and I just have to try to make the best of things. Even wakes me from sleep. Like that now brings him greater pleasure. So any time I speak well of him, that he didn't do this on purpose, it's only temporary before reality again strikes.

To think that not very long ago life was good and normal. I'm told I look sad. I didn't think I did. Funny what people pick up on. I guess we all wear our hearts on our sleeves. Or perhaps we are all open books. Sorry to be repeating all this. It's just so hard to digest and come to terms with. I had never thought of any medical 'friendship' until he offered, although I have certainly felt at ease in that environment. Perhaps that's what he tapped into. I don't allow myself to trust them now or to feel at ease. I just keep pulling myself back–and looking after my health like I'm the only one who has my best interest at heart. It's safer that way. Always sceptical.

I'd love to run through this with a therapist I felt comfortable with, but there is simply not an element of trust remaining. I have only had those 2 sessions with 2 psychiatrists to reduce my stress level, until I realized I was still on my own in this fight. The last GP was the same. I've tried all sorts of GPs, and made many observations in therapist areas, so I don't know what to look for now. I've just tied them all up together. It's safer that way.

He has left me so wary of people and there seem to be some awful ones in every ordinary situation. People who need to be top dog and expect others to roll over.

I've been thinking of getting a car. It's all getting so tiring and time-consuming doing everything by foot or public transport. I haven't driven for 8 years so would need refresher lessons. I have made a number of enquiries but so many complications: new or second-hand? With electric coming on board, would that make petrol a costly investment, and second-hand better? I can't afford electric anyway. When I almost decided on new petrol car anyway, I learned waiting times are now 6+ months. Second-hand is available but now over-priced because of car scarcity. How can something so simple have so many complications? Then there is the model and colour choice and difficulty getting about to compare! So I'm still rather undecided. I'd love to be able to get about. And I deserve a treat. To feel part of the human race again. Of course, I'll certainly have to tighten my belt, and my rent has just jumped. Life gets harder and harder.

No, no religious complications here. He took any religious notions I had away, so perhaps I should be grateful. Seems to make a mess of a lot of people.

I don't think it's good to be always positive either. We have to be true to ourselves, so that we can work our way through these traumas that life likes to throw our way.

I'm pleased you are able to get a little control over your health. I guess it all takes constant supervision and adjustment, and a little bit of help from our friends.

@Historylover

Hearing you and affirming your choice ....

"looking after my health like I'm the only one who has my best interest at heart. It's safer that way."

Definitely.

Is there a way you can mentally detach more from your ex psych? Eg .. Time limit him .... the dude from the 90s or naughties or when you actually saw him. Or give him some names that will trigger you less but still sum him up, both extremes. If your inner label for him can capture that he may have less power to totally destabilise your wellbeing in current time.

I have struggled with all levels of health profession but am still a little engaged. My GP caused great upset to me, but last time I saw her was not too bad. Changing clinic too hard, so continuing but REDUCING EXPECTATIONS greatly. My pdoc sessions are simply to facilitate meds at a low level. Necessary at this stage to maintain me as launching pad for my boy. Ie him launching into life. Ha ha Dehumanise me ... lol ... Been very switched on to being useful.... sigh ... Pdoc is decent, probably average ... Seen enuff now. Rarely at frequent intervals too broke, but I did science too and can draw a graph. A lot of anecdotes make data. lol

No putting any of them on pedestals as they have proved themselves human ... and the pedestal thing ... not good. Not 'people pleasing' my workers any more. It is so hard to change that style of interacting, but I am working on it. It gets better results. They also dont deserve it they are getting paid. Being decent and polite and friendly still ... but BS filter on higher alert. I have also done the work ... so should honour that in myself.

Re car ..... not sure ...do you get fitness and health benefits from your current arrangement? ... I cant afford an electric either ... so I am nursing my beat up old one ... hoping it lasts til I can afford one ... ha ha ... who knows if thats delusional ... or realistic? They are expensive ... one way or other ... to maintain etc ... petrol going up etc ...

@Appleblossom Re car: just checked insurance costs – over $2000 per year. Things sure have gone up since my last one in 2012. Can't believe I've been on foot that long. It certainly does keep me fit. Many have commented, but it's all so inconvenient. I think it might have to be a second-hand one. It would be an absolute treat after such a long break. I've certainly saved a lot of money during the years without one but my feet have suffered. Running costs will take all of my monthly pension savings, and more if my rent keeps going up, but I'll only be leaving it to my daughters. I'm actually feeling the pinch for the first time. Previously I could penny pinch with great effect. Not any more. Things are getting beyond me financially, and if I can't manage when I have done so for so many years, it must be getting extremely difficult for everyone living on benefits. Politicians have to get on to this NOW.

As for drs.–mine have all been men, and boys will be boys where women are concerned in my experience. Many of them anyway. It seems those who are different usually buckle to peer pressure in clinic settings. And I find there to be a natural competitive nature with female doctors. Perhaps that is just my experience.

As for him–he is so far in my psyche @Appleblossom, it's like he pulls my puppet strings and sees through my eyes. I don't know how to detach from him. Perhaps at some stage, he'll detach from me. He built my identity and seems to own it. It is said that imprinting only happens with animals, but I seriously question that. Take a patient having an identity crisis and there is complete vulnerability. We are, after all, animals too. Only an empathetic psychiatrist could disengage this connection and set me aright, but to be honest, there is some security in it. Familiarity, connection to my better life when he seemed to be protecting me. I really don't know what to do. How many therapists would I have to try? At what expense? To think he bulk billed me. I guess he wasn't letting me out of his control.

I'm trying to detach by finding alternative settings for my life, among similarly minded people, with enough similar values. I just need a few different settings, with different folks. Finding my fit in each is the difficulty. I have a lot to offer good, decent friends and need similar in return. I've made a start and just keep going, testing the water, seeing what I can pull together. It has to be a slow process of assimilation, or it all gets out of control. I am so sick of hurting. I guess so many of us here are in the same position.

@Historylover It seems you know what you have to do. It is alright to Spend the Kids Inheritance when they are financially fine and you have been so frugal, so do not let that stop you. Its just getting the viability right with all the rising costs. Gradual seems good, as getting to know people properly takes time.

I have been extra grateful for bulk billing, but now I am less impressed. My current pdoc charges a gap and if he feels appropriate does the occasional bulk bill. Someone started a thread about the possibility of requiring more bulk billing ... even a mandatory amount. It should not make people second class citizens, but there are many class issues in our so called lucky country. I do feel fortunate though.... Counting my blessings I guess.