Fragile

I know @Appleblossom, the money I have has to last me for the rest of my life, however long that is.

I have developed the deepest hatred for my daughters who believe such lies about me when they know they aren't true, and maliciously spread others when I am not there to expose the lies or defend myself, because that allows them to do this to me and to continue with this abuse. I'd only thought my ex-h was the abuser, but it seems that I was only ever the 'help' who kept the family running until I was no longer needed. When I required and requested respect, I was expendable. What a fool.

I've been fighting everyone's battles, trying to bring change to my wider family, to right all wrongs, and all it got me was scorn and a life hardly worth living. My face prickles with hatred for all of them. And I have to make another life for myself. Like pulling the wings of a creature and telling it to fly off.

I realized recently that I don't think I have ever heard my brothers speak my name. I was always 'twerp' or 'Missy'. Same from one of my mother's brothers. How odd is that?

Perhaps when my course is finished I'll book myself into a retreat. I haven't had a holiday for 19 years. Or a cuddle from another human being except a hug twice from two ladies in the past two years. I'd really love a break and a change of scenery. And some company.

Keep looking after yourself @Appleblossom. Apologies for offloading on you. I'm just horribly, horribly broken and hurting at the moment.

It's raining. Such a lovely sound. Take care, and thanks for listening.

@Historylover

Love the sound of rain.

Yes I was less than the hired help in my marriage, yet I also was the linchpin that allowed us to run, renovate a house and run a company and a host of other things. I read a story about a nanny slave and felt no better, as I was expected to work when I was in pain... day in day out... with no respect.

I have to admit that I hated my exstepdaughter for a long time, for the way she took from me and manipulated all those around. I never hated my biological daughter cos she was really robbed of her mother, from the get go. Whereas the exstep played the game of having 2 mothers. Both expendable. The mother of my exstep still phones our house. I am not mean to her. She has schizophrenia. No point, but it proves something is off, for my son. He never wanted to know history, but she brings the history into present time. Called a few times a few weeks ago.

The way my ex treated me when heavily pregnant and still doing it all for his first born never hit home until about 18 months ago, as I was reading an old affidavit and recognising what I actually went through for him, at the time. So they are the bug bears I struggle with.

My brothers first Mother in Law ... had a step mother and another local lady ... had one ... and when they were mature before in last 20 years ... they realised how hard the life was of a stepmother ... they are always blamed and disliked. They were inclusive and kind to me, within limits. My brother's MIL was probably feeling guilty about how they treated my brother and she wrote me a letter admitting some culpability about 10 years after his death. In various social situations with my brother's kids, she spoke truth rather than manipulation as much as she could.

In a way I took my oldest on at 6 wks before we were even married .... so I was really more of a foster mum .... and def committed to her ... but without the support of the state ... they played funny buggers apparently looked after their careers more than kids ... I should have known that with my background but was so well trained in being grateful charity child ....so much for my trusting foolishness. I could not keep hating her, as it was too draining on me. I just admit that I do not feel any obligation to love her or consider her interests anymore. She got more from me than my own children, then hogged all the social spaces. I am still busy undoing the damage she caused.

Is there any way you can ... work on anger and rage and loosen the hardened nature of hatred. Honestly I physically had to let go of my anger cos of my neck ... it was hurting me ... so its not cos I am virtue signalling ... there was a practical side to it. ..I would not have physically survived if I had not.

I don't really hate my daughters @Appleblossom. I was going through an experience that left me hating everybody, then one relative I had misunderstood has set me back to where I was. Thankfully. Now I'm just back to being angry about this whole train-wreck. Not only angry about the mess, but the dilemma it has left me in. I can't do so many things–be other than frugal, buy a car, take a holiday, make friends even if I found some I would consider–because I'm working blind regarding my family. I don't start things I can't finish, won't take friends because there could be a family reconciliation (ever-hopeful, on different terms) and family is more important than friends anytime, in my opinion; and who knows the financial mess this has brought about. My ex-husband never had a clue about money management. My ex-psychiatrist set me right, but he seems never to have learned. Inheritance isn't a step to furthering our 'empire' to him, it's an opportunity to be a spendthrift. Maybe he had to learn that lesson by doing everything wrong.

This matter has gone on so long that this IVO business may just be the much needed end to it, one way or the other. My daughters were in an impossible situation too, although it was the best I could make for them. I didn't go off to have a good time. I went off to leave them at one end of the tug-of-war rope and no-one at the other. I wouldn't subject them to being in that situation. I left behind my life and everything I had loved and worked for. I was prepared to wait until we all had grown up and learned the lessons life had to teach us all. The price I paid was my health. To this day I can not take stress or I end up bedridden. It just builds up until it is expressed one way or the other.

My daughters had no choice but to take that woman in–she was in their home, in their life and in my bed. (I hadn't known about her). They had to adjust and she is such an overpowering, controlling person that she would have controlled their every feeling towards me, and both she and my ex-husband would have made sure there was no warmth left for me from my daughters. They were justifying the situation they had made. Divorce is such a dirty business. So very much of it is just about revenge on the first spouse. So very much. "Whatever love is", as Prince Charles so succintly put it.

Your experiences are dreadful @Appleblossom. To my mind these family messes are the culmination of family tangles which are passed from one generation to the next, without correction because each member is just trying to survive; because they haven't got any idea how to fix things, or know what they are doing either, the mess tangles further. Until an absolute tightly wound entanglement cannot be avoided, and everyone is stopped in their tracks.

That's how I see politics too. Politicians don't make difficult decisions, they do things which make people vote for them, and the mess made by the previous government just gets stepped around while they make it all the more messy by their ill-considered actions.

I must quickly close @Appleblossom. My studies are overwhelming me at the moment and I had to take yesterday off as my head couldn't take anymore.

As for my hatred @Appleblossom...that which I feel has been well deserved by my ex-psy–when I have him in clear perspective, certain relatives, but it's not for my daughters, or even for my ex-husband. It doesn't overwhelm me as a rule and for those for whom I feel it, they are the only ones who can correct it. In certain situations, I regard hatred as being as necessary to human well-being as anger. Sometimes nothing else is approriate.

Take care.

Good to talk @Historylover

We use in words in different ways. Words help sometimes but they also can get in the way.

I need to get back to my study, but had a big psych assessment for lawyer this morning, so need time out.

Going bike shopping later with my son. Instead of easter eggs.

I only pay 3rd party insurance on car to cut costs. Mine is a wreck.

Take care

Totally traumatised by medicolegal appointment. Now to finish dinner and prn. Hope it is worth something.

How are you today my @Appleblossom ❤

Oooh @Shaz51 Thanks for seeing me.

Much better than my last post. It was hell. He dragged me through a heap of trauma, so "interviewer" could be "time sensitive". Took couple days to settle a bit. He wants anoth "talk" on Friday. We will see.

I am getting over 2nd bout of Covid and trying to get an assignment done, where the game plan changed 48 hours before it is due ... weary sigh ... so probably up through the night a bit.

How are you?.

Ohh hugs @Appleblossom ❤❤

Me , still recovering from everything that is going on

Mr shaz has been sleeping soo much --- recovering time for him but I am not getting enough sleep xxx

@Shaz51 Sleep deprivation is hard'

I have a man sleeping a lot in the house too. Best to let him be, we have already been through all the sleep hygeine stuff ... for over a decade.

DId you have online funerals for your uncle and your aunt?

Thanks for your offer of support @Jacques I post over here when feeling fragile.