Fragile

Thank you for your care and responses @Anastasia @tyme @Shaz51

Somehow it worked with a minute to spare to attend my seminar. It was an experience for me, and showed how deeply I can be plunged into fear and doubt and panic feelings at the drop of a hat.

I ended up having a good time then went to choir.

Another weird coincidence happened. In each event the seminar and choir, another person was also celebrating their birthday today. There was only 11 in the zoom and about 40 in choir so the odds were against it. Became aware that I force myself to fit in so much, it is only after someone else speaks up about 'anything personal' that I feel it is alright to add my voice. Sense of being invisible or 'should be quiet' versus being fully present and seen and heard. Anyway somehow with all the tragedy and rejection in my family I have survived.

In a way my presence on this forum has been about balancing out that dynamic and I do feel I "belong' and am 'heard' here.

Looking forward to fish and chips, ice cream and movie with my son tonight.

I really appreciate your support in my big panic moment. Thank you.

That is good news @Appleblossom

Enjoy tonight, is it Batman?

I saw that with mine last weekend, it was nice to be just us three 🤗

No old classic. His choice. LA Confidential but I had not seen it. For a long time I would not have been well enought to see something like that, with violence etc, but it shows how far I have come on my recovery journey .... we could enjoy it together this evening.

@Anastasia

Always good to return to this schema or something like it ...

HSP Highly Sensitive Person

DOES

Depth of processing

Overstimulation

Emotional responsiveness

Subtlety Sensory

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEtygF6LHkk

A belated happy birthday to you @Appleblossom 🌸

I see that you have the distinction of sharing the same birthday as my late dear Mum, whom I miss very much. Sorry I missed your day. Hope it ended well for you. Fish and chips sounds good.

Emelia 💖

Thank you very much @Emelia8 It did end well.

Wow your mum too.

I am collecting same birthdays as me this year. That makes 4! Or maybe I am just out and about meeting lots of people and the numbers ... are within the statistical range ... lol ... idk.

I hope you have some good people at the hospital around you. Even if it is just sensitive smiles ... cos I know you are HSP too.

Reflecting on my HSP learning ... my 2 next sibs and I were Highly Sensitive People and the younger 2 were not. It was something that we shared, made us close and I liked them for it. Maybe eventually I will read the book, but it is worth keeping in mind the interaction of basic traits and environment which for us was highly changing and not the same. So a foil to the ages and stages paradigms ...

@Historylover

We have not chatted in a bit. How are you?

Hope I did not bring down your mood in the post about parenting. It can be tricky as most comments can be interpreted differently depending on whether coming from the parent or child angle. The original poster had a legit issue. I was like you I thought, the authoritative style was the way, but unfortunately there were a lot of holes in what I knew, so some of that was head stuff not backed up by practical experience. I cast about for positive moments and pushed them, maybe too much, cos it was a different generation and different individuals. How to unpack all that goes into getting a child through childhood???? I do believe most people do their best, but unfortunately ... can still be way problematic.

Hey there @Appleblossom. I hope you're doing well. No, you didn't bring me down. I guess I am just hovering above bad days even on my good days, and parent-child situations just make me so sad.

My parents did some unforgiveable things and thought nothing about betraying me to those whose approval they sought, but their intrinsic goodness left nothing to be desired. They did their best the only way they knew. How to reconcile those aspects of my parents is difficult as the wrongs they did me has ruined my life. These days I mostly try to remember the good, and wish daily that they were still here, that we could have another go at our relationship – and try to understand each other, not just respond to our respective roles are parent and child. I wish there had been some depth to our relationship.

So that's where I'm at at the moment...feeling so very sad at all of these messed up parent-child relationships. No parents get everything right but we do our best. And complaining children don't do any better as parents. It all just breaks my heart.

@Historylover Yep. I agree. A lot.

You have generally been understanding about your parents and your situation is heart breaking, but please dont break. Dont take stuff I say personally, I am still processing but finally can be a bit philosophical about it and not stretched into high angst.

With that post I was trying to be welcome and be culturally inclusive. We have different roles & challenges throughout life. I am wary of pushing binaries generally and pushing the parent child binary can aggravate and create divisions around unrealistic expectations. Tbh I am not a fan of many young people's strident sense of entitlement, but I also do not want to increase generation gaps.

We did the Bach Matthew Passion yesterday. It is my bliss week. Standards have sky rocketed. We had great orchestra filled with individuals who were leaders around the country in their own right, but probably happy just to be part of this glorious work. It went well. My voice is a little under par probably due to Covid in February, but adequate for choir. Hoping it is not permanent. A young baritone who I had sung in an ensemble with ... smiled at me from his soloists chair. I cant help my teacherly side keeps coming out. Its great watching young people rise to the occasion. Even while I am upset at my own biological children's situations, I have been fortunate. A new comer to the choir ... said it was a real boot camp. but i love that hard work aspect. I probably will not sing with that group again this year.

History lover I could only teach part-time. I was physically and emotionally damaged, but I am GRATEFUL that I can be a part of such creativity. My son made a point of wishing me well and had an invitation to dinner with friends so I was really glad for him too. Nothing from my daughter, but she will be busy, doing her best in the trenches with current political circs. Its best I do not expect anything as that keeps my wound about her open and raw. I am simply proud she does her best.

I wish with all my heart that the world was a better place and you had not endured what you endured in the fledgling psychoanalytical field. One good thing. I sang with a lady who is working in neuroscience research in the field of mental health She introduced the importance of the topic. I merely agreed without any elaboration of my personal stuff. With another, who sang next to me, I hit it off intellectually and she was also good to share personal stuff with. So I do feel connected. Learning to deflect any minor social bumps as other people's stuff and moving forward with good will. Learning to distinguish who to share and who not to share with .... but for a long time ... I had no choice ... stuff was ... too raw.

Find ways to make your personal situation more bearable. I know shame around adult children's rejection is really really hard, especially when we often make decisions that benefit them rather than ourselves. Carry that with dignity.

I was hurt too, by the lack in my MH professionals. My neck injury need not have happened as badly as it did, if he had spoken out for me, but he just watched it get worse and deteriorate on his watch without. Think he was using me for his own professional interests (lecturer in his field) rather than actually delivering a service to me. I saw him over 8 years ... for the children's sake, as much as mine. Psychotherapy is not an opportunity to coolly observe and analyse another person's suffering, when they are paddling like mad. I moved onto a family therapist and he took it personally, but he was not giving in the sessions. I was not doctor shopping, I was too desperate, but I was educated. I am sick and tired of people going on about client's not doing the work in therapy, when sometimes its difference in socioeconomic status that is really the issue not lack of work.

Ooops that turned into a rant.

Take Care Bella